Miami Dolphins Will Suck Again This Year

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Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke assesses the sad state of Miami's NFL franchise.

While AFC division rivals the New England Patriots and the New York Jets are loading up for Super Bowl runs, the Dolphins are doing their best to suck. When Bill Parcells left the organization last year, team owner Stephen Ross should have thrown out general manager Jeff Ireland and head coach Tony Sparano along with the Big Tuna.

At the end of last season, Ross kept Sparano after he failed to bring in Jim Harbaugh, the ex-Stanford University coach who is now the San Francisco 49ers top man. That was a bad PR and personnel move.

Now as the preseason is set to begin, Ireland and Sparano have been lackadaisical about bringing some excitement to the team. The Dolphins passed on wide receiver Plaxico Burress, who will now be torching Miami as a member of the Jets. New England also reloaded by landing Miami hometown hero Chad Ochocinco to catch balls from Tom Brady.

The Dolphins' biggest move was trading for Reggie Bush, an injury-prone Hollywood diva who is most likely to get robbed at Miami nightclubs. The ex-Mr. Kardashian won't last down here.

Ireland and Sparano knew the top priority was getting a new quarterback, yet they passed on former Tennessee Titan Vince Young and didn't make a serious play for Denver Bronco Kyle Orton. Instead they picked up a couple more unproven passers to challenge Chad Henne, who can't throw the ball to save his life.

It's just more of the same boring personnel moves by the guys who passed on Michael Vick and Randy Moss last year. Pretty much every superstar NFL athlete lives in South Florida during the off-season or at least has a vacation home here. Former University of Miami standout Bryant McKinnie is always telling me that ex-UM players and guys who grew up playing football in the Magic City would love to play for the Dolphins at some point in their careers. Since the Dolphins have offensive line problems, McKinnie is available right now, but they won't go out and get him.

There is no reason the Dolphins should not be making big splashes in the free-agent market. I think Ireland and Sparano don't want superstars who will stand up in the locker room and get in everybody's faces. They want a bunch of choir boys.

Ross is a good guy and these jokers are taking advantage of his kindness.Right now the only excitement at Dolphins home games will be seeing Serena Williams in a catsuit.

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17 comments
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Max
Max

What more does Tom Brady and the New England Patriots have to do to prove  that they are so much better than the dolphins ever were.Dan Marino and the Miami Dolphins are moving more and more to the back of the Bus with all there records that the ass hole sports media here in s florida said would never broken think again people.

Oscar
Oscar

Hey Luke, Thanks for jinxing our beloved Phins, hope you're happy!

BigFranky75
BigFranky75

UM... YOUR BOY, MCKINNIE? HE'S A FAT SLOB NOBODY THAT WAS DUMPED BECUASE HE ATE HIMSELF OUT OF THE LEAGUE... WHO CARES WHAT HE SAYS...?? HE'S AVAILABLE BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS HIM! MIGHT I SUGGEST KNOWING WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT BEFORE WRITING (AND I USE THE TERM "WRITING" INCREDIBLY LOOSELY) ON THE SUBJECT?  HAVE FUN WATCHIGN YOUR FINS COMPETE WITH THE BILLS FOR 3RD IN THE EAST...

Derrick Christopher Mustelier
Derrick Christopher Mustelier

You're mad at the Dolphins for passing on Plax and Ochocinco but Reggie Bush is a Hollywood diva?  You're an idiot.

reefhead
reefhead

Yo, LUKE agree on Bush, but maybe they aren't spending the capital, cause attendance hasn't exactly been on par with the way the JETS, EAGLES, and PATS sell out their home stadiums. Secondly, HENNE needs a new chance w/ a new Offensive Coach. How can you slam him and leave that point out. Dude, deserves support this year not cheap jabs.

kirkslade
kirkslade

They will be 7-9. Luke is a prejudice ass.

James G. Camp
James G. Camp

"Right now the only excitement at Dolphins home games will be seeing Serena Williams in a catsuit."

There you have it the Dolphins new safety ?Maybe even middle linebacker ? Enjoy the Phins cheerleaders. Although I will say a $ 50 ticket and $ 25 parking, you'll find me cycling to the beach those Sundays the Dolphins are home.

cassiuscasio
cassiuscasio

When we kick that first field goal...the excitement will be very palpable.  /sarcasm

NickR
NickR

"There is no reason the Dolphins should not be making big splashes in the free-agent market."

The team is owned by a madman and coached by a moron. The front office is in steady chaos. Ricky and Ronnie are (wisely) leaving. Our best bet? A wide receiver and a half with a tree stump throwing to them.

You're a free-agent NFL QB. In your market are the (division-leading) Eagles, the (division-leading) Falcons, and the (owned and run by lobotomized gibbons) Dolphins.

Pray, tell me the pitch that convinces our promising QB that this team, and no other, is the best fit for his career, his launching pad to the NFL Films highlight reels.

SkinsFan
SkinsFan

The fins are in the "Suck 4 Luck" sweepstakes with my redskins to see who can get the top draft pick next year.  I have to say it looks like miami is in the lead.

not a sell-out
not a sell-out

Nooo SkinsFan, your redskins are definitely wayyy ahead with john beck starting, gross-man backing him up...and your defense is a FRACTION of what the Dolphins defense is.

And luke, go away. you know nothing of football. kind of like the dolphins...you've been invalid since the 80's, witcho old goofy ass.

SkinsFan
SkinsFan

If theres a god in heaven.  You will be proven right.

Lataki305
Lataki305

Campbell u will eat those words....lol

GoPackGo
GoPackGo

yep, they are going to suck again, odds @ 90%

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