Big night in Miami tonight. On one side, the Miami Heat hosting the Chicago Bulls in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals. On the other, the Miami-Dade elections. What's a good Miamian to do? Watch the game? Check on the election results?
Well, don't fret, good citizen. Just stay with us throughout the evening and you'll get both!
Holy dickfire! Really? Oh yes. Keep it here as we live-blog both the game and update the election as the results come in. It's as if ESPN Keith Olbermann melded with MSNBC Keith Olbermann and became self-aware. Only less narcissistically douchey!
Hey, you got your Eastern Conference Game 4 in my Miami-Dade County Elections results! You got your Miami-Dade County Elections results in my Eastern Conference Game 4!
LET'S DO THIS!
(We'll kick shit off round 8:30 or so... Hit refresh every now and again for updates)
8:30- Let's kick things off with Pepe Billete's Heat fight song!
PEPE BILLETE FOR MAYOR!!!
Also, Carlos Gimenez has the early lead for county mayor. But that's with just a small percent of the precincts reporting. Kind of like saying the game is over when Mario Chalmers checks in.
8:44- The Heat seem to be off to one of their notorious slow starts as the Bulls start the game on an 11-2 run. Meanwhile Wade missed a dunk. WE'RE DOOOMED!!!!
8:47- Midway though the first quarter, Joakim Noah hasn't used any derogatory slurs. Unless you count his body odor as one.
8:49- With 6:07 left in the first quarter, the Heat are in the bonus. They only have two field goals so far, so this should come in handy.
8:52- Derrick Rose is off to a fast start, as expected. He's exploding to the rim. Also exploding: the TNT announcing crew whenever Rose does something good.
8:55- Julio Robaina with a three pointer! Robaina has taken a comfortable lead. Gimenez coming in second. Marcelo Llorente in third. But neither of them are as humble as Derrick Rose.
9:00- LeBron is 1-of-6 shooting, D-Wade is 1-of-5 shooting, while Bosh has yet to take a shot. If you're not watching the game, you can pretty much guess how things are going so far.
9:05- LeBron goes on a fuck yea! tear and leads the Heat to an 8-0 run to finish the first quarter. The Heat are now down by three. Now if Dwyane Wade's game can stop eating so much ass, we can get going here...
*LUKE UPDATE* Luther Campbell is trailing a very respectable fourth right now. And the night is still young. It would be pretty fucking amazing if he pulled this off.
Kind of like if Mario Chalmers stole the ball from a Bulls player and then hit a three-pointer to give the Heat the lead...
9:10- ...Oh hey!
9:13- Mike Miller's torso just knocked down a three! Holy fucknuggets!
Though results were still being tabulated, Robaina and Gimenez held a firm grip on the first and second place positions, respectively. A late surge propelling one of the other nine candidates into the runoff seemed highly unlikely.
We call bullshit. Mainly because there's a game on and this state and city is already notoriously slow in counting votes to begin with. We still count by hand, yes?
Also, because we really want to see Luke make some noise and scare the shit out of the establishment because fuck them. Also, we wanted to use this picture when he won:
Also, STRIPPER BOOBIES!
9:31- Meanwhile, the Heat were on a nice run, got to a seven-point lead, and then shat all over themselves. They now lead by three. Stop shitting all over yourselves, the Heat!
9:39- Every time Derrick Rose makes a play, Marv Albert has a baby.
After leading by as much as seven, the Heat let the Bulls crawl back in it and head into the half down 46-44.
10:07- Heat start the second half playing basketball like old people fuck. The Bulls looking sharp on both ends of the floor, and start things off with a 55-48 third quarter lead.
10:09- Udonis Haslem is seen walking off to the locker room with a team doctor. Dwyane Wade's game has gone the way of the Chupacabra. Feels like shit is about to hit the fan.
10:14- Everything going the Bulls way now. Shots dropping, loose balls, offensive fouls being called on Miami, and the Heat down to hoping LeBron takes over all by his lonesome.
10:16- Dwayne Wade is playing like he locked his keys in his car.
10:17- Derrick Rose giving the TNT announcers more orgasms.
10:18- With 677 of 829 precincts reporting, nothing has changed in the mayor's race. Looks like the Herald was right in calling it the way they did earlier.
10:21- Udonis Haslem seems to be fine. Is back in the game. Thank the Baby Jesus.
10:25- LeBron with the monster donkey balls dunk over Luol Deng! Crowd goes wild! Heat cut the lead to two! Bulls call timeout! Dogs and cats living together!
10:28- Heat pushing it down the floor, clock winding down, LeBron dribbles, he finds Mike Miller all alone in the corner for a three-pointer. Mike Miller shoots!!! ANNDD....
10:29- After three, it's the Bulls 68 - Miami 63. Looks like we're gonna need MetaLeBron to save the night, or else the Heat's heading to Chi-town tied 2-2 and all the haters will unite in a worldwide circle jerk.
10:34- MIKE MILLER LIVES! HE'S SLOWLY FALLING APART LIKE A WET MUMMY... BUT HE LIVES NONETHELESS!!
10:43- The Bulls have remained in this game by sheer virtue of loose-ball-never-fucking-bouncing-to-a-Heat-player-ever. Miami up 72-71.
10:48- Wade has been absolutely light a sack of shit on fire awful tonight.
10:51- The Heat treat the basketball like it's been dipped in syphilis, refuse to pick it up. This leads to more Bulls points. Chicago up by three.
10:55- Game tied 80-80 with 2:53 remaining. Testes shriveling angst.
11:02- Heat up by one with one-minute left. Holy and fuck.
11:07- 23 seconds remaining. Game tied. Heat ball.
11:11- Ref with a goat piss awful foul call on LeBron gives the Bulls the ball with 8 seconds. The Humblest Human Person Alive Ever takes the final shot and misses. We are headed to overtime. Shit. Just. Got. Real.
11:18- Chris Bosh has all four points of overtime so far. Someone must've said something derogatory about his mama.
11:21- WADE! HE HEARD MY CRIES OF ANGST AND YEARNING!
11:22- LEBRON JAMES AIN'T CARE!
11:26- D-Wade with the steal and then the layup. HE IS RISEN! Heat up by 6.
11:30- D-Wade viciously blocks Derrick Rose's shot attempt. D-Wade shits in the so-called MVP's mouth.
11:32- 99-93 Heat lead with 6 seconds remaining. Crowd chanting "BARKLEY SUCKS!" Awesome.
11:36- HEAT WIN!!! Series now 3-1!!! Who's mayor? Who gives a raccoon's ass? Thanks for stopping by!!!! Exclamation points!!!