Miami Dolphins: The Suckiest Bunch of Sucks That Ever Sucked A Suck

Categories: Sports
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Watching the Miami Dolphins is like opening a gift and expecting something other than a box full of dicks. And that box full of dicks is now 0-5 after a 24-6 loss to their hated rival New York Jets on Monday Night Football.

So the bad news is, the Dolphins remain winless and are in last place in the AFC East. The good news is, they're in first place in the Suck For Luck sweepstakes, and in the hearts of box-of-dicks enthusiasts everywhere!

The Rundown:

- Some people are all in on the Suck For Luck thing. Like this asshole. But there's a good number of Dolphins fans out there who refuse to get on the Suck For Luck bandwagon. These people need to be slapped in the face with Cameron Wake's penis. I get loyalty. But when your team is 0-5, plays like wet shit, has a coach who refuses to use his time outs, and have had a carousel of quarterbacks that play football like a turtle fucking a shoe, it's time to break precedent and look for change. What's winning 3 or 4 games going to bring us? But yes, by all means, let's blindly continue to root for this team to win what now amounts to meaningless games so we can get that coveted 11th pick of the draft and watch the Indianapolis Colts take Luck and dominate the NFL for another 16 years. It all makes perfect sense!

- There's an entire generation out there that have never seen the Dolphins not suck. Blows the mind, it does.

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- Tony Sparano flat out refuses to use his time-outs properly. It's like he knows they're there to be used at his discretion as a means to help his football team win. But he simply just doesn't give a shit. "Fuck it, they're gonna fire me at any moment now. I'm gonna use my timeouts as I see fit. See dis timeout? It's a hat now. Hey! Looka me. I gotta timeout hat whattayaknow."

- Another thing to look at  with this game: The Jets look fucking awful. Their quarterback sucks. Their offensive line sucks. Even their defense looks putrid. Sure Darelle Revis had a big game, but that's only because Matt Moore apparently has the Jets D on his fantasy team. The Jets are 3-3 and while the score suggests blowout, the actual strained effort to win this game for New York was not unlike a Rex Ryan bowel movement. If we can somehow manage not to fuck things up and end up with Andrew Luck, or, hell, even Landry Jones, they'll still be stuck with Nacho as their quarterback.

That's right, Jets fans. Serenity now, insanity later.



- Feeling blue? Life's got you down? Your quarterback just threw an endzone interception returned for a 101-yard touchdown? Don't fret. POUNCEY FLIP!!

- Reggie Bush left the game with an injured neck. HOW'S LaMONTELLE PUSSYHAMMER GONNA PLEASURE THE LADIES NOW, DAMMIT??

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- Stephen Ross says he wants a superstar coach and recognizes the benefits of getting Andrew Luck. As it stands now, the Dolphins have eleven more games to go. Yes this team is bad. But why chance it? Ross should trade a few of the good players remaining for draft picks, then hire a La Quinta housekeeping lady to be our coach. Just until season's end, of course.

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- The Dolphins host the Tim Tebow-led Broncos this week. It's also Gators Day at the stadium. The Gators National Champions team will be honored for some reason, marking the first time an NFL franchise has ever honored the opposing team's starting quarterback. We just excel at being complete fuckups.

...sad

.......sad

.............sad

POUNCEY FLIP!!!



- Speaking of the Broncos, they currently have one win. And they just traded away their best receiver and have all but given up on their quarterback. John Elway runs the football operations in Denver. John Elway went to Stanford and regularly attends games. You don't think that horse-faced dipshit doesn't want Andrew Luck? He's practically doing everything in his power to land the guy. We need a counterstrike. Someone take a bat to Dan Carpenter's knee!!

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- Even after that shit show last night, Tony Sparano's job is still apparently safe. This is good news for Suck For Luckers everywhere. As long as he keeps treating time-outs like they've been mojoed with a voodoo hex, keeps punting on fourth and inches, keeps having explosions in his pants over field goals, and keeps telling reporters that all the answers are in watching even more game film, everything will be just fine. Fine as in, we'll keep sucking.

- BOOM:

Dolphins host the Gators Broncos this Sunday. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.

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33 comments
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Wcgnoonie
Wcgnoonie

this was one of the best sports piece i have ever read

robcypher
robcypher

It's great being a Steelers fan. 6 SB Rings and you never have to hope that your team loses all of its game just to take a gamble on next year's #1 draft pick.

GO STEELERS

Penguins_dont_exist
Penguins_dont_exist

Best damn article.... EVER! I do very much agree with you because I have been rooting for our team to lose since day 1. The only problem is, yea sure, we can go winless and then get first draft pick. Unfortunately, our team is led by a bunch of retards that can not even choose between a god and a overwhelming stack of feces that is our team. I HOPE, we do something right this time. It's Suck For Luck TIME!

ellister1
ellister1

Man this is hilarious.  I gave up on the dolphins more than a few years ago.  Get that Sparano loser out of there. A La Quinta housekeeper would be an improvement.

Benglish007
Benglish007

Go Broncos!! I hope all the Dolphins fans out there are happy with Brandon Marshall! haha

Matthew10
Matthew10

not really hes a asshole dick who needs to leave his talk on the field not the media

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

My prediction: The Awfulfins will finish 0-16 and put themselves in a great position to acquire the first draft pick of the 2012 NFL Draft. Just looking at Miami's schedule, I do not see a single game that the Awfulfins will actually pull out a win. I mean, this is a tough schedule they have here. If Jacksonville were on their schedule then MAYBE. But I do not see another alternative. Not even 1 win. Yes, the Awfulfins will join the 1976 Bucs and the 2008 Lions as the other two defeated teams. As if that awful 2007 team wasn't bad enough. That doesn't necessarily mean they will grab a QB, because, well, this team always fucks up in the draft since forever. As a ex-native of Miami, I can honestly say the Awfulfins are a true embarrassment of a team to root for. At least since Marino retired.

Matthew10
Matthew10

im a dolphin not awfullfin fan but for the most part i agree with u we have a horrible schedual and i do believe we will not draft the qb i want so badly it sucks being a true fan for this team but there will come a time where we will be good again

Richard Grunwell
Richard Grunwell

Prediction: The Dolphins will be the second team to complete a 16-game regular season winless.

Matthew10
Matthew10

no no we will be the first team to be undefeated and winless

A real fan
A real fan

You'll never get it. Its not about winning, its not about ruling the NFL for 20 years, its about having pride or not.And you, Mr. Joseph, obviously have none of it. You would probably trade your grandmother for  dollar.

Sad Dolfan
Sad Dolfan

Really? Well then, have fun hoping the team wins 4 games instead of 1! Will you be happy  if we go 7-9 again next season with a random mediocre QB again? 

It's just a game and this team is AWFUL. Get over it, it's not a big deal, hope for 1-15 and Andrew Luck and maybe we can become relevant again.

Matthew Earl
Matthew Earl

Hey puke face, actually IT IS about winning. You play the game to WIN not LOSE. If you believe in pulling for a team this bad then you should worship your own feces.

glass slipper
glass slipper

Lighten up Francis, this isn't about "pride" its about the suckass Dolphins and their horrible decisions in the last 10 years and longer.

 And with your goofyass owner , Mr. Orange Carpet, you can blame HIM for the laughingstock that they have become.

  "pride" is one of the 7 deadly sins.

Jimmy
Jimmy

There were a lot of positives in the game.  Brandon Fields played exceptionally well. 

Alextqla
Alextqla

Bravo .dolphins need to read this

glass slipper
glass slipper

LaMontelle Pussyhammer? I would not be suprised in the least if he uses that moniker.

GregfromDelray
GregfromDelray

Best New Times article ever. "Timeout Hat" is a goddamn stroke of genius.

Shivettez
Shivettez

this is one of the funniest and true articles ever. i laughed the whole time. thanks

Cody
Cody

best damn thing i have ever read...

Jon Malone
Jon Malone

Sucking for Luck Sucks (whether intentional or not)

John
John

Your nuts... It's Luck or Nothing

T.A.
T.A.

...is Indifferent Emo Dolphins Fan related to Poutey Diabeetus-faced Cutler???

T.A.
T.A.

Awesome write-up Dude.  And I love how you worked in both the NYT piece and DRK's girl-voiced POUNCEY FLIP.  

Gatlin Treuheit
Gatlin Treuheit

Honestly the funny sports reporter I have ever read. Love it

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