Red State Activists Call For End to the Entire City of Miami Beach

Categories: Flotsam
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In reaction to the last 30 years of crime, drug trafficking and sexual provocativeness within the City of Miami Beach, a coalition of good, white Christian activists from a collection of Red States plan to send a letter today to local, state and federal leaders demanding that the entire city be banned.

"We won a trip on a radio station to Miami Beach in February and were forced to spend four days in that hell hole," said Bison, Kansas resident Dorothy Lewis, who is spearheading the call to ban the entirety of Miami Beach along with her husband George. "The things we witnessed there were just plan un-American."

All involved with the call to ban Miami Beach were uninformed of the recent incidents that occurred during Memorial Day Weekend. Many shrugged it off as sounding like just a normal weekend for the city.

"Miami Beach is like a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah," said Dewey, Oklahoma resident Tom Ridgeford, who joined in with calls to ban Miami Beach after remembering the terrible week he spent here in November of 1992. "I follow the Bible pretty closely. Obviously, we can't bring down fire and brimstone, but we can ban it."

Citing years of heightened crime, the general rudeness of its residents, an open sexual attitude and what more than one anti-Miami Beach activist called "all those different type of brown folks," the grassroots group hopes to convince Miami-Dade County, the state of Florida and the United States government to jointly agree to ban the city by cutting off all funding and potentially sinking it back into the Atlantic Ocean.

When informed that "banning" a city may actually be impossible, many of the activists offered alternatives. One suggested the entire city be replaced completely by a giant soft jazz club. Some suggested a citywide 6 p.m. curfew. Another suggested moving a different city, like Scibner, Nebraska, in to Miami Beach's place, thus discouraging regular residents from staying. Yet another suggested moving Miami Beach to Europe.

"Sure, Miami Beach may bring in billions of dollars in tourism and tax dollars to our county, but at what cost in the long run?" asked Lewis. "How much money do we spend trying to fight the cocaine that comes in through there? Plus, hand to god, they let women parade around on the beach topless. I mean, I've never in all my life seen such shenanigans compared to what goes on there during a normal day."

Lewis, like many in the group she assembled, was unaware of the events surrounding Urban Beach Weekend, and many local residents' calls to ban the "event" -- which is mainly characterized by a bunch of young African-Americans deciding to vacation in the same city during Memorial Day Weekend and not so much of an organized event.

"Well, that doesn't seem all that different from the weekend I was there," said Lewis. "I still saw lots of sex, drugs, violence and crime."

"People who live in Miami Beach complaining about unruly partying? That's rich," added her husband George. "That's like moving to Wisconsin and complaining that there's too much cheese during Dairy Week."

Shown the letter calling for an end to Urban Beach Week hastily written by Herb Sosa, president of Unity Coalition, Miami-Dade County's largest Hispanic gay-rights group, both Mr. and Mrs. Lewis seemed more concerned that Miami Beach even has a Hispanic gay-rights group.

Most activists aligned with the cause said that they were not racist or bigoted, even though many of their comments and remarks on their Facebook and Twitter accounts used derogatory language, and also made anonymous comments on newspaper articles using racial slurs.

"Listen, I'm the least racist person you'll meet, but when you get all those Latinos, blacks, gays, Jews, and liberals together in a place where cocaine, alcohol, and spandex reigns free you're bound to have some trouble," said Mr. Ridgeford. "I say we don't even try to address the problems down there. Enough if enough. America has put up with almost 100 years of Miami Beach's shit. It's time we just ban it all together."

Note: Yes, just to clarify, this post is a joke.  

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20 comments
Jon from South Beach
Jon from South Beach

People were killed on Memorial Day weekend due to the annual "festivities" that bring violence to our beach every year.  You may make fun of the fact that the residents are tired of having to leave town or stay indoors to avoid gunshots every year, but I highly doubt you'd want it in your neighborhood.

Boxcarwillie
Boxcarwillie

The worst part about this post is that it isn't funny.

Ever notice the only acceptable form of bigotry is apparently against white christians?

Ace Greene
Ace Greene

Did she misspell "plain un-American" when she said it?

Mary Bosch-Cicala
Mary Bosch-Cicala

this has got to be the stupidest thing i've ever read. but then again what do i know i grew up in miami beach. lol

White wimmins!
White wimmins!

What are the "progressives" going to do when no one trembles anymore at the thought of being called a "racist"? It is their only weapon! Wake up to reality. Reality is racist. Nature itself is completely racist from top to bottom. Absolutely everything about animal life on Earth is "racist". Face the cold hard facts of life, you fact-denying, evolution-denying "progressive" faith-based religious fanatics! 

White wimmins!
White wimmins!

What are the "progressives" going to do when no one trembles anymore at the thought of being called a "racist"?  

It is their only weapon!

Wake up to reality.  Reality is racist.  Nature itself is completely racist from top to bottom.  Absolutely everything about animal life on Earth is "racist".  Face the cold hard facts of life, you fact-denying "progressive" faith-based religious fanatics!

---------------------------------

Let's look at some stats in Atlanta Georgia and compare them to Portland Oregon.

According to city-data.com Atlanta's population is 540,921. Atlanta had 110 murders in 2006.

http://atlanta.areaconnect.com...----

Now let's check out Portland, OR with a population of 566,141. Portland had 20 murders in 2006.Portland crime stats for 2006:http://www.areaconnect.com/cri...---Portland = 76% white, only about 7% blackAtlanta = 31% white, 61% black.------How about New York City?

http://projects.nytimes.com/cr...

New York Times - New York City Interactive Homicide Map:

Blacks = 60% of the killers, 60% of the victims

Whites = 7% of the killers, 8% of the victims

Blacks = 26% of NYC populationWhites = 35% of NYC population------

What about the white liberal "progressive" paradise of Seattle (only 8% black in total)?

Logically, black males make up only 3% of Seattle. Guess what! Over half of all murders in Seattle are committed black males (14 of the 28 in 2008, 12 of the 21 in 2009, & 7 of the 17 in 2010--most of the other homicides in Seattle that were committed by non-blacks in those years were committed by latinos and asians). See the Seattle Post-Intelligencer's annual year-end homicide tally articles for in-depth articles about every homicide in super-liberal whitey-white Seattle and "MLK County" (LOL).

----

Perhaps you should check out the Los Angeles Homicide Blog once in a while, it is quite an eye-opener, they report the race of victims and also the killers whenever possible!http://projects.latimes.com/ho...

------

What does the US Government say?

According to the US Department of Justice and the FBI, approximately 5,000 to 8,000 black people are murdered in the USA every year, and at least 94% of their murderers are also black.

http://www2.fbi.gov/ucr/cius20...

Murders in the USA in 2009

White murderers = 5,286 (33.5% of the murderers in the USA in 2009)

Black murderers = 5,890 (37.4% of the murderers in the USA in 2009)

Now I know most of you naive liberals probably think the USA is something like 50% white and 50% black, because that is what you see portrayed on tv shows and advertisements, but the reality is that the USA is about 75% white and only about 13% black.

This means that blacks commit murder at a rate of about 5 to 7 times the rate that whites commit murder, depending on the year.

What it also means is that "racists" like me have absolutely no need to "oppress" blacks or to "keep blacks down".  THEY DO AN AWESOME JOB OF THAT ALL BY THEMSELVES!

Be aware that the FBI and USDOJ count non-white Mestizos (the ethnic term for most of the "Mexicans" or "Latinos" or "Hispanics" in the USA) as being WHITE in the "Offender" category (but not in the "Victim" category for some reason), which unfairly raises the reported "white crime rate" much higher than it actually is.Almost every Police Department in the USA also do the same thing.Just about every state and local agency does this. Here are some examples from Washington state. Do this guy "GERONIMO RIOS  RAMIREZ" listed with the Yakima County Sherrif's Office Sex Offender page look white to you???http://tinyurl.com/2e8q5nbNope, he is not white, you liberals would call him a "person of color"!Search for yourself:http://www.icrimewatch.net/ind...The Washington State Patrol does the exact same thing. Go to their "Most Wanted" page and check out all the amazing diversity there! Then click on one of the brown, non-white latino mexican whatevers. THEY ARE CLASSIFIED AS BEING "WHITE"!http://www.wsp.wa.gov/crime/wa...How about Texas, where all the rednecks live?Go look at the Texas Sex Offender Registry:https://records.txdps.state.tx...Search by any zip code (75214 or 75247 is a good start) you choose and choose a sex offender with an obviously Spanish name and look at his photo and compare it with his racial classification. Notice anything funny??? The sex offender is classified as "white" even though he is a brown, non-white, "latino/hispanic/chicano/mestizo/choose your favorite politically-correct term" "person of color", and OBVIOUSLY NOT a white guy.Well over half of all the so-called "white" sex offenders listed there ARE NOT ACTUALLY WHITE AT ALL but are the kind of people that white liberals love to call "people of color".This unfair and inaccurate classification of non-whites as being "white" wrongly inflates the "white crime rate", especially "white sex offender rate" FAR HIGHER than it actually is in reality.

CG
CG

Clever! Funny, thanks for that :)

Cheryl Oxsalida
Cheryl Oxsalida

Hey! If someone doesn't like Miami Beach, then don't come here! We've got more snowbirds, Europeans and everything else, we don't need bigots, too! The mid-west is known for having the most meth labs in the country.....ban the mid-west! Most of the half-naked people, drug users, etc....are TOURISTS! Not residents of this beautiful city!

Will Spencer
Will Spencer

These insipid joke posts have really gotten old.  You are not The Onion.

Fred
Fred

Cocaine, alcohol and spandex! Where do I sign up?

Jesse Pupparo
Jesse Pupparo

"Yes, just to clarify, this post is a joke." New times should end every article they write this way, the whole paper is a joke.

Cjfrankel
Cjfrankel

how about no bible thumpers allowed on miami beach?,  oh and it's very christian to wish "fire and brimstone" down onto innocent living beings, wait a minute that's not christian at all

ConservativesRnotChristians
ConservativesRnotChristians

These people are not christian or American, if they were either they would know as christians they should not judge less they be judged and to turn the other cheek, as Americans they should understand what liberty and freedom means. Sadly their ignorant mindset has become the American christian culture, and their voice gives a bad name to both their religion and their country. It is sad when one person thinks they have the right to ban the choices of others based solely on their opinion of morality.As a resident of Miami Beach I think we should ban ignorant bigots from ever coming here.Stay in your little white community in your bubble of ignorance and intolerance, but understand the rest of the world also judges you and know this there are christians in the city of Miami Beach, real christians - you know they actually live by christ's teachings instead of the hate filled dogma that has become the american christian culture, also there are orthodox jews living here, as well as a few muslims. So keep your intolerance and ignorance to yourself and if you don't like it don't come back. I really don't think we will miss some bigot white rednecks riding around on their holy high horses.

Javicho21
Javicho21

shootouts in the street are not cool.  our city looking like new orleans *every-single-time* urban weekend happens is not cool.  while the satire in your article does ring true I say something needs to happen.  we can't force people to be classy and behave but at least we can make them go to bed or go to jail

Mistrwrong
Mistrwrong

There is to much cheese in Wisconsin, and it needs to be stopped now!

MiamiNerd
MiamiNerd

That is why us libertarians HATE getting grouped together with the churchies. If the Republican Party would get out of the social instruction business, they would never lose an election.

JG
JG

Not clever.

Jose D. Duran
Jose D. Duran

Not enough of a joke apparently that you feel the need to visit us. Thanks for the pageview, you've fed me for another week :)

muslimteaparty
muslimteaparty

You're right, because the total destruction of Sodom and Ghomorra is more of a Hebrew thing :-)

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