Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks NBA Finals Game 5: On The Brink

Categories: Sports
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​After the giant mound of ostrich shit that was LeBron James' 8-point performance from Game 4, he called Game 5 the biggest of his career. The world then waited for LeBron to come out in Game 5 and serve the Mavericks a can filled with ass whoopin'. Instead, Heat fans got served a can filled with some old lady's diarrhea.

The Mavericks offense absolutely blew up, won the game 112-103 and are now a win away from having America hold the world's largest circle jerk party to celebrate their unified irrational hatred for a professional basketball team.

James called Game 5 "the now or never" game. A better description would probably be "the ass taco" game thanks mainly to his once again disappearing in the fourth quarter. And now D-Wade will be playing the remainder of the series with a bum hip. Ass tacos for everyone! Weeeeeee!!!

Other observations from the fuckhole of a Game 5:

- Only two trips to the free throw line all night, and yet another fourth quarter shitfest (1-for-4) from LeBron. Those pointing out his 17 points, 10 rebound, 10 assist stat line can blow their triple-double talk out their assholes.

- An Eddie House appearance? It's official. James Jones was mauled by a cougar.

- I passed out and woke up moaning in a ditch just after Dwyane Wade went down with that hip injury and disappeared into the locker room with the entire Heat medical staff.

- The back of Jason Kidd's head looks like a pig's vagina.

- Even with a blowed up hip, D-Wade still managed to drop 23 points on 6-of-12 shooting. That's just flat out awesomeness combined with pure badassery.

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- Dallas shot 66 percent from the field in the first half, and 68 percent from three point range for the game (13-of-19). This kind of performance was expected from the Mavs sometime this series. Which is further proof that those Game 2 and Game 4 fourth quarter meltdowns by the Heat are the sudden finger in our collective asshole.

- Upon further review, head-referee Joey Crawford blew a major call when he whistled LeBron for charging on Tyson Chandler with 2:28 remaining in the game. The correct call would have given LeBron the and-1 and a potential three-point play. Instead, the ball went to the Mavs, and they won the game thanks mostly to that horrendous call. Joey Crawford needs to be harpooned in the dick.

- The Heat seemed to find its offensive rhythm when it started executing pick and rolls in the fourth quarter. Then they reverted back to their usual "hero shot" bullshit where they heave shots from 25 feet away instead of driving it to the basket. Shit has done them in time and time again in this series.

- Fuck Jason Terry in the chaps with a curling iron.

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- J.J. Barea went 4-for-5 from three-point range, scoring 17 on the night. What a little asshole.

- Again, Heat "fan." If you're going to fork over half a grand for lower bowl seats for Game 6, have the common fucking courtesy to shout and cheer and make noise. No one gives a good fuck that you're two seats away from Lil Wayne. Cheer, Goddamit. Or give your seats up to the real fans who have to suffer the scorn from the likes of that shithole Charles Barkely, who calls Miami the worst fans, thanks to you. It's not a party. It's a basketball game. Act accordingly, or crash your gold plated hovercraft and die in a fire.

- It's literally easier for you to shit a diamond out of your dick than to get a good game from Mike Bibby at this point. So why is he still starting? Why not start Mario Chalmers and bring Bibby in off the bench? That's right. Bibby's game has gotten so atrocious, we're begging for Mario Chalmers. Holy fucknuggets.



- So now the Heat travel back to Miami down 3-2. Teams down 3-2 in the NBA Finals with last 2 games at home are 3-4. The 1988 Lakers, 1994 Rockets, and 2010 Lakers all did what the Heat will now have to do to be champs.


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Must-win Game 6 is in Miami on Sunday at the American Airlines Arena. Tip-off is at 8 p.m.

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37 comments
Gary in Houston
Gary in Houston

Guess the 2011 Heat are not the " 1988 Lakers, 1994 Rockets, and 2010 Lakers "?

Chris Joseph Fuck!
Chris Joseph Fuck!

Miami Heat is LOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!They are sooo boastful!!!!They think that Mavs is an easy team.

Also Chris Joseph is a LOOOOOSSSSSSSEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!! fUCK you Chris!Damn your team!

Sandy
Sandy

 I really enjoyed this article.  I must say I'm neither a Heat or Mav fan...but the games have been exciting to watch.  This Sunday should be an all out try by the Heat.   May the best team win!  

BALFlames
BALFlames

all we did for the past 3 games was play the refs and we won one of those games. If we dont give the mavs a chance to come back again we will take the series. afterall its gonna be funny hearing that terrry is gonna get his tat removed after these games are over

Nick Ocheltree
Nick Ocheltree

This was the funniest take on the series I've ever read. Finally a Heat fan with some real comedic carthasis in response to his team's losses.  Mavs will take it in 7.

Harris
Harris

I'm probably asking a lot here, but I would also appreciate it if, god forbid, the Heat are losing badly in the fourth quarter of game 6 or 7, that they stay until the game is over.  You don't have to stick around for the trophy ceremony, but IMO staying with the team until the very end will show asshats like Barkley that the Heat have real fans.  

whoady
whoady

im suprised heat fans arent really commenting about this right now. they must still be in shock that theres a 73% chance they lose this series being down 3-2. where are all the people that said heat in 6, heat in 6?

Longwang07
Longwang07

As a fan from Dallas, I have to admit....this is some funny shit. That article made a me laugh my ass off. But don't worry fellas! The Mavs can only win Finals games in sporting centers sponsored by American Airlines! You'll be fine!

whoady
whoady

well i wouldnt put it like that. gotta admit, wade and bosh, even chalmers have done there part, but they just cant hold the mavs down. mavs play smart, they pace themselves throughout the game, keeping the game as close as possible, and when the heat are all wore out by the 4th and the mavs have barely broken a sweat, thats when the real beating starts. thats smart basketball.

Anastasia Rob
Anastasia Rob

What garbage of an article!  I can't believe this poorly written trash gets published for people to ready.  Go back to school Chris Joseph and come back when you can think of better words than "ass taco" or "badassery," you fucking dumb ass.

Bigboy33
Bigboy33

FUCK THE HEAT BITCH. THE HEAT WENT AND STACK THERE TEAM AND STILL ON THE BOTTOM. AND EVERYBODY WHO IS GOING FOR THE HEAT SUCK A DICK AND DIE SLOW

whoady
whoady

this is what the heat fans get for underestimating the mavs. this isnt the same team from 2006. they came to win and they are going to. all i saw before the finals started was heat in 5, heat in 6, even heat in 4. now i just almost feel sorry for heat fans...... almost.

James Jones Barea
James Jones Barea

They needed James Jones to work the concession stand because Snooki didn't show up...

whoady
whoady

what the fuck? really? j.j is an asshole cause the dumbass heat couldnt defend him? fuck jason terry? why, cause he couldnt be stopped? talkin all this bs about the mavs just cause the heat cant close out the 4th quarters. you should be talking shit about the heat and not the mavs. maybe the heat should come back later on to the finals when they are actually ready. stop your crying and writing this shit just cause your shitty ass heat cant produce when it counts and the mavs can. i believe dallas did this on purpose, lose 1 at home so they can murder the heat in there own court so everyone can see how sorry they are, specially lebron. your gonna be in some dissapointment when dallas takes the finals, its nowitzki's turn for the title, hes an unstoppable force thats not gonna let this get away from him this time. be prepared for some hurt in miami you douche.

ShutYourTwitterUp
ShutYourTwitterUp

"J.J. Barea went 4-for-5 from three-point range, scoring 17 on the night. What a little asshole."lmaoo!!!Glad they're coming home!!!!!!GO HEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P_Nis
P_Nis

We need to maul the MF Cardinal when he gets down here.

whoady
whoady

nope. im glad the mavs won in miami. that way all the heat fans can walk out in shame that the heat got beat down at home.

whoady
whoady

thats whats up. dont under estimate the mavs, they put it on the heats ass. they won by 10 and nowitzki had a very bad night until the 4th. the heat need to grow up. that shows that the young and the fast cant beat the mature and experienced. mavs had a team effort, the heat played for themselves, very selfishly. so much for the team everyone said would be eliminated by portland, shows how much the mavs have come together as a team.

also, whats up with lebron and wade mocking dirk when he was sick? lol, dont make fun of the opposing team if you dont have what it takes to back it up.

whoady
whoady

as i like knowing they are gonna win, i rather them just put them out on sunday. dont leave any chances. dirk needs to be in his best performance ever. Terry said, "we gonna get this next one". i hope they do.

whoady
whoady

but dont worry, even if the fans dont leave, barkley will always be an asshat. he always thought he was the best back in the day and yet never got a ring on that finger.

whoady
whoady

i really doubt they will stay. most of them leave if theres no hope just to beat the traffic.

Chris Joseph
Chris Joseph

I'll be sure I write something better for you to ready next time.

Stillthegoat
Stillthegoat

"Published for people to ready? Go back to school"? Wow aren't you the village fucking idiot I love people who try to act like they are above others intellectually, and then they insert their pussies in their mouth.

MrNiceGuy
MrNiceGuy

All the way at the bottom!! In the NBA finals... Ignorant! I bet you like soulja boy too.

ShutYourTwitterUp
ShutYourTwitterUp

Don't. We're having a great time. It's been a really good series so far!

CV
CV

give it a try! whoever does will get broken in half like D-bag, I mean D-Wade...

whoady
whoady

that im 100% with you. its been very exciting to watch. at points i felt the mavs were gonna give me a heart attack and then they pull through.

whoady
whoady

no, its called being a douche. why would someone write this? cause you're team is being dominated by a much older and slower group? lol, thats to damn funny. well, its free speech and i can respect that, to each his own. maybe the heat can regroup and come back with a plan of action for next season cause this one is over for them, no way they are taking this from the mavs.

whoady
whoady

awwwwwwww...... sorry but no game 7.

Justin Abram
Justin Abram

bold prediction saying its over. with our backs against the wall coming into our home, you think the mavs are just gonna take it like that? yea they already took one on our court, but the situation was much different. its gonna go to game 7.

 if you really think a team lost a game on purpose, you're an idiot. especially to lose one at home to win on the road. yea nothing is sweeter than winning the finals and nobody cheering for you. 

and the article is a joke, obvious nobody is gonna call someone an asshole just because they're good at basketball. 

cancan
cancan

*your, not you're*too, not to*hurt much?

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