To the Amazement of Absolutely Nobody, Dolphins Fall to 0-2

Categories: Sports
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The Amazing Shitshow! that is your Miami Dolphins fell to the Houston Texans for the sixth straight time, in a 23-13 ass-whoopin' yesterday afternoon. The Dolphins are now 0-2 to start the season, have lost 11 of their last 12 games at home, can't convert a third down for dick, and are the only winless team in the AFC East.

But hey, did you see J.Lo on the Orange Carpet before the game? SHE LOOKED ABSOLUTELY FANTABULOUS!

The rundown:

- The Dolphins are 0-6 lifetime against the Houston Texans. That is what Texans refer to as HORSEFUCKERY.

- We're now on year four of the explosive shit that is known as the Parcells/Ireland/Sparano era. And in four years, there's not much improvement. The Fins can't win at Sun Life (home games might be blacked out? Shocking!), the offense plays football like old people fuck, the defense is shit, then good, then shit again, and all we do is kick field goals. And even that is now broken.

It's time for Sparano and his whore-hatin' ginger pal to go. Who's out there to replace them, you ask? We can probably literally hire a guy from Trinidad who has never seen an NFL game to run this shit and it'll be a thousand percent better.

"M' couseen is gon' play wide receivah now. I don' know if 'e cahn catch de oblong pig-skeen ball yer play wit. But 'e can run like da weend! Fins op, bredren!"

- Dan Carpenter missed two field goal attempts of 22 yards and 34 yards. Having him kick a shitload of field goals last season has ruined his foot.

- Linebacker Karlos Dansby left the game in the first half after suffering a groin injury. Coincidentally, it's the same injury this fan base has suffered for the past decade.

- With 8:59 remaining, on third and five from the Miami 13, Chad Henne scrambled, ran, and dove headfirst, missing the first-down marker by one yard. He also hurt his head. That entire play pretty much epitomizes Chad Henne.

- Atlanta Falcons Matt Ryan threw for 195 yards and four touchdowns last night, leading the Falcons to the win over the Eagles, despite being sacked four times in the game. The lesson here: When you have the first overall pick in the NFL Draft, you take the quarterback, you shitsitkcs! Bill Parcells is a dickhole.

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- The Dolphins suck at home, but they'll hit the road for the next three games. This season has a 6-10, no-name, injury-prone defensive tackle chosen with a midround draft pick written all over it!

- Rookie running back Daniel Thomas ran for 107 yards and averaged five yards a carryin his debut. Shockingly, he failed to score a touchdown.

- Jason Taylor got a sack yesterday, giving him 133.5 sacks for his career. Badass.

We close things out with Dolfan Phil.

Episode One: Dolfan Phil Meets Buck Tex

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The Dolphins visit the Cleveland Browns next week. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.

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16 comments
Eduardo Lacayo Lopez
Eduardo Lacayo Lopez

i agree @mrmia60:twitter  get rid of sparano n bring in ryan from the the cowboys to coach he looks good for 0ur coach n im sure he would like to beat his bro twice a year .. talk about in the family football rivalry that has entertaining all over it i hope we stink so we can choose a luck next year n do the right thing with the #1 overall pick this time

glass slipper
glass slipper

You couldn't have expected anything good coming from the Huezinga/Ross ownership years, could you?

 Let me explain something to you, whenever guys like Huezinga/Ross step out of their comfort zone and try to become "mainstream" whatever THEY TOUCH TURNS TO SHIT.

 Once in a while Huezinga might have picked a kernal of corn out of his pile of shit like the 1997 Marlins but true to form he turned around and decimated any chance of extending those good feelings.

And Ross is showing what a jerk he is with his faggity assed "orange carpet" and that stupid nightclub in the endzone.

Hey Ross, hire some people who know something about football and you won't have to buy 10,000 tickets just so you won't be blacked out, dumbass.

Vinbob
Vinbob

Horsefuckery. Poetry.

Mrmiami60
Mrmiami60

when is Ross going to take sparano on a boat ride on biscayne bay, cmon the fins have no energy, no spunk, common thread=sparano...the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results....cmon' sparano must go now, bring nolan in for the year and go and get a exciteable coach, even take ryan from dallas, or go get cower,or chuckie, never have i seen an offensive line coach make a good head coach, and stop signing ex cowboys players they are all washed up, coach must go,coach must go, coach must go...all in the afc east 2-0, we aree already done for this year because sparano has no excitement, he is a bore on the sideline he must go now

Hurriphin
Hurriphin

And what really sucks, is that this Aqua n Orange, short-bus of a football team will find a way to win JUST enough games to move us out of position to draft Andrew Luck.

seep
seep

this article was written by a middle schooler

Penelope
Penelope

Being at the game makes the pain worse. I was surprised to see the turn out (granted, tickets for lower bowl was the equivalent of a Marlins ticket)But it saddens me that with terrible team we have, we still have loyal Dolphin fans cheering with high hopes for something to happen. And nothing happens. We are a sad bunch of masochist.

Thank you especially for making us laugh -- and for forcing us to speak cowboy in our head as we read your blog!

Keep up the fantastic work!!

Jhoward
Jhoward

We have to live through another season of sewagve before we get to live through another implosion and rebuilding effort that just might fail again. 

Fernie B
Fernie B

this is hilarious! run like weeeeeeeeeeeeeend!

cafinfan
cafinfan

Awesome!!!! I'm a Dolphin Fan From California, I follow you on Twitter.  I would first like to say your pretty goddamn funny!!!  Everything you say is true, Fire these no talent ass clowns.  I'm with you brother I have loved the Pins sense I was 10 years old Goming On 32 now, And all i want is for our team to be respected in this league!!!!  I'm sick and tired of having to defend The Dolphins to these faget Niner and Radier Fans here in Cali.  Anyway Keep up the good work, Love what you do I'm at @califinfan, I dont say much though Anyway love your stuff!! Go phins

A.j. Sabourin
A.j. Sabourin

So basically, Buck Tex is a typical Texas douchebag?

LouSanis
LouSanis

A banner plane with "Sporano must go" would get some attention. It worked to to get brain stem Shula out. Jimmy and Danny Danny and Jimmy Jimmy and danny Danny and Jimmy. Jimmy and Danny Danny and Jimmy.

Fernie B
Fernie B

like my sexlife.... same thing..

Fernie B
Fernie B

Raiders shouldnt be talking too much...they are a joke

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