Dolphins Fall To 0-4: It's Suck For Luck Time!

Categories: Sports
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The Miami Dolphins did that thing again where they play like their scrotums are stapled to their thighs, this time losing 26-16 to the San Diego Chargers. In the process, they lost Chad Henne to a shoulder injury, forcing backup Matt Moore to step in and do exactly what Henne's been doing: namely, sucking balls. Because that's just how we roll around here.

Miami is now 0-4 and have officially entered the Andrew Luck sweepstakes which, even if they do happen to win, we're pretty sure they'll find a way to fuck that up. Bags-of-ass football starts here!

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The Rundown:

- Chad Henne's injury happened on the same exact field that ended Chad Pennington's season last year. That Qualcomm Stadium is a menace!

- Did you see what happened to the Dallas Cowboys yesterday? Bill Parcells had a hand in building that shit organization too! Bill Parcells is a cockhat.

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- At this point there really is nothing else to do but join in on the Suck For Luck campaign. At 0-4, the season is officially in the shitter. Might as well tank this thing and position ourselves to draft the best quarterback prospect since Peyton Manning. Luck has all the tools to be a star: Arm strength, vision, leadership, mobility, and accuracy. Also, his neck beard is pretty fucking epic!

While we've watched these shitbags eke out seven to eight wins every year, teams like the Bills and Lions have shot to the top with dynamic coaches and players.

We have NONE of that shit.

There's no better chance to tank the season than now.

Or we can win a few games, feel really terrific about ourselves, get the 14th overall pick in the draft, and continue to cripple our franchise with shitty players for another several decades. FINS4LIFE, BRO.


- Despite doing everything he can to get fired, including the 0-4 start, sources are saying Sparano is going to remain the coach for now. Tony Sparano is George Costanza!

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Miami Dolphins head coach, Tony Sparano
- Brandon Marshall continues to drop sure-fire touchdowns. When he was in Denver, Marshall was catching TDs at an insane clip and making a name for himself as one of the most feared receivers in the league with great hands and great yards-after-the-catch plays. Then he comes to Miami, and suddenly he treats every pass like someone picked up a raccoon and threw it at him. The fuck, Brandon?

- Watching Tony Sparano going APESHIT over field goals makes me want to high five him in the crotch with a bar stool.

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- The Dolphins safety situation is atrocious and there is virtually zero pressure on the opposing quarterback. Those are pretty much THE ESSENTIALS when it comes to a successful defense. Yeremiah Bell can't cover for shit, and Cam Wake is the only consistent pass rusher on our D-line. Defensive coordinator Mike Nolan might as well be calling plays with a Korean hooker sitting on his face. Or maybe.... HE ALREADY IS??

- Always fun to jump on twitter and see Dolphins players tell everyone how things are gonna be just fine. It's like live-tweeting from the Titanic. 

"We'll B fine Dolfans. Thnx 4 yr support. We gone turn this around. God is Great. HOLY SHIT NOLAN CAROL JUST BURST INTO FLAMES! LOL smh"

- Fun Fact: Matt Moore led the Carolina Panthers to the number one overall pick last year. Of all the free agents signed by Jeff Ireland, Matt Moore has to be his most genius yet! Well played, ginger shithead. Well played.

- Waffledicks!

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The Dolphins are off on a Bye week next week. The Bye week is favored by 19.5 points.


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17 comments
Sad Dolfan
Sad Dolfan

"It's like live tweeting from the Titanic" -Hahaha perfect. 2-14, 2 wins over the Jets. #1 pick. Luck. Tits!

Zacharywano
Zacharywano

dued you say it like it is! and i love it! i'm a dolphan but dam it's just too sad...... preseason i actually thought we had a chance but guess what? dolphans always got a way in disappointing people huh?i'm all for suck for luck but we HAVE to improve this defense! when you thought of the Miami dolphins 4 years ago you thought of almost a modern ravens defense. they need to hire Zach Thomas as a linebacker coach and get this shame that is a dolphins de running. the offense of coarse looks like a sad excuse for a college offense, marshall can catch worth crap and henne, who many thought would have been exiled by now is still eeking out moderate passes but when it comes to redzone plays hikes the ball and gets in the fetal position! it's a shame after the 10-6 season i thought we left all of this behind us..... thanks san diego we had the answer in chad pennington but you just gotta injure our qb's dont you?

Mikael Haggard
Mikael Haggard

From Indy,you can't have him,we will outsuck you

LouSanis
LouSanis

"Mike Nolan calls plays like a Korean hooker is sitting on his face."that was Hemingway-esque.

Bravo, brafuckingvo!

Rynowats
Rynowats

I just took a dump and it was more interesting than the dolphins season. I am a fins fan, but this shit is getting real old!

Ddearmond29
Ddearmond29

Roflmao this is so dam funny but true I hope we go 0-16 and get luck but like you said they will mess that up to and draft some o-line or d-line instead of a must need at qb cause that's how bill and Tony roll let's build a team around the line but we have no d-line anymore everytime we get a good player there traded away wes-welker? What a great move that was lol

DCFinsFan
DCFinsFan

Absolutely hilarious!!! We're fckin pathetic!! ARGH!!!! Go Phins!

Cj3
Cj3

Lmao! 100% real ! That's exactly how I feel , this team n org. Are a bunch of fu#%in clowns, i bet when we arrived @ other cities The Clown song must come on. We re a joke . Let's hope we lose n get Luck

George Kenhan
George Kenhan

I get why the Dolphins dont get any INT's ,Recievers are so wide open that unless they can stretch the arms like the Fantastic Four they will never INT anybody.Cameron Wake is working his ass off trying to get to the QB's but our secondary dont even give him a chance.How could our D suck so much this year they were 5th best defense last yr. Is it our D coordinator that needs to be fired ?

T.A.
T.A.

Epic rant, Dude!

All aboard the #Suck4Luck bandwagon.

/waffledick

Hashim305
Hashim305

Andrew Luck is a 4th year Junior. There's always the possibility he decides to return to Stanford for his final year.

J.
J.

I do not like the language you use.  That said I have to agree with most of what you are trying to say.  I would however put most of the blame on Jeff Ireland.  tallent is his responsibility.  We have very little of that on the field.How does bringing in Dallas washouts make any sense at all??? I would also make a change in the stength and conditioning staff as Miami has not been able to compete for 4 quarters of football for many years.

George Kenhan
George Kenhan

Marshall looks like T.Owens of old ,racking up a lot of yards,but dropping passes when you need Him!!! Please get him the hell off this team. Dolphins could be 2-2 if  Marshall wouldntdrop TD passes.Dolphins are so Dumb they will find a way to screw up getting Andrew Luck.

Fernie B
Fernie B

4-12.... 5th pick or something...if we try to tank things we probably win more games.....

glass slipper
glass slipper

 yOU wROTE ThAT pOsT aS IF A kOREan hooKER iS siTTiNG oN YOUr FaCe.

Sad Dolfan
Sad Dolfan

Come on, you have Manning. Draft Barkley! We NEED Luck.

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