The Five Most Horrible and Absurd Cases of South Florida Animal Cruelty in 2011

Now why would somebody finger-bang a Chihuahua?

​Between the Santería sacrifices, the illegal slaughterhouses, and the general dumbfuck cruelty exhibited by our local human populace, it might be fair to declare South Florida the worst place in the nation to be an animal. And 2011 had some especially bizarre and horrible cases of mistreatment of local furry creatures. It's kind of funny to think that a couple of years ago, an evicted rooster was a cause celebre. Guess that was before it was conceivable that somebody would perform foreplay on a tiny Mexican dog.

Without further ado, the strangest and most outrageous examples of local animal abuse in the past year:

5. The Incredibly Cruel Hialeah Butchers: We've known for years that a cottage industry of illegal slaughterhouses was thriving in Miami. There was something almost romantic about it, as if the independent farmers were bypassing the factory farms and raising their animals the old-fashioned way. Gruesome undercover video shot by an animal activist exploded that romanticism. There was nothing quaint about the brutal and inefficient way these Hialeah butchers hammer-bludgeoned and stabbed a terrified hog or slowly sawed the head off a living cow. Here's hoping Rudy Acosta, Javier Estevanez, and Luis Cardoza are reincarnated as Miami farm animals.

​4. The Porn Star's Farm-in-a-Van: Raul Armenteros is better known to masturbation aficionados as "Ramon," his porn name. We've been told the man has a sizable organ that he uses well. But he penetrated the mainstream news cycle when cops busted him with 21 live animals -- eight roosters, four guinea hens, four pigeons, four goats, and one lonely duck -- locked in his hot van, some of them wrapped in garbage bags. When we visited the porn star on house arrest, he admitted all of those animals had been doomed for a "sacrifice."