Ten Really Annoying Things Miamians Need to Stop Doing Now
|Just kidding. There are no ushers in Miami movie theaters.|
Miamians are space invaders. Which is to say, they invade your space. Whether you're driving your car, watching a movie, or eating at a restaurant, there is no way to ever forget you're in Miami.
It's endearing, sort of. But mostly it's annoying. Here, then, are the ten things we all need to stop doing immediately for the sanity of our fellow locals. If Miami had mountains, we'd stand atop one hoisting tablets inscribed with these rules.
10. Letting their banshee children run wild in restaurants. A restaurant is not a day-care center. The reason you can't just let your kids crawl all over the floor and scream is because it annoys the shit out of other diners who are spending good money to enjoy their pad thai and whose children are either well-behaved or don't exist. We've seen this in both neighborhood joints and fancy restaurants in Miami. Seriously, it's a tragic shame that our neighbors are raising such cretinous, uncontrollable children. But that's their business. Or at least it should be.
9. Whistling for their wives in the grocery store. Sometimes it sounds like a bird-dogging competition at Winn-Dixie. Our dad does this, and we realize it's a very effective, efficient way to get your woman's attention, but why not just leave your wife in the car with a window cracked?
8. Driving like Ryan Gosling in Drive. We shouldn't even be saying this because it will give said drivers satisfaction, but it's kind of terrifying to see a BMW bearing down behind you at 70 mph when you're stopped at a red light. Oh, but then they brake at the last minute. Impressive. There's a rule of the roads in Miami: If it's a BMW, or any car with a "The Shocker" hand symbol sticker, you should assume they'll cut you off in an incredibly dangerous fashion. What's funny is that you always catch up to them at the next light -- despite all their crazy maneuvering and a driving record that one can only imagine is costing them hundreds of dollars a month in insurance. Yes, we have fantasized about that Tool sticker melting off the bumper after their shitty driving gets them in a fiery accident. We're not saying it's right. But we're admitting to the fantasy.
|Not pictured: The curmudgeon trying to read U.S. News and World Report two beach chairs over.|
6. Not picking up dog poop in South Beach.The Britto store gives you a little bag when you buy a tiny butterfly statue. Save that bag under your sink. Put it in the pocket of your white linen slacks when your walk your froodle. And when feces comes out of your dog's anus, USE THE BAG TO PICK IT UP. Now throw it in a Britto-decorated municipal trash can.