Ten Helpful Hints to Make Sure Your Miami New Year's Eve Celebration Doesn't Result in Death or Tragedy
1. Do not fire your gun into the air on New Year's Eve. This seems like common sense, but every single friggin' year the local governments have to cobble together some campaign to make sure some idiot doesn't shot the sky with his pistol. Remember folks, what goes up must come down.
2. Actually, just wear one of those giant conical hats, except made out of Kevlar. It's a good way to protect yourself from any falling bullets. Plus, they'll probably be the biggest fashion trend of 2012 anyway.
3. Do not go to any extravagantly overpriced nightclub party. Not only do these inevitably end up being nothing but a douchefest that will make you die on the inside, but it's best to avoid a possible heart attack while looking at your bank account statement on Monday.
4. Keep a few condoms in your pocket. You never know who you're going to hook up with, and you don't want to spend 2012 refilling a Valtrex prescription.
5. Make sure you're surrounded by good friends, and keep an eye on each other. Don't be a cockblocker, but make sure everyone gets home safely.
6. Don't make any of the following New Year's resolutions: Doing more amateur space exploration, taking up giant python wrestling, nighttime beach ATV racing, start smoking (meth), losing 95 percent of your body mass, becoming an expert at dying.
7. Don't drink and drive.
8. Don't let your friends drink and drive.
9. Don't get in the car with someone who has been drinking.
10. Seriously! Do not combine the excess consumption of alcohol with motor vehicle operation under any circumstance.
Stay safe, and see you next year!
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