Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks NBA Finals Game 6: Kaput

Categories: Sports
lebron wade game 6.jpg
​After winning Game 6 105-95, the Dallas Mavericks are NBA champions. Meanwhile, the Miami Heat is left with a shitload of questions, LeBron James will continue to be haunted by his finals failure, and Heat fans everywhere are walking around feeling like their favorite uncle just placed his wiener next to their mouth.

All the while, the whole of America is happily celebrating a convicted wife-beater while enjoying the failure of a guy who chose to work in another city other than Cleveland. Yay, sports!

So, what the fuck?

Here's what the fuck:

In Hindsight, It Wasn't a Very Good Idea to Surround the Big Three With a Bunch of Dead Guys

- Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Juwan Howard, Mike Bibby, and Jamal Magloire, to name a few. No matter how young, talented, and dynamic your three stars are, you'll fall short of a title when the guys coming off the bench look like the zombies from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video.

- No other team in the NBA would've signed the likes of Big Z and Howard. If not for Pat Riley's penchant for old dudes, those guys would've been at home like the rest of us, watching the NBA Finals with a cereal bowl full of Funyuns and ordering pajama jeans at 3 a.m.

bench.jpg
You suck. You suck. You're cool. Just kidding, you suck too...
- Dallas had guys coming off the bench who could drain threes and gave the Mavs energy while their starters rested. They moved the ball proficiently and knocked down just about every open look given them. They had guys whose game resembles a Formula One racecar. The Heat had guys coming off the bench whose game resembles a full-body dry heave.

- Next season's roster makeover is pretty simple: Keep Udonis Haslem, Mike Miller, and maybe Mario Chalmers. Everyone else gets their pink slip stapled to their scrotum.

- Second order of business for Erik Spoelstra for next season: LEARN TO FUCKING COACH AROUND A SIMPLE ZONE DEFENSE!

Let's Everybody Overanalyze What Happened to LeBron!1!1!!!

- Might as well shut off ESPN and sports talk radio for the next six to eight weeks, because all you're gonna get is an amalgam of conjecture and unexpected fecal release from the mouths of analysts and commentators about what happened to LeBron James. You're also going to get the occasional "trade one of the Big Three for Dwight Howard" rants from fans and radio hosts alike. These people should be mouth-raped by a horse.

- We went from seeing LeBron demolishing the previous Eastern Conference Champion Boston Celtics, and teabagging the number-one-defense Chicago Bulls, to totally shitting his pantaloons against the Mavericks in the finals. Could LeBron James have the Benjamin Button disease? Or could it be that he logged in enough minutes during the season to kill a mule? Spoelstra does not give a Filipino shit about resting his best player!

- Get ready for assloads of articles such as this gem from Adrian Wojnarowski, who, before the season started, was a pretty intelligent impartial columnist for Yahoo Sports. But after The Decision, Woj became consumed by his dislike for LeBron and basically turned into Skip Bayless without the leathery face. Only Dirk truly knows the purity and chastity of winning a title! And even if LeBron wins several, he'll never truly know what it feels like to want it more! What is that fuckery, Adrian Wojnarowski?

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​​- Asked about the haters after the game, LeBron responded, "At the end of the day, all of the people that were rooting for me to fail, tomorrow they'll have to wake up and have the same life that [they had] before they woke up today. They got the same personal problems they had today, and I'm going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do."

LeBron's new website is www.idontfiveafuck/eatmydick.net.

Dallas Was Just Better

- Deeper bench, sharp shooters, and a giant German caveman-looking motherfucker on a mission. The Mavericks were simply an avalanche of basketball that deserve the title, despite that dipshit Mark Cuban.

- Again, the minute you call for Juwan Howard to come off the bench while the other team has Jason Terry and DeShawn Stevenson coming off theirs, you're fucked in the face.

Enjoy Now, Haters

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- While you think of something clever and witty and earth-shattering to say in the comments, understand this: This Miami Heat team was not a one-shot deal. LeBron is 26, D-Wade is 29, and Bosh is 27. This was their first year trying to figure shit out together, and they almost pulled it off. It's only their first year.

- The Heat was two wins away from winning the NBA championship with a thumbless Mike Miller, a disheveled Udonis Haslem, and Juwan FUCKING Howard coming off the bench. Haters everywhere should be afraid. Because this is the worst this Heat team will ever be. Sure, we Heat fans are all suffering from night terrors thanks to our inner clocks being all fucked up because the NBA Finals end at roughly 4 in the morning every night. But we fully expect and welcome more late June basketball for the Miami Heat in the coming years.

Until then, congrats to the Dallas Mavericks and to the Miami Heat Dick Biters Brigade the world over!

Also, fuck you all in the pants.

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38 comments
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saddam
saddam

You asshole.. what's with the Filipino Shit anyway? does your shit smell/taste better?

Shawannashawanda
Shawannashawanda

yeah mami just mad cause dallas beat them now they are mad as he** so wht they won and i love that so mami can kiss dallas all the to therre u know what

Fieryeyes_havlicek
Fieryeyes_havlicek

Eat my DIRK !!! Lebron LeChoke what the fuck? Cavs was swept away by Shaq-less Lakers 4-0 in the past if you would analyze things when he was still in Cavs. At the crunchtime OVERHYPED LEBRON could not deliver his shits. Stop watching Lebron doing the distant basket hits...it is only for youtube purposes. As for Chris Bosh what the fuck, man? Michael Jordan doesn't have guys with big numbers inside their pants. Fuck with the so called "Big 3" there is no fuckin big 3 that could win championship just like that. A bunch of regular players that could work as a team has a higher percentage to win a championship rather than pussy Big 3. It is about role of individuals.

Pussy Ass niggah !   Long Live Dallas Mavericks !!! - from the Philippines.

Lgreen809
Lgreen809

I correct myself the mavericks were up 3 games to 2But i think you get my point

Lgreen809
Lgreen809

Give the Mavericks some freakin credit that beat the so called big three that couldnt be beat.you have Macys printing t-shirts, hats etc with miami be the nba champs and miami was down 3 games to 1 anit that some shhhhhhhhhh

Lgreen809
Lgreen809

people trying to compare Lebron to Micheal Jordan what a freaking joke, they continue allow this bum put himself on a throne that hasnt earned. I am from Chicago,Scottiie Pippenlost his dam mind

Lgreen809
Lgreen809

Thats right the heat choke dwayne wade lost some class when he let that bum jamesjoin him now he whinns on every possesion weak ass chump he lost his chicago stones

Oswaldouzcategui
Oswaldouzcategui

LeBron james can go eat a dick. Send them to Twist so he can get dunkey punch.

adam
adam

LOL. I love your article. I am a MAVS fan but I know your team has a great future. Best of luck and fuck you back in the pants too. LOL.

Adrian
Adrian

Chris: Stop whining and take it like a man. Lebron and Wade choked. Any one of them could easily carry the team to a win. They just did not want to.

Geoffy1466
Geoffy1466

How many cities will Lebron promise a ring too and not deliver?

Davebroadhead
Davebroadhead

Fuck ya. I love what you've said and I full heartedly agree. Fuck all the haters. Miami kicked everyone's ass except for dallas. I still font believe what happened in the last two or three games. Total team breakdown. I'm still a fan and I welcome some changes to the roster that will better support the big three. Looked to me like the team stopped believing they could best Dallas and win the championship after game four. Like someone flipped a switch or paid people off. Lord knows the refs were. Next year GO HEAT!!! Fuck ya!

Bestpossible429
Bestpossible429

EXCELLENT BLOG!!!!!!  Love this shit, real talk all the way through!

Bobbee1951
Bobbee1951

Scotty Pippin looks like an idiot now and LeBron will never be the player Wade is.Heat fans are now saying, wait until next year,  becareful what you wish for.  As we saw this year, there is no guarantee.  Its nice to see at least this year, you cant always buy a championship. 

asdf
asdf

You're missing a key point as to why people have such a problem with the Heat. Honestly, I really liked Lebron James before he went to Miami and the reason I dislike him has nothing to do with the fact that he left Cleveland and went to Miami. Nothing. It has everything to do with the way he did it and how he, Wade, and Bosh celebrated for hours about how great they all are and how they're going to be a dynasty and win more than 7 rings blah blah blah. Sweet guys. Shit like that only alienates people (making fun of Dirk by coughing in game 5? How about you focus instead on winning the game). The inability of this team to close and win the finals was only brought upon them by their better-than-thou attitudes. James deserves the criticism because of the way he has acted. If you're gonna talk a big game, back that shit up.

CharlesDarwin
CharlesDarwin

Bunch of street thugs get schooled by a grind it out Aryan fellow. Score one for genetics.

atl236136
atl236136

This was good for a laugh, but one thing bugs me:  the reason Lebron is put under a microscope is because of his considerable talents.  If you have that much raw ability and receive all the kudos for it, you're also going to get the bulk of the scorn when you underperform.  Maybe by becoming part of a "big three" (or "two and a half men" if you're so inclined), he thought he could dilute that.  He was wrong.  But that's not disrespect, that's respecting how good he IS when he's playing at his best.  And he wasn't anywhere near his best in this final.

EllieEllieEllie_9
EllieEllieEllie_9

Much needed comic relief. I did one of those, you know, laughing/sobbing things. 

Still though, GO HEAT!!! 

Jdude
Jdude

my choots! both teams are awesome. chooots chooties chot choootsss

Darby
Darby

Dude, both Wade and Labron made some seriously crappy moves last night. What the hell was that kick ball Wade? Haslem and Bosh played great, but the rest of the team looked like the 1986 LA Clippers. Absolutely pathetic. 

Stymie26
Stymie26

Hey Le-Brun...even tho "At the end of the day, all of the people that were rooting for me to fail, tomorrow they'll have to wake up and have the same life that [they had] before they woke up today. They got the same personal problems they had today and I'm going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do."

Well at the end of the day you will still wake up tomorrow knowing that you've lost your 2nd NBA Title!!

J.J.
J.J.

nice article if they do get dwight then they have a offence and defence that is great plus dwight can provide a great offensive output and the best defensive output in the nba but they have to trade bosh and someone else for him but I highly doubt the heat will get him I just don't want him to go to the lakers.

NO 6 RINGS FOR KOBE. ONLY JORDAN CAN HAVE THEM

Storm_71
Storm_71

It's ok maybe the Heat can still have a post season celebration proclaiming themselves next years champions. Or maybe Queen James that arrogant prick canjust take his talents to the golf course for awhile.

Ace
Ace

Jeez....what a cry baby

jbattle
jbattle

Chris Joseph. Go eat a dick! Your nigs choked so quit your whining. You guys got out-played in EVERY aspect, so why don't you throw some credit Dallas' way instead of making excuses for your cock choking team.

Bella
Bella

Funny how before yesterday everyone was SURE that the heat had it in the bag. Like anyone who didn't believe in "the Chosen one" was crazy. Now it's "wait till next year haters". LMAO! Awww don't cry :'(

GUEST
GUEST

What do you want us to about Macy's ?! Like we wanted to see the ad after our team got their asses kicked! lol! Of course we give them credit!! They were just better over all these finals. But don't think we're just gonna join the Lebron hate because he's still  on the heat and I still love my team!

Chris Joseph
Chris Joseph

Thanks! Genuinely glad for Dirk. And enjoy... take it all in... it's sweet being a champ! 

::goes back and plays 2006 season DVD on a loop::

Chris Joseph
Chris Joseph

Not sure where you get that I'm whining. 

But... uh... ok.

Chris Joseph
Chris Joseph

Team payrolls: Dallas $90 million, Miami $66 million.

EllieEllieEllie_9
EllieEllieEllie_9

Yes, fans usually say that when their team loses. Contrary to popular belief there are some real Heat fans down here who say the same thing every year. 

Chris Joseph
Chris Joseph

Good points.

One thing should be noted though: the coughing incident was more about ripping the media's hyperbole than ripping Dirk. But because it's those guys doing it, it got massively misinterpreted.

Otherwise, I see what you're saying. 

EllieEllieEllie_9
EllieEllieEllie_9

HOW MANY TIMES DOES HE HAVE TO SAY IT?!!? He already said they played better. Can't believe you made me come out of my corner and wipe my tears to type that :( lol

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