Sex Issue: The Best Places To Get It On In Public

Categories: Sex in Miami

alba.jpg
Jessica Alba knows what we're talking about.
Unless you're under house arrest or are bedridden with bronchitis, there's really no reason to have sex indoors. Walls are so Topeka-ish.

We live in a subtropical paradise with very loose morals. There may not be a better city in the world in which to penetrate a friend in the fresh air.

For our upcoming Sex Issue, we scoured our expertise for the best places to have sex in public in Miami-Dade County. We've excerpted a couple here.

Our lawyer asked us to remind you: outdoor sex is illegal, and if you get caught porking it in the Everglades, don't call us for bail money.

Haulover Beach
The upside of having sex at Miami's only "clothing-optional" beach is everybody's already naked, and if you go into the water, nobody can see you (unless they're wearing goggles), and there's just a lot of gray area there. Who's to say you weren't only hugging your friend-- from behind-- and it slipped in? The downside to having sex here is you'll get sand in places even the bravest urologist or gynecologist won't traverse, and also jellyfish. Evil, evil jellyfish.

The men's bathroom in Mansion
(It's not technically outdoors, but it's definitely in the wild.) There are a couple of obstacles to getting it on here. The foremost is the nosy bathroom attendant, who's sick of spray-tanned people fornicating in his workplace but is also the easiest person to bribe in Miami-Dade County. ($3.) The second hurdle is convincing your more-scrupulous companion to carnally intermingle in a stall puddled with vomit while LMFAO blares overhead. But to drop your dragon-embroidered jeans and lift your partner's mini-dress over her hair poof and copulate in a standing position in these environs... It's the Miami version of scaling Everest. Shots! Shots! Shots!

Whoa, we were kind of in a trance when we wrote that. Be sure to check out the rest of the list, and the entire Sex Issue, when it's published this week.

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19 comments
matrimonials
matrimonials

Any single girl looking for a loving, and caring man?

get in touch please.........

Richardm09
Richardm09

Getting it on at Haulover Beach is a good way to end up in jail.

Haulover Beach is 1.7 miles long.  If you want to get it on at Haulover Beach we do not have a problem with that is you go outside the designated naturist beach. If you get caught at the naturist beach you will be arrested. That is a lude & lascivious charge. Violates Florida S/S 800.03. 

We have over 40 volunteer Beach Ambassadors, (read crime watch) as well as hundreds of members on the beach. If we witness any sexual behavior we will have you arrested  and we will be at your hearing and your trial. You will be convicted and your name will be on the Florida & the US Justice Dept data base as a sex offender, along with the rapists and child molesters and you will experience a major life change.

Don't be stupid.

If you don't know how to handle non-sexual  nudity on a public beach, don't go there. Gawkers are not welcome either.

Almost all the clothing-optional beaches in America have been closed because of alleged sexual activity. If you want to see Haulover Beach closed to nude sunbathing, them promote sex on the beach.

Howevr, if we catch anyone we will have them arrested. Oh, by the way. If there are any children in the area, that violates Fl S/S 800.04 and that will get you a manditory jail sentence. The last time I checked it was 8 years. Then you can have all the sex you want and we will give you a tube of KY as a going away to jail gift.

Richard MasonPresidentSouth Florida Free Beaches/Florida Naturist Association.

Dodai
Dodai

Sex Issue: The Best Places To Get It On In Public...@readers:disqus I just got a $ 829.99 i-Pàd2 for only $ 103.37 and my mom got a $ 1498.99 HDTV for only $ 251.92, they are both coming with USPS tomorrow. I would be an id!ot to ever pay full retàil prìcès at placès like Wàlmàrt or Bèstbuy. I sold a 37" HDTV to my boss for $ 600 that I only paid $ 78.24 for. I use..., Tag¢ènt.Çôm

Dodai
Dodai

Sex Issue: The Best Places To Get It On In Public...@readers:disqus I just got a $829.99 i-Pad-2 for only $103.37 and my mom got a $1498.99 HDTV for only $251.92, they are both coming with USPS tomorrow. I would be an id!ot to ever pay full retail prices at places like Walmart or Bestbuy. I sold a 37" HDTV to my boss for $600 that I only paid $78.24 for. I use..., Tàg¢ent.côm

Dodai
Dodai

Sex Issue: The Best Places To Get It On In Public...@readers:disqus I just got a $829.99 i-Pad-2 for only $103.37 and my mom got a $1498.99 HDTV for only $251.92, they are both coming with USPS tomorrow. I would be an id!ot to ever pay full retail prices at places like Walmart or Bestbuy. I sold a 37" HDTV to my boss for $600 that I only paid $78.24 for. I use..., Tàg¢ent.c0m

Dodai
Dodai

Sex Issue: The Best Places To Get It On In Public...@readers:disqus I just got a $829.99 i-Pad-2 for only $103.37 and my mom got a $1498.99 HDTV for only $251.92, they are both coming with USPS tomorrow. I would be an id!ot to ever pay full retail prices at places like Walmart or Bestbuy. I sold a 37" HDTV to my boss for $600 that I only paid $78.24 for. I use..., Tàg ¢ent.c0m

Uncle Ash
Uncle Ash

Llifeguards on Miami Beach have a term for couples that get intimate in the water: "off-shore drilling". 

Valentina Fiallos
Valentina Fiallos

This was an excellent read.  Well crafted and infused with plenty of humor.  Very nice, Mr. Garcia-Roberts.  I hope you make a habit of being in a trance while writing more often.

Laura
Laura

FIU after dark :)

Steves
Steves

you've never brought a chick into the men's room to fuck?!??!??  try reading the article before posting...

Samantha
Samantha

Sounds like Mr Mason hasn't had any in awhile :-)

roadalx
roadalx

@Richardm09 Dude whats your problem?? You're so antiquated you fart dust you old fu(! Having sex with adults means youre a sex offender? People like you are the problem. Puritanical tyrannical self-important deluded jackass!

nesendrea
nesendrea

And you, Richard, appear to have nothing better to do with your time than troll Internet forums trying to frighten people with empty, nonsense threats. Whether you like this fact or not (and based on your superior, arrogant tone, I'm guessing not), Haulover Beach actively functions as a hookup spot for singles and swinger couples. I have been there many times over a span of years; I have never passed the day there without seeing some form of sexual play, at least in the ocean and sometimes on the beach itself. People there with whom I've spoken about this in the past used to laugh when I would express concern about being caught. It simply doesn't happen, they say, and indeed I still have yet to see even one couple be arrested or harassed for playing there. If you really do have a team of "ambassadors" wasting their days trying to spoil other people's fun by snitching on them (and these cohorts of yours must be easy to spot, no doubt patrolling the beach whilst mounted on their moral high horses), then they are the most inept organization in the history of beach going. They are doing NOTHING.

Puritanical naturists like yourself are always preaching about how natural nudity is, and you're right. Well guess what, sexual activity is every bit as natural as being nude. If you can't handle the sexually-charged nudity on Haulover Beach, then don't go there. Haulover is a place where open minded, free spirited people come to make friends and often hook up with each other. You don't have to participate in or even look in the general direction of the sexual activities that go on there, but they are going to go on. Get over yourself and accept it, or stay home.

(sorry to answer such an old comment, but the thought of someone reading this self-righteous prick's posturing and actually being intimidated by it disgusted me, and I had to refute it. He's spitting garbage; the reality is that sex happens at Haulover Beach every day, and nobody gets arrested or goes to prison for it. That's absurd.)

rayray2003lolz
rayray2003lolz

Which places specifically? I have in the bathrooms, parking garages and parking lots, and the park behind the school. Almost did in a classroom but was too afraid of being caught. Are there any others?

 

Ray

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