Dolphins Pummeled By Eagles, Still Need A Quarterback, Possibly a New Coach Too
The loss snaps a three-game home winning-streak by beating teams that were slightly shittier than them. The loss also probably means Tony Sparano will likely be fired any day now. But probably not, because this team is run by penis-brained jackasses.
- Miami Dolphins: FUCKERY STARTS HERE!
- Robert Griffin The Third won the Heisman on Saturday, which is fantastic. And, if all goes according to plan, we should have a legitimate shot at drafting him and his amazeballs Superman socks. And by "if all goes according to plan," I of course mean if he decides to forego his senior season and enter the NFL draft and if we have someone running our team that doesn't want to take a defensive tackle no one ever heard of and would clearly be there for the taking in the fifth round anyway. On a side note, I think we should petition the Dolphins to have a Punch Jeff Ireland In The Dick Day during halftime of one of our home games next year. It's like Gator Day, only more awesome.
- Meanwhile, Jake Long had to leave the game with a back injury. No doubt these assholes are going to rush The War Hammer back because you must have your franchise player in there at all times. Meaningless games are all bout it! I hope someone replaces Tony Sparano's Nutrisystem shake with deer piss.
- Can the Zombie Dolphins Fans shut their fucking taco holes once and for all? Matt Moore is NOT the long-term answer at quarterback, you cockrockets. Shocking, I know! Even before the Eagles cut his strings, The Puppet had only thrown for 95 yards. And while Moore's touchdown pass to Brandon Marshall was all nice and good, his sudden burst of accuracy mysteriously vanished with every pass thrown eight feet over his receivers' heads. There's a reason he couldn't hold down a job in college or the pros before landing his puppety ass down here. But, hey, we're the Miami Dolphins, where shitty journeyman quarterbacks come to be ordained Franchise Savior after a couple of wins against sub .500 teams!
- When Will Allen ripped Michael Vick's helmet off during the second quarter, two things crossed my mind: One, holy shit Michael Vick's head has been ripped off and now the Dolphins defense will use it to play Quiddich for the rest of the afternoon! And two: Allen is a fucking tool. Also, Vick's face after the play was pretty goddamn priceless -- a mixture of genuine fear for his own well being, and the sudden tang of stewing ass and damp ballsack wafting straight into his facemaskless nose. Look at that picture below. Tell me his expression isn't GEWWW!! SWEET JESUS DON'T LET TONY McDANIEL TEABAG MY FACE!
As a result, we've had three straight seasons of losing at least nine games. And this shitstick gets to keep his job? You think any potential new coach is going to want to work with that ginger dipshit? Shit and no. I get the whole Dick Personality he has with the media and players. GMs are supposed to be sharks. Ruthless and cutthroat. But this fucker is more like a honey badger, which is generally considered the biggest asshole in the animal kingdom.
Stephen Ross is quickly learning that his precious team is becoming irrelevant while the Heat and Marlins do things the right way. And spare me the "It's All Parcells' Fault" bullshit. Yes Parcells is mostly to blame for this massive pile of dogshit we call a team. But Ireland has been here the whole time, scouting, reporting, and being a major part of the decision making. But Stephen Ross has somehow been duped into keeping this ass stain as our GM. Nice going, cuntfoot.
- Even after 4-9 there are still zombie Dolphins fans who will insist that all is well. That Matt Moore is the answer. That Tony Sparano needs to stay (there's an actual fan movement for this). That Jeff Ireland is good at his job. These people need to have the shit beat out of them with a pillowcase filled with bars of soap.
- No doubt the Dolphins have at least one more win in them. And this will only encourage the zombies. They can't be stopped. Can't be reasoned with. This team is just fine and all is well. And they fucking LOVE to throw idiotic stats at you, like LeSean McCoy was held to 1.1 rushing yards all day by our defense (that gave up 26 points and got shredded by Mike Vick's corpse)! To which I always respond in kind by telling them to go fuck themselves with a pickle jar.
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