Art Basel: 25 Reasons We're Glad It's Over

Categories: Flotsam
Associated Press
26. George Hamilton, who are you trying to fool?
Look, there's no denying that Art Basel is the best thing to happen to Miami since cocaine. The money, the buzz, the makeover to the city's image, blah blah blah. We know. We love it, and we'll be excited for it all over again next year. But in the meantime, we're sending a bitter au revoir to those crazy artsos that descended on our town, put their feet on our couch, chugged all of our orange juice, dipped our cat in mayonnaise, and then tried to sell her for $58,000. It will sure be nice to have the place to ourselves again.

Here are the 25 things that annoyed us the most about the Art Basel crowd:

25. Red pants. No, they do not trick people into thinking that you're 35 again. Same goes for you, Grandpa Greenpants.

24. Similarly, dressing like you're schizophrenic does not make you appear more interesting. Just insufferable.

23. Fake European accents. Admit it: You're from Michigan.

22. Parking in South Beach was already hell. During Art Basel, it's hell and you're dorming with Hitler.

21. Anorexic women. Didn't that go out of style with a Lifetime special 15 years ago?

20. No, we don't want to pay $18 dollars for a double-shot that is actually a single shot, Art Basel bartender. And why are we buying drinks anyway--isn't this the VIP night? Oh, right...

19. Nobody's a VIP when everybody's a VIP. Which would be fine--utopian even--if 70 percent of the event-goers didn't still believe that they were VIPs, and act with according haughtiness.

18. You see how we're all forming this human snake to the bar? It's not some strange ritual. It's called a line. Social norms require that you stand at the back of it, not just walk up to the front and order a drink.

17. Maybe it boils down to that we just have something against rich people. But we swear we've never heard so much fake laughter in our lives.

16. The ironic use of moustache wax.

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