Ten Really Annoying Things Miamians Need to Stop Doing Now

Categories: Listicles
movietheatre.jpg
Just kidding. There are no ushers in Miami movie theaters.
Our sister paper in New York City just published a list of ten things that city's citizens need to stop doing. But let's face it: Even when you consider the number of Williamsburg hipsters, Miamians are still way more annoying than New Yorkers.

Miamians are space invaders. Which is to say, they invade your space. Whether you're driving your car, watching a movie, or eating at a restaurant, there is no way to ever forget you're in Miami.

It's endearing, sort of. But mostly it's annoying. Here, then, are the ten things we all need to stop doing immediately for the sanity of our fellow locals. If Miami had mountains, we'd stand atop one hoisting tablets inscribed with these rules.

10. Letting their banshee children run wild in restaurants. A restaurant is not a day-care center. The reason you can't just let your kids crawl all over the floor and scream is because it annoys the shit out of other diners who are spending good money to enjoy their pad thai and whose children are either well-behaved or don't exist. We've seen this in both neighborhood joints and fancy restaurants in Miami. Seriously, it's a tragic shame that our neighbors are raising such cretinous, uncontrollable children. But that's their business. Or at least it should be.

9. Whistling for their wives in the grocery store. Sometimes it sounds like a bird-dogging competition at Winn-Dixie. Our dad does this, and we realize it's a very effective, efficient way to get your woman's attention, but why not just leave your wife in the car with a window cracked?

8. Driving like Ryan Gosling in Drive. We shouldn't even be saying this because it will give said drivers satisfaction, but it's kind of terrifying to see a BMW bearing down behind you at 70 mph when you're stopped at a red light. Oh, but then they brake at the last minute. Impressive. There's a rule of the roads in Miami: If it's a BMW, or any car with a "The Shocker" hand symbol sticker, you should assume they'll cut you off in an incredibly dangerous fashion. What's funny is that you always catch up to them at the next light -- despite all their crazy maneuvering and a driving record that one can only imagine is costing them hundreds of dollars a month in insurance. Yes, we have fantasized about that Tool sticker melting off the bumper after their shitty driving gets them in a fiery accident. We're not saying it's right. But we're admitting to the fantasy.

miamiphotoshoot.jpg
Not pictured: The curmudgeon trying to read U.S. News and World Report two beach chairs over.
7. Staging glamour and/or porn-y photo shoots everywhere, all the time. We went to Jimbo's -- where you think you'd be safe -- and there was a hipster photo shoot going down. We were driving down Biscayne Boulevard in downtown one early afternoon when we saw a streetwalker-type lady making a V with her legs in a skirt, with her, uh, "v" hanging out for all the world to see, as somebody else took a photo. The one time we went to Vizcaya there were like 48 photo shoots going on. Where are all these photos ending up? We suspect the answer to that question is they're forever staying on digital cameras, never to be looked at again.

6. Not picking up dog poop in South Beach.The Britto store gives you a little bag when you buy a tiny butterfly statue. Save that bag under your sink. Put it in the pocket of your white linen slacks when your walk your froodle. And when feces comes out of your dog's anus, USE THE BAG TO PICK IT UP. Now throw it in a Britto-decorated municipal trash can.

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41 comments
Chester
Chester

Ten Really Annoying Things Miamians Need to Stop Doing Now...@readers:disqus my roomate's step-sister makes $81 an hour on the laptop. She has been without work for 8 months but last month her pay was $8165 just working on the laptop for a few hours. Here's the site CashHuge.com

Julian Munoz
Julian Munoz

11. Stop being a bunch of self loathing sack of potatoes 

slick60
slick60

Bmws have like the best brakes out there. I'm sorry if I scared you. (just kidding)

Brigitte
Brigitte

Britto? Oh, you mean the Andy Warhol wannabe?

Dellirides
Dellirides

I think its fitting that Britto gives you a bag that can be used for crap, since his "art" is that exactly that.

Bsmith
Bsmith

I think the heat has roast their brains, rudest people on earth.

Dan
Dan

I think this more applies toCuban and puerto rican people than Miamians.

Bsmith
Bsmith

Space invaders yeah, low class assholes who has no common sense. 

elbastardo
elbastardo

 Space invaders: this is true on so many levels here in Miami. There is a very thin line between public and private spheres that people here in Miami just simply cannot grasp. JESUS, THERE IS A PACK OF WILD DOGS NEXT TO MY TABLE...OH SHI-

Christina Mob Pereyra
Christina Mob Pereyra

how about talking on the phone while driving?! if you cant safely multitask DONT DO IT!!!!

Imposterwen
Imposterwen

You could have just condensed this into a single thing that Miamians need to stop doing: being assholes.

analogous
analogous

OMG THANK YOU For posting about the littering!!!! I have seen too many people throwing garbage on the palmetto! not just coke cans or lunch bags- f^&$%#*$ MILK GALLON JUGS- WTF are you doing with an empty milk jug in your car and WHY can't it be thrown in the garbage can where it belongs????? Miamians have NO CLUE the paradise they live in, and have no respect for it either. They need to GET A CLUE before paradise is gone!!!

Nabuklown
Nabuklown

I've lived in Miami for 26 years and its so true. The words "excuse me" just do not exist in the  Spanish or English language here. If you do say excuse me, some "Miamians" think you just disrespected them. People rather get into fights then say, oh sorry, I bumped into you." People have this "right of way" mentality all the fucking time, when crossing the streets, when bumping into you, when driving, when littering, it is truly annoying. 

I see it everyday and the most recent pissed me off. I was going to Bardot and three clueless bitches were standing right on the road to the entrance of the parking lot. As I pulled up in my vehicle, obviously waiting for them to move so I can park, one of them simply turned around, continued her conversation with her friends and keep staring at me like, "wtf, I'm standing here, what are you going to do about it." After about 2minutes of me flashing my lights, they walked, eyeing me of course and at the pace of a snail. Of course, I wanted to run them over but I'm a moral citizen with common sense, which they were missing, but a normal person would think, "hey I'm standing in the middle of the road and the car wants to cross, hmm maybe I should move?" Well, again, it's the feeling of entitlement and I'm fucking special and your not attitude that seems rampant among SOME OF MIAMI'S residents.

Kyle Pineda
Kyle Pineda

Correction: Every asshole who cuts you off also has a Miami Heat license plate. The driver is usually a white male aged 17-24. This is an irrefutable fact. 

Rob
Rob

Never using turning signals, except when someone wants that parking spot that you're about to pull into.

3rdWorldDriving
3rdWorldDriving

Driving with hazard lights on whenever it rains. 

And yes as stated, missing an exit and backing up on the highway to save 2 minutes while risking everyone's lives.

Marc Medios
Marc Medios

This is a good start. Sailing through red lights is something that needs to stop now too

Jeanne
Jeanne

11) Backing up on the highway

Tnslpptso
Tnslpptso

go to calle ocho not speaking a word of spanish. you'll never find your way out.

MyraWexler
MyraWexler

yo MoMMA agrees with all your observations, except the photo shoots.  LOVE that they are taking place all of MIAMI.  You think NEW TIMES has the exclusive?   Just saying. BTW, yo MoMMA LOVES me, The NEW TIMES!!!Thanks for always keeping us INFORMED :  )

Yup
Yup

I agree with everything. Especially the savage drivers!

AJ
AJ

This article is really stupid. Miami was voted the "Cleanest City in America" as recently as 2008 (Forbes Magazine), a title that it deserves. That reminds me of the REAL most annoying thing about Miamians (like Gus Garcia-Roberts): They don't know anything about Miami, so they hate on it and make buffoons of themselves.

Fred
Fred

You forgot peeing on the toilet seat, but you would have to be a woman to appreciate that one. There's nothing like spending an entire vacation "sitting down" only to return to the Miami airport and being greeted by a toilet seat with urine all over it. 

amazinjess
amazinjess

10 things New Yorkers need to do/stop doing asap:

1. Stop talking about how much you HATE (enter whatever city you are at or that you are talking about) and how great New York is;

2.  Learn how to drive!  We all know you have a great transit system on that little island but EVERYWHERE else outside of Manhattan you have to know how to change lanes and parallel park!

3. Scarves in hot weather is not chic, lmao.

4. Manners - learn them.  I had a new yorker come with us to a friends birthday trip and she proceeded to insult our mutual friends’ boyfriends job as well as act way too good for anything and everything.  All in all its boring and typical and that’s why her fiancé left her!

5. Please go do sunless tanning - you are all so pale I thought I was in a Twilight movie and it’s not attractive.

6. Clean that city up!  Its disgustingly dirty! And It smells!

7. Be good to your people!  Last time I went to New York the toll for the bridges were ridiculous, government is supposed to protect its people not rip them off!

8. Stay in New York if it’s the best city in the world (see number 1)

9. Stop having a monopoly on baseball, I see you are working on that this season lol.

10. Please eat a hamburger every now and then bones jutting out is not attractive.

Drogriguez
Drogriguez

My favorite is:  LEARN THAT THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING CARS NOT DRIVING AT A GLACiAL PACE

Miami
Miami

Wow, first of all these "Miamians" that you speak of are not even from here. Im actually from here and do not even think about doing any of these things. And second these so called "annoying" habits happen everywhere. Lol. What a joke.

Christopher76
Christopher76

I agree with all of them, I would love people to not do any of these things.  But I see these things (if not other annoying things) in most cities not just Miami.

moretroops
moretroops

Stop throwing your gum on the sidewalk. Go dowtown and look at the countless black marks on our new sidewalks.  Disgusting.  And it doesn't help that the City doesn't bother to clean it up, ever.   People here simply don't care. 

Parolex
Parolex

I agree with most of these, but you left out:11) Turning EVERY arts or cultural event into a Reggaeton concert!

Christina Mob Pereyra
Christina Mob Pereyra

i think you're racist. i encounter rude & disrespectful people of all color on a regular basis, many of them white; thinking they're better than others because of their skin color. you & your ignorance just proved my point.

Cbrad
Cbrad

this guy actually lives here in Miami, the entitlement describes it perfectly.

Rob
Rob

And parents that bring their children out on the town after midnight. Hire a babysitter.

Guest
Guest

Sure, sunless tanning is a great idea if you want to look old before your time (not to mention the whole cancer thing). It may shock you, but some of us native Miamians avoid tanning on purpose because there are plenty of YOU guys walking around with leathery, wrinkled chests and sun-spotted hands to remind us why it's a good idea. 

Mikemike
Mikemike

wow, number 1 is so true ny'ers always bragging about how great nyc its soooo annoying.question is if nyc is so great why did you move in the first place...

iv:xx
iv:xx

People that cut you off on the expressway to go 50mph while texting...

iv:xx
iv:xx

You forgot a few...

Angrily bashing articles not meant to serve any other purpose than to give u something to kill time with and possibly laugh at.

Believing ur a "representative" for all Miamians, you're just as bad as the rest of these arrogant tools...

GusGarciaRoberts
GusGarciaRoberts

Yeah right, you just typed that on your phone while swerving along I-195 and throwing a bag of dog poop out your window.

Delila
Delila

How exactly does *sunless* tanning make ones skin look old and prone to cancer?

Guest
Guest

Tanning beds count as sunless tanning. Frying from something other than the sun.

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