Insanely Ugly Animatronic Home-Run Sculpture Unveiled for Marlins Stadium

Categories: Sports
marlinshr.jpg
You thought the Marlins' rumored new logo could cause eye cancer? Well, if you value your sense of sight, you might not want to take a peek at the absolutely insane robotic structure the Marlins plan to install in their new stadium. It's like someone vomited a bunch of cliché South Florida imagery on a Guy Harvery shirt after a rough night on South Beach and then motorized it. 


Here it is in GIF form, via SBNation:



This is not some sort of joke. A video was unveiled on the Facebook page of the Miami-Dade County Department of Cultural Affairs in July, but because apparently no one pays attention to the Facebook page of the Miami-Dade County Department of Cultural Affairs, the eyesore wasn't noticed until now. However, the page does describe it as a "design development," so there's at least some hope the thing could be tweaked before it becomes a reality.

Back in 2009, Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria, an art dealer by trade, announced he'd commission three artists to design features for the new park in conjunction with the county's Art in Public Places program. 

According to an MLB.com article at the time, Nashville-born, New York-based artist Red Grooms would be charged with "designing a spectacular signature home-run feature that will be in the center-field area... His display will incorporate water, lasers, sound effects, and caricatures of Marlins."

This is what he apparently came up with. 

"When you're in that ballpark, and a Marlins' player hits a home run, the whole park is going to come alive with this feature," said Michael Spring, director of the Miami-Dade Department of Cultural Affairs. "Lasers will go off. It's going to be fabulous."

We can assure you, Mr. Spring, this is far from fabulous. Only easily amused small children, people on psychotropic substances, and our tacky aunt Linda who wears Chico's and Quacker Factory sweaters would classify this as "fabulous."

This is the kind of tackiness that makes us appreciate Britto. 

The good news is that the doohickey goes off only after home runs, and if the team continued playing like it has in the past few years, we wouldn't see it that often. Unfortunately, the team is very likely looking to beef up its roster. Assuming, of course, this structure doesn't scare any self-respecting players away. 

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55 comments
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Damian
Damian

Ugh, that's just gross.  Please...only hit home runs in away games.

fish fan
fish fan

This is pretty damn uggla...ha! Go Marlins!

moron
moron

So you come online and diss a sport that you admit bores you and you don't even follow or pay attention to? Why bother? Thanks for the ignorance

glass slipper
glass slipper

Why does the Marlin at the very top of this fabulous ice cream sundae keep spinning around like he is brain damaged?

Stephen Scott
Stephen Scott

That "home run' sculpture is the ugliest piece of shit I have ever seen. What the hell is going on? It's beyond any level of comprehension that ANYONE would actaully take credit for designing the damn thing. You have be on LSD and be blind to think that ass ugly 'thing" is cool. WTF !

BillyC
BillyC

Of course art is totally subjective. To me, it looks hideous. To spend 2 12 million dollars on this is insanity. Think how that money could have gone to helping a non-profit or something instead.

Ryan12193
Ryan12193

im at a complete loss of words.I havent seen something this horrible in my life. Tell me what this has to do with baseball at all. U have three friggin marlins on the lousy piece of crap and the rest of it has nothing to do with baseball or the team at all. What does a flamingo have to do with anything. Look I get we r trying to play up to the city of miami and put "artwork" in the stadium but maybe something relating to the team, or better yet, baseball in general would be a smarter idea. Horrible, just like loria and every decision he makes.

JohnnyS
JohnnyS

This is obviously from the Swap Shop.

Marc Medios
Marc Medios

This is for real? Really? I thought it was a photoshop joke

Anon
Anon

what do you mean, ugly.  this is stunning, this is amazing. why are you hating, new times?

>>  Only [...] people on psychotropic substances [...]  would classify this as "fabulous."

oh.  well nevermind then. 

but i do greatly enjoy that a high-ranking official said, "lasers will go off. it's going to be fabulous."

this is miami through and through.

http://grooveshark.com/#/s/Mia...

Kyle's Friend
Kyle's Friend

yeah right!!! as if kyle muzenreider isn't on psychotropic substances? i smoked a blunt with him last week at bardot and this weekend we are gonna take my boat out to stiltville and trip mushrooms with all our homies!

Oscar
Oscar

Hey glenn61,

Maybe you've never heard of the Marlins Mermaids? They were the first ever all female dance squad of the MLB! I have the distinct pleasure of meeting them myself, and one of many reasons why I stand behind the Marlins through thick & thin!

Carlosm
Carlosm

Hilarious article! Your right it looks like a Santa Barbara shrine! Does anyone approve these things???

loveboat2010
loveboat2010

The taxpayers paid for the stadium so the Marlins can "pimp my stadium"  disgusting money they well end up making on the backs of the Miami Taxpayers.

P_Nis
P_Nis

This is a joke right?  This shit looks like it belongs in a chinese buffet in the middle of opa locka.

Paul Hernandez
Paul Hernandez

 They can have the manatees in tutus and the hialeah park flamingos filling seats, with animatronic marlins jumping all over the stadium, as long as they win, IDGAF.

Marlins steal
Marlins steal

The Canadian who owns the Marlins, Jeffrey Loria, is a used art dealer. He got the Miami-Dade County elected officials to divert over $3 BILLION to build him a new stadium and garage. Loria bought some"art" using $7.5 MILLION from the taxpayers and he took a nice fat commission for himself.

That is why Loria has a $40 mil house in Southhampton, NY and you don't.

Pumpsiegreen
Pumpsiegreen

Loria is a native NYC dirtbag who stole the Montreal Expos from his partners.then was give the Marlins by Bud Selig in a swap with MLB back in 2001..the Expos became the Wahington Nationals..he has continued to be sucessful getting what he wants using OTHER Peoples Money, first with MLB, now with the tourist taxpayers of Dade County.

danno
danno

The worst part is that 2 and a half million was blown on this gimmick. 

Marlins suck
Marlins suck

Taxpayers are forced to pay over $3 BILLION for the Marlins Stadium and Garage. The Marlins claimed they were so broke they even got the taxpayers to lend them money to pay rent.

Some Marlins home games attract only 300 paying customers.

Henry Williams
Henry Williams

Looks like it's from the cover of a Jimi Hendrix album. Maybe Axis Bold as Love?

Rosa Hill
Rosa Hill

1) Barf2) Nice to see the artist isn't from Miami... or even South Florida! Surprise! Surprise!

Jason
Jason

we could've gotten a britto sculpture for mad cheap, son!!!

Fat Hand
Fat Hand

I love this monstrosity...wouldn't change a thing about it. I can't stop looking at it and smiling. Well done Marlins.

Guest
Guest

hahaha at some point you have to give up and laugh. a lisa frank design would be an improvement. can't wait to see stanton try to light that up. 

MyraWexler
MyraWexler

This makes me so SAD.  It is UBER Ridiculous!!!  What an embarrassment.

Guest
Guest

This is for real. Look at the interior webcam of the new stadium. You'll see the steel frame for this abortion. 

RoccoGrimaldiHatesTits
RoccoGrimaldiHatesTits

I think when Mr. Spring says it's "fabulous" he means it in the effete 'fabulous', which is an apt description of the thing. 

So to recap for the Miami Marlins first season; a new stadium made reality by shady dealings/corrupt politics, a garish new logo, a loud-mouth hispanic manager, and now this hideously tacky bit of 'art'... yes, this is definitely Miami. 

Cubaray
Cubaray

Hey, you're right about all of it. And I believe professional sports has been reduced to a WWE wrestling-level of bombast, however, your argument doesn't need to mention the manager's race to make the point.

Mrs. Eddie
Mrs. Eddie

Not to mention the disgusting manatees dancing.  The writer described it perfectly, it is a robotic bunch of vomit.

Benny Blanco
Benny Blanco

actually, kyle munzenrieder is the robotic vomit!!!!!!

MarkNetr98676
MarkNetr98676

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Trekpixel
Trekpixel

Kyle Muzenrieder is the biggest Marlin hater on the New Times staff ( a very competitive title as all the staff hate the Marlins). I say if the Marlins get into the 2012 playoffs, have this poor sucker throw out the first pitch.

Benny Blanco
Benny Blanco

he is also among one of the biggest britto haters on the staff.  what happened kyle, did he touch you inappropriately?!  lol haha you WISH!!!!! jealous much??! instead of being a petulant whiny loser about things that are actually trying to help the community, maybe support them?  would it kill you to press pause on the flight facilities ep you just illegally downloaded and think that maybe people want to read optimistic things about the county ALSO in addition to all the miserable pathetic shit that we have to read about everyday???!  why talk trash about the marlins and britto? because they are easy targets and you can't think of anything more clever? 

glass slipper
glass slipper

That piece of shit "robotic structure" looks like something some gayassed hebe thought up while overdosing on whipped cream and melted Baby Ruth bars.

 The Marlins will continue to suck and so does this whole idea especially how paying some cuban to park in his front yard is part of the parking "plan", how fucking stupid and cheap...just like the kike owner and his creepy midget son in law or whatever the fuck he his.

AL
AL

You said it right Trekpixel... This guy is a total a---hole...

Miamiroadster
Miamiroadster

It's better than some of the pieces I see in Wynwood that you guys call "art".

JohnnyS
JohnnyS

^ I bet this guy LOVES Jimmy Buffet.

Jules Winnfield
Jules Winnfield

Difference is the art at Wynwood is supposed to reflect the idea of a specific artist, this sculpture is supposed to represent a professional sports institution. If you represent the skill of your team in the form of a giant Key West souvenir, what does that say about you?

Ashley
Ashley

Art is in the eye of the beholder, dickhead.

Ryan12193
Ryan12193

uve got to be kidding if u like this. Its for a baseball team and theres not a single baseball thing in it. This just embaressing

bigken79
bigken79

lmao...everything in wynwood is art.

Sir Sausage
Sir Sausage

The surrounding area is also full of great art exhibits

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