Oh Sh*t! Florida's Five Most Notorious Poopcrimes

Categories: WTF Florida
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Yesterday, jollily bearded fellow Edmund Barksdale set the AP's Poop Alert Newswire® ablaze with his bizarre tale of getting Tasered while taking a dump in a Destin park. Yet he's far from the first fecal-matter felon to snag Florida headlines.

If George Orwell put thoughtcrime on the map, the Sunshine State has proudly one-upped him in the pioneering field of poopcrime. Here are the five most notorious cases.

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via Florida Department of Corrections
5. A Sh*tty Driver

​Last May, a cop -- who, if there is a Lord Baby Jesus, has a sizable bonus in his future -- was called to a hit-and-run in Vero Beach. A witness had seen 50-year-old Sheila Ann Keatings bounce her red Ford Explorer off a couple of nearby light poles. When the officer found her car down the block, he discovered Keating "attempting to pull up her underwear and shorts."

Well, let the world's unluckiest beat cop take it from there: "I observed the defendant's bowel movements secreting from her underwear and small quantities on the ground leading from the rear of her vehicle to the driver's seat." But Keating did have a solid excuse: She'd had eight Bud Lights before hopping in the car, she told police.

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4. Hate Mail

Last November, Mike Gaudreau, the principal at Seminole High School in Sanford, received a six-by-eight-​inch manilla envelope in the mail. As his secretary placed it in his mailbox, she noticed a "foul odor." When she opened it, she found a letter "containing colorful language talking about the high school principal," according to Sanford Police. Oh yeah, the envelope and letter were also thoroughly smeared with poop -- a fact that took a hazmat team several hours of lockdown at the high school to figure out.

Police promised to investigate but admitted they might not have many options. "There are no real charges for sending a poopy letter," police spokesman Sgt. David Morgenstern told the Palm Beach Post.

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