Dolphins Pummeled By Eagles, Still Need A Quarterback, Possibly a New Coach Too

Categories: Sports
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​The Philadelphia Eagles helped head coach Andy Reid win the Mustachioed Overweight Coach Who Has Overstayed His Welcome Bowl when they blew away the Dolphins 26-10 yesterday. The Dolphins have ensured themselves their third straight losing season, falling to 4-9, and remain dead-last in the AFC East even though everyone swore they were good now and their first seven losses really shouldn't be counted because it's not fair.

The loss snaps a three-game home winning-streak by beating teams that were slightly shittier than them. The loss also probably means Tony Sparano will likely be fired any day now. But probably not, because this team is run by penis-brained jackasses.

The Rundown:

- Miami Dolphins: FUCKERY STARTS HERE!

- Robert Griffin The Third won the Heisman on Saturday, which is fantastic. And, if all goes according to plan, we should have a legitimate shot at drafting him and his amazeballs Superman socks. And by "if all goes according to plan," I of course mean if he decides to forego his senior season and enter the NFL draft and if we have someone running our team that doesn't want to take a defensive tackle no one ever heard of and would clearly be there for the taking in the fifth round anyway. On a side note, I think we should petition the Dolphins to have a Punch Jeff Ireland In The Dick Day during halftime of one of our home games next year. It's like Gator Day, only more awesome.

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- The Eagles totaled nine sacks against the Dolphins offensive line. These dipshits have had three years to fix this vomitorium of an o-line, and have given us nothing but guys the Dallas Cowboys deemed too shitty to protect a quarterback who habitually craps himself in the fourth quarter.

- Meanwhile, Jake Long had to leave the game with a back injury. No doubt these assholes are going to rush The War Hammer back because you must have your franchise player in there at all times. Meaningless games are all bout it! I hope someone replaces Tony Sparano's Nutrisystem shake with deer piss.

- Can the Zombie Dolphins Fans shut their fucking taco holes once and for all? Matt Moore is NOT the long-term answer at quarterback, you cockrockets. Shocking, I know! Even before the Eagles cut his strings, The Puppet had only thrown for 95 yards. And while Moore's touchdown pass to Brandon Marshall was all nice and good, his sudden burst of accuracy mysteriously vanished with every pass thrown eight feet over his receivers' heads. There's a reason he couldn't hold down a job in college or the pros before landing his puppety ass down here. But, hey, we're the Miami Dolphins, where shitty journeyman quarterbacks come to be ordained Franchise Savior after a couple of wins against sub .500 teams!

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- Holy cans of Campbell's Dick Soup JP Losman is awful. That dude should have been starting for us from the moment we signed him. Opera Man would have totally delivered us Andrew Luck and gotten everyone fired in one fell swoop.

- When Will Allen ripped Michael Vick's helmet off during the second quarter, two things crossed my mind: One, holy shit Michael Vick's head has been ripped off and now the Dolphins defense will use it to play Quiddich for the rest of the afternoon! And two: Allen is a fucking tool. Also, Vick's face after the play was pretty goddamn priceless -- a mixture of genuine fear for his own well being, and the sudden tang of stewing ass and damp ballsack wafting straight into his facemaskless nose. Look at that picture below. Tell me his expression isn't GEWWW!! SWEET JESUS DON'T LET TONY McDANIEL TEABAG MY FACE!

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- Hours after the game last night, Armando Salguero of the Miami Herald reported that Stephen Ross will fire Tony Sparano but will retain Jeff Ireland so he can continue to ruin our shit for another three years. That's bullshit. What kind of asinine assbrain decision is that? I'm all for giving Sparano the heave-ho. But you have to throw Ireland out along with Commander Fistpumps too. They are equally responsible for all this horsecockery. Since Ireland's been here, he's done nothing but churn out middling shitty drafts, starting with using high picks on the likes of Jared Odrick and Koa Misi, overvaluing players like Daniel Thomas, failing to find a suitable franchise quarterback while we wasted our goddamn time with the Chad Henne Experiment. And he famously asked Dez Bryant if his mother was a whore during a pre-draft interview.

As a result, we've had three straight seasons of losing at least nine games. And this shitstick gets to keep his job? You think any potential new coach is going to want to work with that ginger dipshit? Shit and no. I get the whole Dick Personality he has with the media and players. GMs are supposed to be sharks. Ruthless and cutthroat. But this fucker is more like a honey badger, which is generally considered the biggest asshole in the animal kingdom.

Stephen Ross is quickly learning that his precious team is becoming irrelevant while the Heat and Marlins do things the right way. And spare me the "It's All Parcells' Fault" bullshit. Yes Parcells is mostly to blame for this massive pile of dogshit we call a team. But Ireland has been here the whole time, scouting, reporting, and being a major part of the decision making. But Stephen Ross has somehow been duped into keeping this ass stain as our GM. Nice going, cuntfoot.

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- Rumors continue to fly that we might make a run for Peyton Manning when he gets booted from Indianapolis for Andrew Luck. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. Manning is awesome. But he also has a shitty gooseneck that could easily snap like a Chinese fortune cookie with a big hit from an opposing linebacker. I mean, the main reason he's not played this year is because he's been waiting for the nerves in his spine to regenerate. That's fucking insane! And with our shitty shit-shit-for luck, we just might be the first franchise in NFL history to have a player die during a game. Unless you count Pat White.

- Even after 4-9 there are still zombie Dolphins fans who will insist that all is well. That Matt Moore is the answer. That Tony Sparano needs to stay (there's an actual fan movement for this). That Jeff Ireland is good at his job. These people need to have the shit beat out of them with a pillowcase filled with bars of soap.

- No doubt the Dolphins have at least one more win in them. And this will only encourage the zombies. They can't be stopped. Can't be reasoned with. This team is just fine and all is well. And they fucking LOVE to throw idiotic stats at you, like LeSean McCoy was held to 1.1 rushing yards all day by our defense (that gave up 26 points and got shredded by Mike Vick's corpse)! To which I always respond in kind by telling them to go fuck themselves with a pickle jar.

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The Dolphins head to Buffalo next week for a 1 p.m. donnybrook between two shit teams. There's your fifth win, Zombies! 5-9! FINS 4 LIFE!! Weeeeeee!

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5 comments
Simpsongsehntr
Simpsongsehntr

That story is so beautiful it almost made me cry. Ireland has got to go! Us dolphin fans deserve better! We need someone with brass balls to take control of the situation for once, just once clean house!

Neil's ghost
Neil's ghost

Can someone get Ross the celebrity/sucker to sell the team to an owner who wants to win? Jeff Ireland is a drunk asshole. Bill Fartsmells fucked this team owner royally. Some genius. I think Sandusky blew his loads in Sparano's eyes. This team is cursed since they left the Orange Bowl.

Greg
Greg

Look at that pasty, shirt tucked into a pair of shorts with a belt, motherfucking, ginger....I have nothing clever to say. Just look at him.

Hurriphin302
Hurriphin302

I'd wager that we are more likely to get the Manning that threw 691 ints, his rookie year, than the one who threw 49 touchdowns, in an mvp year.That neck stuff is almost certain to affect his arm....

But hell, let's give up our next ten first round picks, for a guy who now has the damage resistance of a Mike & Ike.

Tom Olvidotti
Tom Olvidotti

Outstanding article-But to clarify on Peyton, I've had a similar neck fusion.  What it means is bone actually regrows in the weak spot.  It actually reinforces the spine, so worry not about a weak "goose neck"...now the nerves are a bit worrisome.  I believe his fusion is at C7...which is affecting his triceps.  But...the nerves aren't necessarily "regenerating", they're just bypassing the injury spot.  It should just affect the muscle....so..like any muscle, he should be able to re-strengthen it as normal.  Bottom line, if all goes well - Old Peyton can come back.

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