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Heat Playoffs: Celtics Strike Back in Game 3

Categories: Sports
Garnett.jpg
The Douche Strikes Back!
After roughly 5,836 days in between games, the Miami Heat finally resumed their Eastern Conference semi-final series against the Celtics in Boston. The end result wasn't as awesome as Games 1 and 2, in that the Heat got creamed pretty badly.

But the good news is Erik Spoelstra finally went with a different staring lineup for a change. Just kidding. He totally didn't. And the Heat started the first and third quarters poorly, which eventually led to the 97-81 loss. Obstinate head coaches! Fuck yea!

As expected, the Celtics came into Game 3 and assaulted the Heat with their douche relentless defense and sharp-shooting. Kevin Garnett led Boston with a 28-point night, while his Big Three compadres Paul Pierce and Ray Allen scored 27 and 15 respectively.

The Heat's Big Three didn't do so hot.

Dwyane Wade led the way with 23 points, but LeBron James was held to just 6-for-16 shooting for 15 points. Chris Bosh, meanwhile, was an abysmal 1-for-6 for 6 points. So the moral of the story is when their Big Three play like champs while our Big Three play like goat ass, the result is a ball-slap of epic proportions.

Lost in the wake of all the epic suck was a complete waste of outstanding performances from Joel Anthony (6-for-7!!!) and the return of Bizarro Mario Chalmers and his 17 points off the bench.

Yet Spolestra insists on starting Treebeard Zyndunas Ilgauskas and the re-animated carcass of Mike Bibby and their collective succubus-like shittiness. Bibby finished the night with a goose egg while Big Z managed to score two more points than that. The dynamic duo of self inflicted cock punches have been a problem throughout the playoffs for Miami, and it finally bit the Heat in the ass in a major way.

When asked about the starting lineup afterwards, Spoelstra told the media, "I will evaluate everything A to Z." We can only hope Erik Spolestra is a big fan of puns, because this needs to change immediately.

The big story of the game, however, will be Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo dislocating his elbow. During a play in the third, Rondo and D-Wade got tangled up after Wade tried to prevent him from getting a loose ball. The two crashed on the floor, and Rondo landed awkwardly. Then ABC proceeded to show his elbow bending in the complete opposite direction a million times to make sure the whole of America was properly nauseous.

Rondo was able to return after getting the elbow popped back in place and finished the night with 11 assists. His status for Game 4 is uncertain, but hats off to a ballsy performance after getting his elbow bent like a wire hanger.

DWYANE WADE IS A CHEAP PLAYAH! ONLY OWAH TEAMS ARE ALLOWED TAH INJURE OTHA PLAYAHS BECAWSE IT'S FACKIN BLUE COLLAH WHEN WE DO IT! LET'S GO SAWX!

So now the Heat will have to find some of their Games 1 and 2 mojo to prevent Boston from tying up the series on Monday night.

"We're trying to take down a champion," Spoelstra told reporters during the post-game interview, "and it will be one of the toughest things we have to do collectively."

It starts with Spoelstra going with a starting lineup that doesn't feature a guy who has completely forgotten how to shoot a basketball and another guy who runs up and down the court like a moose that just got hit with a tranquilizer dart. Would also be nice for LBJ to show back up, and for Chris Bosh to not suck as much balls as he did Saturday night.

In the meantime, enjoy all the national media Miami Heat schadenfreude, everybody!

Game 4 is on Monday at 7 p.m.

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