Dick Pic Nation: Weiner, Favre, and the Death of the American Sex Scandal

By Rich Abdill Tue., Jun. 7 2011 at 3:18 PM

Categories: Flotsam, Politicks, Twitter Mafia

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House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer: "What the HELL is a Twitter?"

Welp, it's official -- the Honorable Dong from New York's 9th District is "Weiner" by both name and hobby. Democratic Rep. Anthony Weiner admitted yesterday that he did indeed tweet a picture of his stiffy to the entire Internet last week. There were also gross, awkwardly muscly pictures sent to various women he met through Facebook and Twitter.

Weiner's fate is still an evolving situation, but Democratic leadership has not yet issued a statement on whether they support congressmen disseminating semi-nude photographs of themselves.

Unless, of course, you're Illinois Rep. Aaron Schock. Then they're totally OK with it:

Why yes, he is a deputy whip.

But Weiner is not an unmarried, 29-year-old studmuffin from the Midwest. He is 46, and he is married, and his sex scandal sucks.

There are 535 members of Congress. Is a cell-phone photo of an old man's junk REALLY the best sex scandal they could, ahem, pull off? Weiner's actions embarrassed a lot of people, including his family and Congress. This is a Bad Thing. But what happened to real sex scandals? Like, with sex?

Even the founding fathers managed to get more action than Weiner -- Alexander Hamilton, the first secretary of the treasury, was accused by a man in the late 1790s of improper real estate dealings. Hamilton, being a magnificent dueling bastard, responded by publishing a pamphlet that said "the charge against me is a connection with one James Reynolds for ... improper pecuniary speculation. My real crime is an amorous connection with his wife."

BOOM. That's how you have a sex scandal. Not tweeting pictures of your hairless chest like Weiner, not going on Craigslist to look for dates like former N.Y. Rep. Chris Lee, and certainly not playing men's-room footsie with an undercover cop like former Singing Senator Larry Craig. Lee and Craig resigned, and Weiner could very well be next -- all of them under evidence of "being creepy" instead of "getting laid," like the red-blooded American lechers of yore.

An FBI report suggests President John F. Kennedy had "sex parties" with the Rat Pack, Marilyn Monroe and a bunch of his siblings while he was in the Senate. FDR had a woman on the side for 30 years -- the man was crippled by polio and was president of the United States and he still managed to be less of an embarrassment than these guys.

Now, we've got Brett Favre sexting massage therapists. The sauciest scandal lately has been from Tiger Woods. The most scandalous American athlete plays GOLF, a game most people play after they're too old and lame to play a sport. This is disgraceful to the notion of disgrace.

It's also baffling -- a professional football player and multiple members of the most powerful governing body in the country get busted and the best move they could come up with is "heh, look at this. You like it? I use it to pee."

Come on, politicians. You used to be suave in your disgusting shittiness. Sex scandals used to be an American tradition. Now the Italian prime minister is having "bunga bunga" parties with models and underage bellydancers while you're sending stupid Facebook messages to blackjack dealers. You're embarrassing your country and breaking your family's hearts either way -- why not get creative?

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