Udonis Haslem and His Amazing Feats of Awesome

Categories: Sports
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​In Game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals, the Miami Heat had zero answers for the Chicago Bulls and their insane rebounding prowess, sharp shooting, monster dunks and screamy faces. But in last night's Game 2, the Heat answered with the one-two punch of LeBron James and the ball obliterating return of one Udonis Johneal Haslem.

With the game tied at 73-73 with four minutes to play, LeBron decided he had enough of that stupid "LeBrick" moniker and scored nine points to give the Heat the 85-75 victory, evening the series at 1-1. For his part, Udonis came off the bench and punched dicks. Everyone has their role.

• In the final 4:35 remaining in the game, it was LeBron James and His Giant Royal Dong 9 - Chicago Bulls 2. It was one of those nights where Dwyane Wade would get to the basket, but then couldn't finish the play, while Chris Bosh stood around thinking about his 30-point Game 1 performance. At one point, the Heat went nine minutes without scoring a basket. But LeBron finally decided to do that thing where he wrecks people's hopes and dreams and hit a three-pointer that put Miami up 76-73. Then he hit another basket, and another. Then he hit a 20-footer. Then he stole a pass from Joahkim Noah and completed a three-point play. In other words, once again, with the game on the line in crunch time, LeBron James fucked his critics in the pants.

• Udonis Haslem, Righteous Destroyer of Asses, not only provided an emotional spark but also managed to throw down 13 points and five rebounds while adding two face crushing dunks on Derrick Rose and Keith Bogans. UD's daring quest of heroic awesomeness off the bench was the difference in the game (outside of LeBron wrecking the Bulls' shit in the final four minutes), and the Heat finally have the lineup they envisioned when they put this thing together last Summer. Now if only Mike Miller could stop losing body parts, we'd be golden.

• In just two games Taj Gibson has already become the most insufferable man on the planet. Dude celebrates every made basket like he won the World Championship of Douchey Role Players. Someone needs to punch Taj Gibson in the asshole.

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Jesus, knock it off with all the screaming already. We get it.
• Mario Chalmers sucks serious donkey tits.

• LeBron also rocked faces off with his defense. The man is not just about offense.

• Carlos Boozer finished the night with 7 points and sat out the final 16 minutes. He still leads the series in screaming.

• The Heat finally realized that standing around watching the other team grab loose balls is not good. So they remedied that and out-rebounded Chicago 45-40. The Bulls were held without an offensive rebound when Udonis Haslem was on the floor. UD played a full 23 minutes even though he hasn't had any real game-time action since last November, crashed the boards, hit silky smooth jumpers and saved a litter of kittens from a fiery wreckage all in the course of 23 minutes of action. UD runs on adrenaline, scrap metal, and pure awesomeness.

And, oh yea.... THIS:

• League MVP Derrick Rose finished the night with 21 points, and on paper that looks good. But the reality is the Heat defense must've swiped his Humble Juice because he missed 16 of his 23 shots. Sure 21 points looks fantastic, but when you take the same amount of shots to get there, it doesn't look so hot. The Heat defense kept Rose from scoring in the paint all night, which is where The Most Humble Human Person In The World makes his living. Miami pretty much sent everyone at Rose all night: LeBron, Wade, Miller, Bosh, even Flabbergasted Old Lady Bulls Fan was out defending Rose at one point. But the most impressive Rose defender on the night was the once-thought-dead Mike Bibby. HE FAKED HIS OWN DEATH! LIKE ELVIS! Rose is now shooting 37.8 percent in this series, which is kind of sucky for a league MVP.

• The best part about this win, aside from tying the series up and taking back home court and Flabbergasted Old Lady Bulls Fan, is that we still haven't gotten the best from Wade, LeBron and Bosh as a collective cockpunching force. Let's hope we get some as the series turns back to Miami.

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Game 3 is back at the Triple-A on Sunday at 8:30 pm.

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Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

Haslem is a real blue collar player and I love his game. Anyone who watches basketball should admire UD and his incredible work ethic.

Coconut Grove Native '59...
Coconut Grove Native '59...

Udonis Haslem has ALWAYS been my main man on The Heat...!! Yeah, I know, Wade & LBJ are awesome, but like Udonis, I'm a local boy and when Udonis plays, he plays for OUR Hometown...!! Welcome Back, my Brother, Welcome Back, we knew you'd make the series into something to remember!  See ya' in The Finals...


After reading the comments for Game 1, I think it's totally justified.  


 jesus, just like miami. can't you do anything without being cocky douches?


lmao. someone's mad. don't take thing's so seriously, this article was dripping in sarcasm.

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