Kim Kardashian's Next Husband Is Gonna Be...

Categories: Luke's Gospel
lukesgospel.jpg
Luther "Luke" Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke has some relationship advice for Kim Kardashian.

It shouldn't surprise anyone interested in celebrity culture that Kim Kardashian is making a mockery of marriage. She's just following the Hollywood playbook used by other star divas, from Elizabeth Taylor to Madonna to Jennifer Lopez. All of them think marriage is a joke.

They are the reason the divorce rate is out of control in this country. You get married, split up, and move onto the next hot celebrity on your "I do" list. Kardashian is on hubby number two.

She accused the first, record producer Damon Thomas, of beating her and keeping her from her family after he filed to divorce her in 2003. Last year, in an interview with a gossip magazine, Thomas claimed his ex "is obsessed with fame" and "would step on anyone in order to get where she wanted."

Now she is allegedly talking things out with estranged husband Kris Humphries. It is two weeks after she filed for divorce, which came only 72 days after she was paid millions to put on a wedding spectacle.

Every day, there's a new episode of "As the Kardashian Turns." And gossip mongers like TMZ, Us Weekly, and Access Hollywood gobble it up. I wouldn't be shocked if she reconciles with Humphries so she can get pregnant and then sell the first photos of their baby to the highest bidder.

But if things don't work out for Kim and Kris, here are a few single male stars who would certainly help her stay in the spotlight:

  • Justin Bieber: The teen crooner will be of legal age by March. Kim can solidify herself as the youngest cougar in Hollywood.
  • Marc Anthony: Sure, Kim would get J.Lo's sloppy seconds, but he is still part owner of the Miami Dolphins and the hottest Latin male singer on the market.
  • Tiger Woods: Kim has already made a sex tape, and he likes porn stars. Talk about a love connection.
  • Silvio Berlusconi: If there is anyone who knows how to survive most crises, it's the former Italian prime minister. Kim could certainly use some crisis management guidance and a man who truly appreciates women.

Follow Luther on Twitter at @unclelukereal1.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.
My Voice Nation Help
7 comments
Campbell613
Campbell613

Fallow me @luthercampbellJ on twitter, im jr (;

Carfunkle
Carfunkle

Uncle Luke, it's beneath you to even talk about this trash.  Don't get dragged into this swerage pit of celebrity worship.  No one gives a shit 'bout Kim Kardashian.ype your comment here.

Madge
Madge

Come on, Luke. You got 5 kids yourself. How many baby mommas is that? You don't have a lot of room to be commenting on other people's marriages.

Ralph
Ralph

Luther Campbell... :-D

Adry Schmadry
Adry Schmadry

I am surprised that Luke has chosen such a fickle non-topic for an article.  I understand that it's supposed to be funny, but there are so many other topics he could have addressed this week.  I hope he writes something worth reading next week.

Lukeisstupid
Lukeisstupid

You think hollywood is the reason half of Americans get divorced? 

Now Trending

Miami Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

General

Loading...