Miami Dolphins: The Suckiest Bunch of Sucks That Ever Sucked A Suck

​Watching the Miami Dolphins is like opening a gift and expecting something other than a box full of dicks. And that box full of dicks is now 0-5 after a 24-6 loss to their hated rival New York Jets on Monday Night Football.

So the bad news is, the Dolphins remain winless and are in last place in the AFC East. The good news is, they're in first place in the Suck For Luck sweepstakes, and in the hearts of box-of-dicks enthusiasts everywhere!

The Rundown:

- Some people are all in on the Suck For Luck thing. Like this asshole. But there's a good number of Dolphins fans out there who refuse to get on the Suck For Luck bandwagon. These people need to be slapped in the face with Cameron Wake's penis. I get loyalty. But when your team is 0-5, plays like wet shit, has a coach who refuses to use his time outs, and have had a carousel of quarterbacks that play football like a turtle fucking a shoe, it's time to break precedent and look for change. What's winning 3 or 4 games going to bring us? But yes, by all means, let's blindly continue to root for this team to win what now amounts to meaningless games so we can get that coveted 11th pick of the draft and watch the Indianapolis Colts take Luck and dominate the NFL for another 16 years. It all makes perfect sense!

- There's an entire generation out there that have never seen the Dolphins not suck. Blows the mind, it does.

- Tony Sparano flat out refuses to use his time-outs properly. It's like he knows they're there to be used at his discretion as a means to help his football team win. But he simply just doesn't give a shit. "Fuck it, they're gonna fire me at any moment now. I'm gonna use my timeouts as I see fit. See dis timeout? It's a hat now. Hey! Looka me. I gotta timeout hat whattayaknow."

- Another thing to look at  with this game: The Jets look fucking awful. Their quarterback sucks. Their offensive line sucks. Even their defense looks putrid. Sure Darelle Revis had a big game, but that's only because Matt Moore apparently has the Jets D on his fantasy team. The Jets are 3-3 and while the score suggests blowout, the actual strained effort to win this game for New York was not unlike a Rex Ryan bowel movement. If we can somehow manage not to fuck things up and end up with Andrew Luck, or, hell, even Landry Jones, they'll still be stuck with Nacho as their quarterback.

That's right, Jets fans. Serenity now, insanity later.



- Feeling blue? Life's got you down? Your quarterback just threw an endzone interception returned for a 101-yard touchdown? Don't fret. POUNCEY FLIP!!

- Reggie Bush left the game with an injured neck. HOW'S LaMONTELLE PUSSYHAMMER GONNA PLEASURE THE LADIES NOW, DAMMIT??

​- Stephen Ross says he wants a superstar coach and recognizes the benefits of getting Andrew Luck. As it stands now, the Dolphins have eleven more games to go. Yes this team is bad. But why chance it? Ross should trade a few of the good players remaining for draft picks, then hire a La Quinta housekeeping lady to be our coach. Just until season's end, of course.

​- The Dolphins host the Tim Tebow-led Broncos this week. It's also Gators Day at the stadium. The Gators National Champions team will be honored for some reason, marking the first time an NFL franchise has ever honored the opposing team's starting quarterback. We just excel at being complete fuckups.

...sad

.......sad

.............sad

POUNCEY FLIP!!!



- Speaking of the Broncos, they currently have one win. And they just traded away their best receiver and have all but given up on their quarterback. John Elway runs the football operations in Denver. John Elway went to Stanford and regularly attends games. You don't think that horse-faced dipshit doesn't want Andrew Luck? He's practically doing everything in his power to land the guy. We need a counterstrike. Someone take a bat to Dan Carpenter's knee!!

​- Even after that shit show last night, Tony Sparano's job is still apparently safe. This is good news for Suck For Luckers everywhere. As long as he keeps treating time-outs like they've been mojoed with a voodoo hex, keeps punting on fourth and inches, keeps having explosions in his pants over field goals, and keeps telling reporters that all the answers are in watching even more game film, everything will be just fine. Fine as in, we'll keep sucking.

- BOOM:

Dolphins host the Gators Broncos this Sunday. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.

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