The Murderous Miami Heat Drinking Game

drunk urinal.jpg
Note: This log, apparently describing an NBA Finals-themed drinking game played by a group of Miami Heat fans, was discovered late Sunday night. The fate of the heartbroken revelers is not known.

FIRST QUARTER

12:00 -- All right, time for tip-off! Super excited to have all this booze. Keeping my laptop handy to keep track of the entire country rooting against the #Mavs.

11:50 -- Whoa, they're starting Mario Chalmers over Mike Bibby? Interesting move. He's got 34 more points on the series and has been shooting way b--

11:44 -- Air ball. Nevermind. Take a drink, everyone.

10:10 -- LeBron's got five points already! Take a shot people. We're gonna prove the haters wrong.

8:00 -- Suzie pointed out that Rick Carlisle looks like Jim Carrey. Take a shot for Suzie's lack of originality.

5:26 -- BAREA gets an easy layup. Take a shot for the Heat's inability to muster the defense to stop a woodland creature from embarrassing them.

4:10 -- Another shot because Wade let Jason Terry take an easy trey. I think Suzie's starting to feel these shots. Luckily SportsCenter is distracting us with the Mensa-level insights of former Maverick and all-around basketball legend Tim Legler, who started four games in 11 seasons. He doesn't have a Twitter account of his own, but SportsCenter didn't want to deprive us so they just tweeted his crap for him:

"I think tonight is easier for the #Heat. Because of the assumption that if they make it to GM7, they're gonna win."-Tim Legler #NBAFinalsless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply


Oh, good, now we all understand the game better. Also, getting a bit drunk.

2:04 -- Heat do that "throw the ball up as the shot clock is expiring" thing again. Another whiskey, down the hatch.

1:26 -- Eddie House is still playing professional basketball? And he's on the floor? Make yourself a beverage, everyone, but don't drink it. Pour it out in memory of Mike Bibby's career, because it's never coming back. It died in Atlanta a few years ago and no one noticed until just now.

SECOND QUARTER

10:15 -- J.J. Barea just got a rebound. Take a drink, dammit, we're down by nine.

9:42 -- Make that down by 12. Take another drink. Did you know the Tony Awards are on tonight? Sucks for all those Broadway fanatics who are also rabid NBA fans.

9:25 -- Suzie just threw up.

8:00 -- Was that a commercial for the WNBA during the break? No. No don't you dare drink to that, Jim. We'll take a shot for the WNBA when they can survive without the NBA giving them sponsors.

6:32 -- FIGHT. WHAT OH MAN. I bet Spoelstra has a blade. I'd start pushing people if Eddie "Big Balls" House made a three-pointer on me too. Also, I don't get why Jim is so pissed about me spitting tobacco juice onto his rug.

2:40 -- Dirk is one for NINE? Take a drink, idiots. Their star is sucking a big one and we're only winning by one.

THIRD QUARTER

Oh, man. I passed out for like 10 minutes. Woke up to a commercial about some party cruise sponsored by Bud Light. I'm betting it's also sponsored by ketamine and Valtrex. I don't feel good.

6:34 -- Barea is guarding LeBron! Here's his chance to -- oh. Nevermind. LeBron just threw him across the court instead of scoring. Drink.

1:05 -- We've missed HOW many free throws?

IM NOT BELIEVING THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply


I can't hear anymore. So sick. So drunk. Legler, quit it.

"LeBron HAS to be in the game coming out of this timeout" -Tim Legler #NBAFinalsless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply


this isn't fun anymore. capital letters are for winners. wait, it's the 4th quarter?

i think suzies dead

6:08 -- clarence clemons had a stroke. this is the worst nite of my lfie. never drinking again

5:12 -- urghhhh. jim. jim are you ok. jim.

make sure they play billy joel at my funeral

somebody tape sportscent-------



Advertisement

My Voice Nation Help
1 comments

Now Trending

Miami Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...