Five Reasons Miami Is a Better City Than Dallas

Categories: Listicles, Sports
drunk dirk.jpg
The Dallas Mavericks earned a spot in the NBA Finals Wednesday night with their 100-96 win over the Oklahoma City Thunder, which means once the Heat finally put the Chicago Bulls out of their misery tonight, all that stands between Miami and a national title is a shaggy, horse-toothed German and his band of merry pranksters.

While plenty is going to be written about the intricacies of the 2006 rematch, Riptide feels a broader analysis is in order: Both sides can make informed arguments for the superiority of their squad, but there is almost no evidence to suggest that Dallas, as a city, does not suck. We humbly present the evidence forthwith.

1. Dallas is fat. One of the fattest cities in America, according to the annual (and surprisingly scientific) Men's Health ranking of 100 American cities. Dallas is one of eight cities that got a failing grade. (Miami got a B+.) At least all that Texas barbecue gives Tony Romo an excuse for that choking problem of his.

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The most attractive woman in Dallas.
2. The second-most famous Heatle is Dwyane Wade. The second-most famous Maverick is John McCain. Does anyone care about a Mavs player who isn't Dirk Nowitzki? The only time we hear about anyone else on that team is when they do something good by accident, and even then they get 8 seconds on SportsCenter before another three months of setting picks and watching Dirk do all the work. Jason Kidd is celebrating his 400th birthday next year; maybe then he'll get some press. (And yes, I know Shawn Marion finally gets to go to the finals. But if Google is to be trusted, he doesn't even get close to Dirk's notoriety.)

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McCain, after seeing Mark Cuban's pecs.
3. Dallas is in Texas. There's no need to go too deeply into why this is a terrible state in which to situate your city, but, in this month alone, Rep. Paul Ryan Ron Paul said he wouldn't have supported the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the state legislature passed a bill many feel disenfranchises poor people, and the state was so itchy to execute a guy that when they ran out of a lethal injection drug, they just swapped in a different one usually used to euthanize dogs.

4. In Miami, standing in sand indicates you're near the ocean, attractive people and a good time. In Dallas, standing in sand indicates you're near a vast, unforgiving desert with murderous Mexican drug lords on one side and Wichita, Kansas on the other. Oh, and don't forget the sledgehammer murderers.

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Hamed Saber via Wikimedia Commons
A man enjoys the sights and sounds of downtown Dallas.
5. The music doesn't lie. There doesn't appear to have ever been a positive song written about Dallas, though slide guitar dynamo Johnny Winter painted an exquisite portrait of the place in his 1969 self-titled album: "Goin' back to Dallas, bring my razor and my gun ... There's so much shit in Texas, I'm bound to step in some." There are plenty of other songs, but you get the idea. Plus, the good ones talk about JFK, which seems a bit rude to cite in an article about some people playing a ball game on television. (Though nobody's ever killed a sitting president in Miami. Bonus.) Meanwhile, Miami is universally adored by musicians -- even the professionally mopey Counting Crows seem to have a certain nostalgia for the area, to say nothing of Big Willie Style.

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"Sorry, Dallas. I was going to rap about you, but you're just too awful."
It's going to be a great series, and it gives the Heat a chance to win a ring untarnished by the controversy surrounding game 5 of the 2006 finals, in which Mavs fans and owner Mark Cuban pitched a fit over a (shitty) call in overtime and then acted like it was a couple of Dwyane Wade foul shots that cost them the title instead of the fact that they dropped four consecutive games to the Heat. The smart money, though, gets put on the chronically myopic Bennett Salvatore not being allowed anywhere near this one.

Regardless of what happens over the next few weeks and who brings home that weird, clunky Larry O'Brien Trophy, the Heat will come home to a richly cultural metropolis, while the Mavericks go home to... well, somewhere else.

Now all we have to do is beat the Bulls.

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90 comments
Readyrightnow
Readyrightnow

I lived in both cities and love them both...miami got them beaches...and good food...dallas I love their freeways and tacos...both states have different races..which is good to see how others live..its crazy how y'all going back and fourth argueing about a freaking state..love where u live...enjoy ur live..its hell or heaven anyway

XD
XD

HAHAHAHA Tell me how my Dirk tastes!!

Rays
Rays

One away!  Write that one Rich my Bitch!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Love it!EAT ME! 

Rays
Rays

Hey Dallas just got another FAT win baby!!! One away! Hey Wade finished the game standing up for a change. Lebron is Marions bitch!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA 

junk
junk

wait! did he take a "drug related" shot at Texas? Ever heard of Cocaine Cowboys, Scarface, and many other cocaine stories exclusive to miami?

Ana Estrada
Ana Estrada

-_- god you are a fucking ignorant idiot......

Chris Bailey
Chris Bailey

Your use of Will Smith completely negated the argument. Miami obviously has Dallas-envy...here in Dallas, looking at our larger and more populous metro area, our taller buildings, our better skyline and our financial stability, we realize it's pointless to lower ourselves to such a low comparison like Miami...we're out of your league...you've got your beaches, a few pink buildings and Don Johnson. That's about it. And I know Dallas-Fort Worth is huge, and maybe you failed remedial geography, but we're still quite some distance from Kansas.

Rich Abdill
Rich Abdill

I'm aware that Dallas is quite some distance from Kansas -- that was why I called the area in between "vast." It was a reference to the Great Plains, which I learned about in remedial geography (B-, thank you). And what do you have against Will Smith?

Chris Bailey
Chris Bailey

Your use of Will Smith completely negated the entire argument.

Des
Des

Okay 1. Texas is huge, categorizing every Texan to be a hick and republican is a insult to me. 2. You don't live here, you don't know. Stop talking shit, no one is talking shit about Miami. 3. this is foolishness... Seriously

BW
BW

"Heatle"? Really?? Oof.

Rooster
Rooster

Isn't arguing over whether a Dallas or Miami is a better city a lot like two midgets arguing who is taller?

Progdor
Progdor

you're an idiot...Let's see Dirk go to the line 97 times this series and see how many Heat fans gripe about a conspiracy

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

You're joking right? Miami is a piece of sh!t.

Esteban
Esteban

Miami is perfect. Texas is nasty. Proud of my city!

Rick Perry
Rick Perry

Nasty ass nigger. Miami is a shit nigger town and Lebron and DWade are fuckin nigger ass pieces of shit. Miami's slave owning owner should take those dirty fuckin niggers to a car wash and wash that disgusting black shit off their baboon bodies. Make some respectable white players out of em like Dirk.

PanMav4ever
PanMav4ever

Okay, you got us. That's right. Texas is such a bad place, etc.

But you, Florida, I mean c'mon. You call that a frigging panhandle?! I mean, how do you explain that? Where's the pan? Let's be honest, we all know that there's only one, true panhandle in this here finals and that's the state that looks like an actual pan. Not some . . . well, what does Florida look like to you?

Admit it, you jinxed this one in 2004 to elect our governor president for the second time. Texas may be bad, but Florida is our lapdog.

@MolotovPolitics
@MolotovPolitics

Don't come to Dallas Rich. You won't leave, well not in one piece.

Jbteg21
Jbteg21

Really? Texas rates at the top every year for most beautiful women jackass! Only thing Miami has for it is a bunch of run away cubans.

Himara
Himara

I'm from Miami and visit family in Dallas, I can tell you Dallas is far better. They way of life, much cleaner, less crimes,the city has more diversity, the list goes on. This is an ignorant article from a colomunist in which people here are claiming is not even from Miami.. please return with to your state your views , you're making us look bad. Sport rivalrys have nothing to do with a city's stance. Hopefully this article will go un-noticed for what remains. You don't deserve the attention, ass wipe.

Candylicousness86
Candylicousness86

Funny, funny I worte this fake journalist and he didn't have the balls to respond. I know many people who haev moved from Miami to Dallas and wouldn;t move back for anything. He lacks intellignece and journalistic skills. He's not even from Miami, he's from Maryland.

Dominicide2
Dominicide2

Okay, I live in Dallas--and it is a big shithole. And I lived in Miami for 14 years--it too is a very big shithole. So there, I am fair. There are no great cities in the US anyway--they are all in Europe. Sucks being spoiled.

jez
jez

I am a Dallas resident.  I'm not going to lower myself by using profanity or by insulting Miami. All I WILL say is that we are going to hurt you. We are going to beat you. And we will laugh at you while we are doing it.

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

___ _ \ / ) ========= ___/ \ / \___ / /\ \ ] / /\ \( q-----( ) ( o ) \___/ [ \___/

se1612
se1612

Funny with all that I'd rather be in Miami any day than Dallas. Oh, and plenty of tourists agree! LOL! 

Fid
Fid

Man dude you really hate Cubans O.o.. I pray to God you stay in Tallahasee... You also make me feel ashamed to be a -.- democrat.

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

/ \ / _ \ | / \ | || || _______ || || |\ \ || || ||\ \ || || || \ | || || || \__/ || || || || \\_/ \_/ \_// / _ _ \ / \ | O O | | \ ___ / | / \ \_/ / \ / ----- | --\ \ | \__/|\__/ \ | \ |_|_| / \_____ _____/ \ / | |

******* ****** ** ** ** ********** ****** ** **** ** **** ** ** ** ** ** ** **** ** ** ** ** ** ************ ***** ** ** ** ********* ***** ** ******** **** ** ** ** ******** ****** ** ** ** ** ** ** **** ** ****** ***** ** ** ** **** ** ****** ***** ** ** ** **

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

Chris Bosh is from Dallas. I hope the idiot that wrote this article is aware of that!

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

____ _______ _____ _______ ------- / __ \ |__ __| / _ \ |__ __| -====------ | (__) | | | \ \ \_\ | | -======------ | __ | | | / \ __ | | --====------- | | | | | | | (\ / / | | ----------- |_| |_| |_| \_____/ |_| -------

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

Dallas is more diverse, there are more music "scenes", has nicer looking downtown buildings, Dallas Cowboys, bigger market, seasonal changes, better malls, better clubs, underground scenes, and has more fortune 500 companies than both Miami and Fort Lauderdale.

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

Dallas is by far a better city than Miami is. Please, let's not even make comparisons here. And the author of this article forgot to mention that Miami IS ALSO a fat city. Yes look it up folks Miami is indeed America's most obese city (or at least it was in 2009 and 2010). Not only that, you have some of the dumbest voters in the entire country that elect the same cronies to "lead" that miserable place. Hah!!! Miami sucks just deal with it.

Power Ron
Power Ron

There was an article just like this from a New York paper right before the ALCS last year. All you did was eff up your city's karma. I'm gonna be laughing my ass off at this inane article in a week or so while you'll be crying tears that smell like schnizel and Becks. Takedatwichu!!!

And Paul Ryan instead of Ron Paul? Really? Who happens to be from Houston by the way. So now you are an idiot twice.

Ctdog34
Ctdog34

yall are fucking idiots, i mean what the fuck gives you the right to dis a a team that dont show boat or sell out to a fucking crapy ass cell phone company like t mobile, you know what your right the heat do get to go back to miami, a town full of whores, drug addicts and faggets like yourselfs, ohhh plus your team are all a bunch of racist niggers who think there better then there own mothers, who probably got pregnant selling themselves for crack, hince dwayne wades mother, now you wanna talk shit lets go bring it mother fuckers!!!!!!!!!

Johnyb124
Johnyb124

Racist niggers?? Wow dude looks like your the fuckin racist u fat fuck who prob just sits at home eatin fuckin potatoe chips wishin u were partyin in a city like Mia instead of just finding your fuckin inch pipi under all that fat to jerk off bitch so just sit yOur Fatt ass back and watch the 3 kings house the mavs homie hey hope I didn't put a tear on your face just wipe em off with them dirty ass greasy potatoe chip finger homie

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

Speaking of "racist". Look no further than Miami.

79 Sierra Js
79 Sierra Js

Ha!! Yea the Heat getting their ass wooped!! Theyll never get that many rings keep dreaming!! Ive been to Miami n their clubs Suck!! The best clubs are in Dallas, I live in the biggest state n the cleanest...you gonna remember this conversation wen your Heat don't win the Championship n you cry like a little BITCH!! But youll b welcome to come celebrate with us n D Town ill show u how we party up here. Mavs just chillin right now waiting to see who they have to play next. MAVS # 1

79 Sierra Js
79 Sierra Js

Your so sure the Heat is gonna beat the Bulls!!! Even if they do Tha Mavs gonna man handle them. You win with a team not with 3 players. Those 3 players can b stopped Dirk cant. Plus we got a deeper team n better bench!! Lebron is gonna wish he wouldve came to Dallas instead of running to Wade for help!! Ha!! But he could never carry a team on his own

Johnyb124
Johnyb124

That's fine bro he'll be blowin em while they take not 1 not 2 not 3 shit bout 8 rings so whatever they do in thee personal lives I don't give a fuck and why u gotta whine about the refs u got anything better else to do?? U watchin the game now? There sucking drose dick right bout now but ayy I ain't complainin no matter how many bad calls they give us we still winnin so keep hatin bro I don't even knw why I waste my time on little girls that don't even knw bout basketball like yourself but hey have fun in Dallas ridin them cattles while I'm up in south beach gettin some pusssssyyy ;)

79 Sierra Js
79 Sierra Js

Ha ya look at the numbers Dirk is better than James!! N three kings?? Wtf!! Really theyr your kings?? 06 Finals Wade had O'neil n the Refs!! But thats something yall cant accept. I don't think Wade feels to good bout winning that Ring he had to blow Bosh n James to go help him. Bosh Sux anyways... N are you watchin the Heat getting their ass KICKED right now?? Ha!! Where are your three kings?? Mavs gonna take it

Johnyb124
Johnyb124

Dirk can't be stopped but lebron can?? Do u even watch basketball?? What a disgrace bro have u seen the # he puts up? Yea ok dirk is havin a great playoffs so far not gnna lie by better then lebron?? Dude lay off the crack pipe shits really fuckin with your head....first it was the cetics are gnna beat them in 6 then we housed them then the bulls were gnna beat the heat in 5 and what's the series soo far?? U guys really need to just ACCEPT the factt that the heat have 3 of the greatest players in the NBA right now and yes that includes bosh!!! Get ready homie u rem what happen in 06?? and that was just dwade and shaq now it's the 3 kings look man I just hope they don't embarrass the mavs that bad!! Wait I actually don't care LOL heat in 4!!! I smell a sweep ;)

la_dennis
la_dennis

Why don't you talk about basketball instead of trash-talking other people and their city? I'm not a fan of the Miami Heat, but that means absolutely nothing in regards to the city and the people in the city. Grow up.

Vanceti
Vanceti

Seriously??? Your sir are an idiot! Miami is not all glam and beauty! It is one hell of a dirty town and have you been to the beaches ??? There are more whales outside the water then inside and you call Dallas fat??? Texas is the best state in the nation!

Rich Is A Dill........Hole
Rich Is A Dill........Hole

Of course a douche-canoe transplant from Jersey would write this article.  What are you....like 6 months out of school?  Have you even ever been to Texas?  Lets see..you were born in Jersey (home of the largest concentration of douche on the planet) and then went to school at the "illustrious" University of Maryland???  Really??  The worst campus in the US among the crappiest and most forgotten area in the US (aka DC and Maryland).......but yet you are talking shit about Texas?  Have you even been here "Little" Rich?  Yeah...I didn't think so.

79 Sierra Js
79 Sierra Js

Keep HATING ON DALLAS!! Ha!! Miami SUX n the Beach aint all that. Dont Forget everything is BIGGER n BETTER in TEXAS!!! The Heat got help from the refs in 06 n now they need 3 All Star players to try to win!! The city in Miami is nasty, Dirty n it smells like SHIT!!! Go MAVS!!

Stone Groove
Stone Groove

Jamiaicans, cubans, domincans, brazilians, & Bahamian women are MY 5 reasons. We already know the heat will be anihilating the Mavericks Thats' no question.

Dallassucks
Dallassucks

to everybody from dallas: go hit the dougie or something ur city is trash

Janismarie3
Janismarie3

You've obviously never been here! Children in middle school don't even pick fights like this. So childish, I read this as comical, and nothing else. Both cities and most people are wonderful in their own unique way! Is this some sad little cry for attention? Pathetic! I hope this is a joke! Because I am laughing! Go Mavs!

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