New York City Shits a Brick Over Hurricane Irene

Categories: Category 5
irene_hurricane.jpg
Thanks to Random Pixels for finding these
Don't flee to the Hamptons. Do stock up on hard liquor and Twinkies.
Dude, for a city that has weathered so much in the past decade -- from 9/11 to blackouts, serial killers to the Knicks (the Knicks, for God's sake!) -- New York is acting wimpier these days than LeBron James atop a diving platform.

First, there was that itsy, bitsy earthquake Tuesday, equivalent to chugging a Red Bull and downing one too many Taco Bell seven-layer burritos.

Now NYC is shitting a brick over Hurricane Irene. Relax, hipsters, and take a page out of Riptide's hurricane survival book.

Disclaimer: It was Riptide's birthday last night and we're not exactly "sober" yet this morning. Following this advice might very well result in stomachache, blurred vision, and armageddon.

1. Don't Flee to the Hamptons:
We've never been there, but we agree it's tempting. However, with corporate taxes at a 50-year low in this country, all the while everyday Joes don't even have enough money to get sick on Taco Bell and Red Bull, God has got to be a little bit angry with Wall Street.

Our bankers plunged us into a financial crisis that has yet to end, remember? If there is any meteorological justice, Irene will hit East Egg before East Brooklyn.

2. Hoard Those Nuggets:
Forget Whole Foods. That chicken tikka masala and organic baby greens won't last a day when the power goes out and the first floor of your brownstone becomes a briny sea of misery.

You'll need to hoard some good old-fashioned American food, like Twinkies and Jack Daniel's. When it comes to hurricanes, think zombie apocalypse, but moldier. Perishables will get you nowhere. From soccer moms to survivalists, South Floridians have mastered the art of prepping for storms.

3. Hang Ten:
We keep hearing about killer surfing in the Big Apple. An "urban aloha," one op-ed titled it. So prove it. When the 'canes are a-comin', doe-eyed reporters and South Florida surfers alike flock to the beach. Sometime, you get some gnarly storm waves. Other times 60 mph winds bash you against a building.

Here it comes, NYC. Do us proud.

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15 comments
McBrooklyn
McBrooklyn

Y'all spooks still cleaning up after Katrina? That's some work ethic there fellas.

Braennvin2
Braennvin2

Since when do New Yorkers = hipsters? That's like referring to Miami residents as 'boat people.'

Also, the only New Yorker blowing this out of proportion is Mike Bloomberg. The rest of us are like, "This is just a rainstorm, dude." Plus a few of us in Lower Manhattan are saying, "I have to evacuate? Are you friggin' kidding me?"

Sandra Patterson
Sandra Patterson

Why would someone want to live in NY anyway?Horrible winters, hot stifling summers, rude, arrogant residents, so muchtraffic congestion you have no choice but to take public transportation…Andthen they have the nerve to move down here to Miami and bring their JerseyShore type looks and attitudes with them.

John rodriguez
John rodriguez

I lived in NYC and now Miami. These yuppie wanna be hipsters

are being paranoid. Irene is only going to be atropical storm when it hits NYC. So yes, there will be strong winds and rainbut New York has seen far worse. NYC is like Lindsay Lohan, it loves to be thecenter of attention, no matter what cost.

batfight
batfight

I bet you'll pick fights with New Yorkers way more often since I imagine you're getting 300% more traffic than usual. You don't surf anything but coattails. 

NYCirene
NYCirene

NYC was just advised by the mayor to please not go in the water this weekend.  During storm events like around NYC the most likely way to die is by going out in the water. Hopefully your idiot-crafted article doesn't kill anyone this weekend. Lol Miami mocking NYC...what a joke!

thetook
thetook

As if Miamians wouldn't be committing mass ritual suicides if they go hit with foot of snow. A city of less then 400k and 5 million in the whole metro area... lay down little doggy lay down.

thetook
thetook

As if Miamians wouldn't be committing mass ritual suicides if they go hit with foot of snow. A city of less then 400k and 5 million in the whole metro area... lay down little doggy lay down.

Jennifermascia
Jennifermascia

Florida is not full of high buildings made of brick, steel and glass. New York is much more dangerous in an earthquake or hurricane. If you ever got a foot of snow, believe me, you'd be crying -- because you're not equipped for it. It's not that we're wimps -- NY is not built to withstand certain natural disasters like you are. 

Hipster Dude
Hipster Dude

Why would someone want to live in Miami anyway?Hot stifling summers, rude, arrogant residents, so muchtraffic congestion you have no choice but to take public transportation…Andthen they have the nerve to move down here to Miami and bring their Old Folks type looks and attitudes with them. But at least you can get tickets to a baseball game without a problem

ELLEOHELLE
ELLEOHELLE

It's obviously NOT being advised to go in the water..., c'mon

Joe
Joe

I second that. For example, Florida has solid metal shutters on every freaking window, try installing those on a sky scarper.

NYCIrene
NYCIrene

Did you read the article? Point 3... You should.

ELLEOHELLE
ELLEOHELLE

Yeah, and it ends with " Other times 60 mph winds bash you against a building."

Wow, I thought NYorkers were a little better at picking up sarcasm. 

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