Michele Bachmann Can't Win Florida, Let Alone the Presidency; Here Are Five Reasons Why

Categories: Politicks
Thumbnail image for Michele_Bachmann_Shankbone.jpg
David Shankbone via Wikimedia Commons
Would you vote for this woman, Florida?
The nation is all atwitter over Michele Bachmann. Not only did she thoroughly corn-poll Iowa this past Saturday -- winning the state's straw poll over Smucker's jam spokesman Ron Paul -- but also the congresswoman claimed the scalp of fellow Minnesotan conservative Tim Pawlenty.

Bachmann's surge is particularly significant in Florida, the nation's largest swing state, which might very well host the nation's first Republican primary next year.

But despite the recent Bachmania, there is just no way in hell Michele will flash those steely gray eyes and sweet victory smile in the Sunshine State. Here's why.

5. South Florida is just too gay.
Michele Bachmann thinks gay people lead "sad," "Satanic" lives. In 2004, she infamously said:
If you're involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it's bondage. It is personal bondage, personal despair, and personal enslavement. And that's why this is so dangerous. We need to have profound compassion for people who are dealing with the very real issue of sexual dysfunction in their life, and sexual identity disorders.
Well, South Florida is home to one of the nation's largest LGBT communities. Bachmann's habit of likening their sexual orientation to slavery or sickness won't win her many votes.

If that wasn't enough to write off the gay vote, Bachmann's husband is George Rekers all over again: an über-Christian who claims to know more about gays than they do. His "clinic," Bachmann & Associates, engages in controversial and possibly psychologically damaging pray-the-gay-away therapy. Marcus Bachmann is on tape calling gays "barbarians" who "need to be educated."


4. No habla español.
Unlike Texan Rick Perry, Bachmann doesn't bother with mangled Spanish. She couldn't order a cortadito at Versailles to save her life. In fact, she wants to straight-up ban Miami's predominant language, at least when it comes to the government. Beginning in 2007, Bachmann introduced legislation to make English the official language of the United States. Oh, and she believes in Arizona-style immigration laws for all states.

3. Dropping F-idel bombs:
Cuban-Americans don't like communism -- something having to do with that Fidel character back in Havana. But they also don't like people from Minnesota trivializing the shit they went through when they fled the island more than 50 years ago. And like Glenn Beck with different gonads, Bachmann is an expert at overly dramatic, misleading comparisons.

"What the Obama administration will do with health care is make us like Havana in 1959, when Castro came in," Bachmann said during the health-care debate. "In other words, no private health insurance company will be able to write another health insurance policy once the government takeover comes into place."

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Probably not voting for Bachmann, on a number of grounds
Miami Cubans aren't all fans of Obama, but when people have lived through an actual government takeover, how much patience will they have for Bachmann's hysterics?

2. Not your grandpa's conservative:
Fact: Florida is where old people come to die. Or, rather, it's where they come to stubbornly cling to life for decades while inching their Lincoln Town Cars around town, collecting social security checks, and voting.

But octogenarians aren't exactly going to turn out in force for Michele Bachmann. She's not your grandpa's conservative candidate. For proof, look no further than a recent edition of old-people-newspaper the Wall Street Journal:
Winning a straw poll of activists is a long way from persuading voters she has the experience and judgment to sit in the Oval Office. (Libertarian Ron Paul, who has no chance to win the nomination, finished a close second.) Mrs. Bachmann has a record of errant statements (see Battle of Lexington and Concord, history of) that are forgiven by Fox Nation but won't be if she makes them as a GOP standard-bearer.

More substantively, her attempt to position herself at all times as the anti-establishment outsider has made her seem on occasion less principled than opportunistic. She quickly distanced herself from Paul Ryan's Medicare reform when it came under liberal fire, even as she purports to be the scourge of uncontrolled spending. Her recent opposition to the debt-ceiling deal on grounds that GOP leaders should have insisted on first passing a balanced budget amendment, while holding only the House, was a political fantasy.
Conserva-slam!

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Oh, Ricky: we've only got unblinking eyes for you
1. We already have one lidless Republican wonder:
At the end of the day, there is only enough room for one unblinking, skull-like Tea Party robot in our Florida hearts, and his name is Rick Scott. Slick Rick is everything that Bachmann pretends to be: a capitalist zealot, a ruthless government-shrinking machine, and a guy so conservative he'd rather gnaw off his hand than shake Obama's.

So, sorry, Michele Bachmann. But Florida isn't swinging your way in 2012, and neither is the presidency.

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5 comments
sanityplease
sanityplease

She combines the bad parts of Kathryn Harris and Sarah Palin. She suffers from an inflated opinion of herself.

NickR
NickR

"At the end of the day, there is only enough room for one unblinking, skull-like Tea Party robot in our Florida hearts, and his name is Rick Scott."

A glassy-eyed Teabagger won't win Florida because a glassy-eyed Teabagger already has? How does that work?

Scott Rose
Scott Rose

The problem as far as political gay-bashing goes is not so much what Bachmann has said in past years as that she, and Mitt Romney signed the National Organization for Marriage's "pledge."  You can poo-poo Bachmann's presidential prospects in ways that don't necessarily apply to Romney.  That pledge is ominous in many ways.  Fulfilled, it would have all gay American married couples' marriages annulled through a federal amendment banning marriage equality throughout the land.  The pledge also calls for a presidential commission to investigate "harassment" of those who carry out political perseuction of gay people.  With a NOM-pledge-signing president in power, and a NOM-mandated commission to politically persecute gay Americans and supporters of their equality, who knows what could happen?  It's not as if the NOM pledge had been construed in the name of sanity or enlightenment.  It further calls for the signer as president to appoint only federal judges and attorneys general who are inalterably opposed to marriage equality, and who would stick to the "original" meaning of the constitution.  What that means, exactly, is anybody's guess.  According to the original Constitution, a female or a black could not be appointed as a federal judge or an attorney general.  Somebody might try asking Romney, Bachmann or Santorum (another NOM pledge signer) what they meant by signing such a ridiculous and offensive document.  The NOM pledge, not Bachmann's previous anti-gay bigotry is the main story in this.

Mauricio
Mauricio

"She couldn't order a cortadito at Versailles to save her life."

No, she would probably walk in there and get crucified on the spot (with good reason).

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