Dolphins Take Down Bills, Still In Last Place
With just two games left to play, the Fins victory brings their record to 5-9, putting the team on track for yet another 7-9 season. One of Dante's nine circles of hell is having your favorite football team finish 7-9 every year forever. True story!
- Holy shitsnacks the Buffalo Bills are horrible. Their offense failed to convert a first down, going 0-for-11. They were 0-12 when they played us a few weeks ago. That's 0-23 in first down conversions. It's like the Dolphins were playing against themselves in a parallel universe.
- Speaking of horrible: Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Homeless Professor threw three ball-obliterating interceptions yesterday, constantly overthrew his receivers, and had the accuracy of Stevie Wonder playing darts after a half dozen shots of tequila. Fitzpatrick has been downright mounds of zoo elephant shit shitty since he signed a big contract in October. He's thrown 8 touchdowns and 12 INTs since then. This is why you don't christen a guy who has been floating around from team to team his whole career "franchise savior" after a few good games. Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated and totally random and arbitrary note, Matt Moore -- who has played for the Cowboys and Panthers before the Dolphins -- threw for 217 yards and two touchdowns yesterday. FRANCHISE SAVIOR MUTHAFUCKAAAAAHHHHSSSSS!!!!
- Reggie Bush ran for 203 yards and a touchdown. During one run, he was able to stop mid-stride, spin, and keep running, completely fucking Buffalo safety George Wilson's shit up in the process. George Wilson, you've just been PUSSYHAMMER'D! A lot of people like to point out that Bush has been spectacular ever since Kim Kardashian divorced her fake husband. But being awesome when it matters the least is a team-wide thing. The Miami Dolphins: United in middling shitty football since 1999! Seriously though. After a career day like yesterday, how fast did Reggie want to get the fuck out of Buffalo to hit SoBe to celebrate? You know he's stocked up his mansion to properly celebrate:
- The Dolphins are no longer dead last in the AFC East. The Nazi Zombie Dolphins Fan should pop champagne like the '72 Dolphins.
- The Dolphins are slipping further and further away from being able to draft an elite quarterback with every win. Instead of watching the NFL Draft this April, I say we all staple our scrotums to our thighs.
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