Ten Things Channing Crowder Can Do Now That He's Retired
- Restaurateur in New England: Channing Crowder's Chowders has a nice ring to it.
- High school geography teacher: Oh, wait, this is the guy who once said, "I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that." How about high school geography student?
- High school history teacher: Maybe he'd be better at this. Whoops -- actually, he doesn't know the difference between Hellen Keller and Anne Frank: "Stevie Wonder and Anne Frank. Who's the blind girl? Helen Keller, then. I don't know who Anne Frank is. I'm mad right now. I'm not as swift as I usually am." Well, maybe he'd be better at it when he's not mad.
- Professional wrestler: He is an athlete, after all, and has more than enough game in the trash-talking arena (see his quote on the 2009 New Orleans Saints: "They're undefeated, they're probably smelling themselves, rubbing each other's balls.") Learning a few suplexes can't be that hard.
- College jersey salesman: He's already admitted he has hypothetically dabbled in that profession already.
- Brett Favre impersonator: We believe this simply involves announcing your retirement and then unretiring every five minutes or so. Crowder already has the first part down.
- Stand-up comic: Look, someone has already imagined what that would be like, and it's not pretty.
- Vice president of shit-talking about Rex Ryan: We're not sure this is an actual job, but we wish it were, and who better to fill it than Crowder?
- Disney World's Snow White:
- Radio host: Actually, this is the most likely option.
But Crowder says he has his money situation worked out and won't have to worry about doing much work for a while. He also says he'll likely stay in the Miami area and spend time with his family.
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.