Ten Other Things We Wish We Could Recall
We posit that it was better than sex. Fornication is wonderful and all, but how often does it end with the weeping of a bitter, witch-like woman you hate? Don't answer that.
Anyway, as we revelled in our own power last night, we started to think about other things that have haunted Miami for far too long and deserve to be hurled into the Atlantic.
10. Chris Bosh
Maybe we're just spoiled and impatient. Maybe it's our fear of ostriches and the men who look like them. After all, the guy is kind of finally getting it together. But if there were a ballot box to recall Bosh and replace him with David Lee, we still bet there'd be a bigger turnout that at last night's election.
9. Scooter gangs
We're talking, of course, about five people in bathing suits weaving around on scooters and blocking two lanes on Collins Avenue. As part of the recall, we would go to Iowa or wherever they're from and drive a tractor really slow in front of them.
8. Miami Police Chief Miguel Exposito
While we're dreaming, let's replace the entire Miami Beach Police Department.
They're never around when you need them -- like when you're with out-of-town friends and have a head of lettuce to feed them -- yet they're the cause of all sorts of crappy laws like not being able to go really fast on your Jet Ski. Plus, not to be a birther about it, but we heard they're not even native to Florida.
6. U.S. 1 in Coral Gables
Seriously: We spend more time on that damn little car-clogged stretch of road than we do writing inane lists, and that's saying something.
5. WSVN's Deco Drive
We could just change the channel, but for some troubling reason, we don't. We need a recall to protect us from news about Charlie Sheen and the new tropical sushi roll at some South Beach restaurant we'll never go to.
Uh, the city.
3. The Miami Herald editorial board (screenshot via Random Pixels)
2. The front office of the Florida Marlins
And just because we're feeling slightly out of control, relief pitcher Randy Choate.
1. City Commissioner Marc Sarnoff
You already knew that.