Suggested Curriculum for Miami's 2012 Porn Summit

xbiz summit.jpg
Nobody tell these guys about's video search.
​Pornographers of Miami: Order more business cards.

The XBIZ Summit -- partially sponsored this year by the "PussyCash Affiliate Network" -- is an annual three-day networking event for "online adult business professionals," and it's headed for the city next summer, according to adult industry news site

This year's summit was held in Chicago over the weekend and featured a startlingly professional schedule of events: marketing on Facebook and Twitter, the "changing face of online adult content," and a seminar on providing adult content to smartphone users that I wish I had gone to, all capped off with a party hosted by celebrity nudity website Mr. Skin.

This year's curriculum looks lovely, but Riptide has a few suggestions for next year's course catalog:

Hybrid Vans: Sexing Hitchhikers The Eco-Friendly Way
Everybody likes picking up women on the side of the road and doing fun and respectful things to her, but who wants to spend all that money on GAS? Fuel should be the last thing you're pumping on the road! It's expensive and dangerous to the hottest babe, Mother Earth. Presentation from Toyota about how to get the most bang for your buck.

Writing Realistic Plots, hosted by M. Night Shyamalan
Surprisingly, focus groups report that many audiences struggle to identify with astronauts laying women on top of grand pianos in the middle of the day. Learn how to write plots that speak to people from award-nominated director M. Night Shyamalan, who's built a career on the classic porn paradigm of surprise endings that everyone saw coming.

Breathing Loudly Right Next To The Camera
It's not a porn unless there's a distracting cameraman coughing and sputtering next to the only microphone in the room. Learn how to stake out asthma clinics and footrace finish lines for the best men for the job.

Prerequisite courses: Yelling YEAAAAH, Staring Into The Camera With Sad Lifeless Eyes, Zooming In Really Really Really Close

Also suggested: Industrial Stain Removal, Hiding Bathroom Webcams, and Amateur Photography with Rep. Anthony Weiner.

We'll see you there.

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