Dear America: Stop Criticizing Miami Heat Fans

Categories: Sports
heatfanns.jpg
Dear America:

We address you as ambassadors of sorts from the culturally sovereign nation of Miami-Dade. It has recently come to our attention that the "Miami Heat," a professional sporting concern that represents our city in your National Basketball Association, has advanced to a series that will crown this organization's annual champion. This pleases us greatly. Yet we can't help but notice that many American citizens and assorted riffraff known as sports "journalists" and bloggers do not find our fans to behave in a manner they find satisfactory. In an effort to further cultural understanding between our separate nations, we would like to explain why the good people of Miami are a different breed of fan, and then we would like to kindly invite you and yours to "suck on it" and "shut up."

As we understand it, many Americans grow up attending professional sporting games with their families. They are brainwashed, in a manner not so dissimilar to the troubling propaganda efforts of some of our mutual enemy nations, into pledging blind allegiance to a particular team from an early age. They are conditioned, according to a popular American propaganda song, to "root, root, root for the home team." It is our understanding that many Americans find the lack of this kind of fandom in Miami disturbing.

As you may not, however, be aware, according to a 2004 study by the United Nations, 59 percent of Miamians were born outside of the country in which the city is located. That is a far higher percentage than any city in the entire world. No other even comes close.

So you see, America, many of our citizens do not originally hail from countries that have much of a basketball culture. Many did not grow up going through the requisite "true fan" brainwashing programs that many American cities institute. In fact, our Miami Heat team was established only in 1988, which does not help matters. We are trying to catch up in this area, but we reserve the right to deem your criticism of our fans in this matter as "sort of racist" until then.

As you may also not be aware, our recent past experiences with sports have left us somewhat disillusioned. We have heard these folktales of how our Miami Dolphins once completed the most perfect season in all of sports history. Though a great local hero named Dan Marino led us through many a battle (but never all the way), the team recently has devolved into a teal-colored shit show that hardly remembers what a quarterback is actually supposed to do, topped with a J.Lo cherry in the owners' box.

Meanwhile, our Marlins once won the World Series only to completely sell every star player off in the off-season. Actually, wait, that happened twice. The Marlins hold the dubious distinction of being the only MLB team to have never lost a postseason series, and have recently decided to screw us with the bill for their new stadium. (We also are told there is something called a "hockey" team right over our border. We do not understand what this "hockey" game is and refuse to respond to it.) So surely you can see why pride in local sports has been low of late.

We are also of the understanding that many Americans have come to view a tribe of people known as "Rich Douches" as representative of all Miami Heat fans. Do not misunderstand, relations between Rich Douches and real Miamians are sound. We greatly appreciate the economic impact of the Rich Douche people and regularly court their tourism.

Yet, they do not represent our culture as a whole, and many of us do not fully understand their customs. They seem to wear sunglasses inside, show up to events (often late) just so that they can brag that they were there, and, thanks to cocaine-addled attention spans, cannot concentrate on much. Unfortunately, these Rich Douches have more disposable income and time to spend on increasingly expensive sporting tickets, and show up to Heat games in great numbers. Yes, the Rich Douches are a part of the cultural tapestry that is Miami-Dade, but most Miamians are simple, hard-working people who do not own bedazzled T-shirts.

In fact, as you might be aware, the recent economic downturn has greatly affected our nation-state. An American magazine known as Forbes ranked us the second most miserable city this year. Our unemployment rate sits at 13.3 percent, far greater than other major American cities. The foreclosure crisis hit us especially hard, and our real estate market sits in shambles.

The recent success of the Miami Heat has given us a bright spot of pride during an especially bleak economic time, yet you surely understand why the Rich Douches dominate our court-side seats.

However, the recent success of the Miami Heat, led by a man known as LeBron James (who we understand why you hate -- we are not completely oblivious), has gotten us excited. We have celebrated wildly after series wins over the Boston Celtics and Chicago Bulls. Apparently this does not please you Americans. We are struggling to understand why you criticize us for not being good enough fans and then slam us for celebrating our team. Someone must please explain this to us.

We hope our explanation clears matters up. Though, if you would like, we could also further explain the fact that we are on our own system of timekeeping known as the "Miami Time Zone," the fact that our city features many other diversions and we do not tend to spend as much time sitting at home drinking Budweiser alone while yelling at ESPN, or the simple fact that celebrating your teams when they are doing well and tending not to take it too personally when they kind of suck leads to a much happier state of mind. (Because, honestly, we have enough misery of our own that we prefer not to latch onto the misery and miscalculations of our millionaire athletes and the teams' rich owners.)

Sincerely,
The Culturally Sovereign Nation-State of Miami-Dade

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68 comments
Andrew
Andrew

I liked your excessive use of the word aware, it's an incredibly pedestrian word when applied in large portions. Fitting for such a plebeian fanbase so thoroughly disconnected from the yeoman's path.

leigh
leigh

I agree with almost everything. Except the brainwashing of soccer fans is 10x worse in latin countries... so that argument doesn't apply. You would have been brainwashed in your respective country as well; it's not just an "american" sports thing. 

Siner DME
Siner DME

i have been a heat fan since the beginning in 88.through the good and the bad,and i still support thenm to this day even with the addition of the "king".but damn!!!some of u guys really make the point about heat fans being ignorant morons.does anyone read the stuff they post first...whoa!!! 

AScoutingLife
AScoutingLife

What language was that originally written in?

Cardiff
Cardiff

What's with the quotes around 'sort of racist'?  That pretty much says it all, if you want to say something just say it instead of saying nothing. 

Annia815
Annia815

WoooHoooooo!!!!!!!!! Well said. Let's go Miamians...LET"S GO HEAT!!!!! <3

Real miamian
Real miamian

Who ever wrote this article is definitely a heat fan. Unfortunately they're ignorant to every other sports team. Get an education then write back. PS you're footed the bill for that arena too.

jay
jay

Heat fans are a bunch of morons! I live in Miami and can't stand em'. Low class people, and hate when they say "we" lost.... No, it's "they" lost. You don't play for the heat.

GTFOVERITMV3
GTFOVERITMV3

I don't know who's more annoying these days...the bandwagon fans or the people who complain about them. As if every team doesn't have them. 

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

America has every right to criticize Miami fans this year. During the beginning of the season, the arena had to "convince" fans to come out and show up on time and stay for the final buzzer. Anyone remember the "Fan Up Miami" campaigns? Really? How does ANYONE who is a sports fan show up 20 minutes late where arguably the best athletes in the world are playing on the same court on the same team? That is just ridiculous. Miami Heat fans never did this when Shaq was playing in Miami. Yes, you show up in the playoffs Miami fans and you are STILL late for that most of the time. You don't deseve this team Miami. Lebron and DWade should have went to Chicago or NY and they would have won there too. NY and CHI are better cities too. Hell even Cleveland is a better sports city than Miami is! The fact is, Miami fans are spoiled brats that do not deserve this talent. If I played in a city where only half the fans show up I wouldn't start playing until all the fans show up. Oh, then there is the Marlins! How about them Marlins? Only 5000 people turn out to watch their games.You suck Miami.

"So you see, America, many of our citizens do not originally hail from countries that have much of a basketball culture. Many did not grow up going through the requisite "true fan" brainwashing programs that many American cities institute. In fact, our Miami Heat team was established only in 1988, which does not help matters. We are trying to catch up in this area, but we reserve the right to deem your criticism of our fans in this matter as "sort of racist" until then."

What the hell is this supposed to mean? Many of your fans do not hail from this country? Okay and your point is? There is INDEED a huge NBA fan base in Europe, Asia, South America and even Africa in case you haven't noticed this yet. Ever notice how diverse the NBA is multi-culturally? Give me a break. The NBA is broadcasted throughout every country in the world as basketball is indeed an international sport. But what about that huge soccer festival you morons had last summer? They showed up for that in MASSES didn't they? And here Soccer is a sport America cares very little about. You are INDEED a third world country Miami."Our team was established in 1988".... Okay go ahead and explain this one to me. The Oklahoma City Thunder was established in 2008 and they have the best fan base in the league. There is no excuse here to this. You either support your team or you don't. It has nothing to do with what year the franchise was established. The Miami Heat fans were some of the best when Shaq was in Miami and then all the sudden they suck. Is Miami that bi-polar of a city? You are indeed the 2nd most miserable city in America!

The fact is, Miami is a football town. There is no room for basketball, baseball or even hockey. You can throw in soccer if you want to because kick ball is what they play in third world countries. You cannot convince a die-hard football town to like any other sport whether it is professional or not. I would know this because I have lived in both Miami and Tallahassee. Football is the main topic and that is it. Then again, this is the south. There are probably more Miami Heat fans (bandwagon fans) outside of South FL as a matter of fact. So go ahead and root root root for those teal shit stains you call the Dolphins. That is all you deserve and yet you still suck as fans in that category too. America has every right to pick fun of a city that refuses to support their sports teams, especially when that sports team is a powerhouse team of the century that every other city in America would love to have.

Lex
Lex

To all you hating ass lickers WISH YOU HAD OUR TEAM. THATS WHY YOU HATE! All you inbreed cousin fucking loosers should just sit back, and watch. Oh, and dont forget to close your mouths. Its not polite to salivate in public. BITCHES!!!

Lex
Lex

Brilliant!

AllDayBitch
AllDayBitch

MAYBE IF IT WASN'T FOR THE FACT THAT LITERALLY 95% OF THE HEAT'S FANBASE ARE, LET'S FACE IT, LEBRON-DICKRIDERS, MAYBE WE WOULDN'T CRITICIZE SO DAMN MUCH.....BITCH!!!

WADE STILL GO H.A.M. THOUGH

IT'S JUST SAD HE HAS TO PLAY WITH THAT FAGGOT ASS COWARD LEBRON WHO THINKS HE CAN JUST WALTZ IN AND TAKE OVER AS IF HE'D BEEN THERE FROM DAY ONE. D-WADE IS MORE OF A KING THAN THAT BITCH! MATTER OF FACT, LEBRON GOING DOWN TO SOUTHBEACH TO JOIN THE HEAT OFFICIALLY MADE LEBRON D-WADE'S PERSONAL BITCH! TAKE THAT YOU BITCH-ASS LEBRON-DICKRIDERS!

FUCK SAYING "GO HEAT" BITCH! FROM NOW ON, BITCH, WE SAY, "GO D-WADE" BITCH!

               YOURS FUCKING TRULY AND ALWAYS HATING ON THAT BITCH-ASS LEBRON,                                                                                                                   ALLDAYBITCH

P.S.

BITCH!

Tired Of the Cry Babies
Tired Of the Cry Babies

Grow Up & Suck it up you angry, bitter, a holes. It's just a effin game. When you die, no one will give a crap about your opinions on the New Times Comment Board. "Oh gee this guy really makes sense on this board here" Yo! It's satyrical at best & you lil bitches need to stop crying. This is the 305! We love our teams, sucky or not. I was born & raised here, always rooted for the home team no matter what! The only reason why the stadium is empty is prob because these franchises hike up ticket prices every year & not everyone can afford season tickets. SO Yea it's gonna be packed when they do good, because we'll reach into our shallow pockets & muster up enough change to buy a effin ticket & ROOT ROOT ROOT 4 THE HOME TEAM. In the end it comes down to this:

1. Sports always have a positive impact on the community & the children who admire their favorite athletes

2. Haters will HATE, it's called motivation for us 2 get even rowdier&3. THIS IS WAAADE COUNTY BITCH! GO HEAT GO HEAT GO HEAT GO HEAT GO HEAT GO HEAT GO HEAT GO HEAT

All your hate fuels our FIRE!

KYLE: Great article!!

Ron
Ron

Miami 1-Dallas 1

Tesh1er
Tesh1er

Very well put... Kudos! 

AG
AG

Wow, they'll give anyone a blog. Don't speak for me, thanks.  The fairweather fans that were not there in 2007 when the Heat were swept in the first round are miraculously there now for this championship run. The Miami fans stink. they're the same ones that aren't there for Marlins games now, but will total over 50,000 if they make it to the World Series. Get over the chip on your shoulder and don't speak for me, a true Miami born and raised on Coral Way.

Grady
Grady

you guys seem to really like LBJ, but i have to believe with all the catholic guilt in the city your consciences must innately know that youre being led by the scum of the earth. Then again with cultural icons like Dexter and Tony Montana maybe Miami has just embraced local celebrities that are hell-bound. Either way i just hope BronBron doesn't drag Dwade down under with him, I liked him at Marquette

Black Barbie
Black Barbie

Man I don't care what anybody has to say about us "The Heat" We are the s*y*.... You haters just jealous because we be putting it down.... Heat fan for life people hating on us is great that let us know that we are during our job.. So F all yall HATERS... Het a life...

Blecherj
Blecherj

No better than a high school essay. Crap writing.

Christopher Brao
Christopher Brao

Mmmmmmm, the delicious taste of salt on open wounds. GO HEAT!

Iseeyoureangry
Iseeyoureangry

Honestly though, who gave these bitter Mavs fans a link to  the New Times. Really though?

Bustacap
Bustacap

Kyle Munzenrieder= pseudo-journalist.  The Miami Heat "fan" is the quintessential definition of a piece of garbage.

troof
troof

It find it mind boggling that we're a free country yet still manage to have racism... does this make sense to anyone??? If you hate it so much how about you go to a country like, idk lets say Cuba! you know, we're all leaving there maybe YOU would like it there, but if you get stuck cutting sugar canes for nickels and dimes, dont be upset, its what you wanted, you f***ng pigs.

Mcuban
Mcuban

The team was only established in 1988??? O man only 23 years to get a fanbase #gomavs #noonelikestheheat

guest
guest

Ummmm, yea, i say Wade is the leader. Just wanted to correct that one teeny tiny error. Loved the write up though.

zdiddy888
zdiddy888

You must be a sad, angry, little-dicked man...

So much pain, so much suffering I hear in your words... the words of a feeble-minded individual.

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

Of course there are several cities across America that would love to have your team. Yet you cannot even show up on time to the games (or attend) of your beloved team that you brag so much about. This is when America pokes fun of you.

SuccessIsTheBestRevengeeeee
SuccessIsTheBestRevengeeeee

You know it. Looking at us like we should stop cheering for our home team because big bad bully Lebron came to our team. PLEASE. NO ONE WOULD DO THAT.

2-1On to the next won. Go Heat.

Tired Of the Cry Babies
Tired Of the Cry Babies

TYPING LIKE THIS MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT BITCH! I think I've seen more Bosh jerseys than James because of the simple fact that no one is really riding his dick. They just appreciate the fact that we have an All-Star Team & the guy can get points on the board. Keep on hating you immature children. Just makes us look & feel that much better. WADE County all day & GO HEAT!

guest
guest

Give me a break. I went to a Heat game this season for $20. Marlins tickets are like 5 bucks and Panthers tickets they're practically giving away. The only team that has somewhat expensive tickets is the Dolphins, but that is because its the NFL- tickets are expensive wherever you go.

arealmiamian
arealmiamian

you say you were born and raised here, htf??? when if you were trully from here you would know that Miami only cares about a sports team when they're winning and when it's the "cool thing" to do. The worst fans reside in Miami. A Marlins ticket starts at $8.00 how much more cheaper does it need to be to justify your ridiculous comment. I remember the days when the Arena would get packed to go see the panthers in the Stanley Cup but when they left no one cared. More then half the Miami Heat fans are the same fans that only root for the home team becasue well it's the thing to do right now. You might be a "true" heat fan (probably not though) but your neighbors family and co-workers aren't despiste what they say and what you believe. So how about you grow up and accept reality.

SuccessIsTheBestRevengeeeee
SuccessIsTheBestRevengeeeee

Who the hell are you? How pathetic is your statement? No, we were fully aware that Lebron was an arrogant little fck before he came to MIA. But would YOU stop rooting for your home team because he's on it now? Very doubtful. STFU. Clearly, you've been watching too much HBO and Miami Vice. 

AG
AG

Huh?

Blecherj
Blecherj

One more thing. Don't profess to speak for me.

SuccessIsTheBestRevenge
SuccessIsTheBestRevenge

Bustacap= quintessential definition of a "brave", "outspoken" person....ON THE INTERNET. GTFO.

YOU'RE GARBAGE.

sorryassheatfans...lol
sorryassheatfans...lol

no one is expecting you to stop cheering but stop acting like you guys are REAL fans when 80% of you guys are all banwagon fans. half of all you heat fans probably had ever heard of the name Chris Bosh before and you guys call yourselves fans. you guys are the only reason why i would want them to lose so see how quickly and how fast you heat fans turn on your beloved Miami Heat.

AllDayBitch
AllDayBitch

YOU AND YO DADDY BOTH SUCKED LEBRON'S DICK, HUH? I CAN JUST SMELL THE FAGGOTRY COMING FROM YOU, BITCH!

P.S.

HEAT GOT LUCKY TONIGHT, BITCH!

GuestGuestGuest
GuestGuestGuest

Wow!!!! Where'd you get your ticket? PLEASE let me know because tickets since the season started ,charging $140 for nosebleeds. I went to the playoff games last year for cheaper than that and in a MUCH better section. 

Grady
Grady

clearly, youre a retard since you're taking a sports related comment that references catholic guilt seriously and since neither of those characters have anything to do with HBO or miami vice. Also, youre in the minority admitting that he was an "arrogant little fck before he came to MIA" (as if coming to MIA somehow made him less of one?) seeing as everyone from miami tries to defend 'the decision' and his Miami jersey has been flying off the shelves. I'm just enjoying watching your team of douchebags lose to the significantly less talented Mavs because 3 all star ballhogs can't figure out how to put their egos aside and play as a team. Whether it's for cleveland or miami, you can always count on lebron to choke in the 4th quarter

And just in case you haven't realized this yet, the amount of comments you've posted on this thread shows that you either have no life or have a dead end job that has enough downtime to respond to every negative comment on here about the heat. Go fahk yourself and put more eeee's on the end of your screenname like every other 16 year old girl on the internet

SuccessIsTheBestRevengeeeee
SuccessIsTheBestRevengeeeee

Hey, I'm not denying that yes, a BIG percentage are bandwagon fans but what team DOESN'T have them? I can remember not too long ago Boston being on a 17 game losing streak and their arena being half empty. But of course, you won't find that now. The fans being a reason for a team to lose is pretty lame. Still, I'll take that over the excuse of being butthurt by Lebron's personality. 

AllDayBitch
AllDayBitch

YO MAMA A BITCH, BITCH! OH YEAH! TOTALLY OWNED YO ASS!

SuccessIsTheBestRevengeeeee
SuccessIsTheBestRevengeeeee

The Heat got LUCKY?! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Oh, the refs tried really hard but the Heat came up top anyway.

P.S.

Save the wiping of the cheetos on your shirt and don't waste a second putting your little fat fingers to work. I know your response will be in caps and some lame "diss" that's not even funny. Oh yeah and, BITCH.GO HEAT GO HEAT GO HEAT GO HEAT GO HEAT GO HEAT GO HEATWadeChalmersMillerBibbyBoshAnthonyTHE WHOLE DAMN TEAM INCLUDING LBJ.

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