Ten Things Channing Crowder Can Do Now That He's Retired

Categories: Sports
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After six seasons with the Miami Dolphins, Channing Crowder has announced his retirement from football after being cut from the team last month. Yet Crowder is only 27 and has his entire life in front of him. It's not too late for our favorite Fins loudmouth to find a new passion in life, and we'd hate to see him slouch around doing nothing for the next few decades. So here are ten suggestions for Crowder's post-NFL golden years.
  1. Restaurateur in New England: Channing Crowder's Chowders has a nice ring to it.
  2. High school geography teacher: Oh, wait, this is the guy who once said, "I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that." How about high school geography student?
  3. High school history teacher: Maybe he'd be better at this. Whoops -- actually, he doesn't know the difference between Hellen Keller and Anne Frank: "Stevie Wonder and Anne Frank. Who's the blind girl? Helen Keller, then. I don't know who Anne Frank is. I'm mad right now. I'm not as swift as I usually am." Well, maybe he'd be better at it when he's not mad.
  4. Professional wrestler: He is an athlete, after all, and has more than enough game in the trash-talking arena (see his quote on the 2009 New Orleans Saints: "They're undefeated, they're probably smelling themselves, rubbing each other's balls.") Learning a few suplexes can't be that hard.
  5. College jersey salesman: He's already admitted he has hypothetically dabbled in that profession already.
  6. Brett Favre impersonator: We believe this simply involves announcing your retirement and then unretiring every five minutes or so. Crowder already has the first part down.
  7. Stand-up comic: Look, someone has already imagined what that would be like, and it's not pretty.
  8. Vice president of shit-talking about Rex Ryan: We're not sure this is an actual job, but we wish it were, and who better to fill it than Crowder?
  9. Disney World's Snow White:

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  10. Radio host: Actually, this is the most likely option.

But Crowder says he has his money situation worked out and won't have to worry about doing much work for a while. He also says he'll likely stay in the Miami area and spend time with his family.

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