Mitt Romney Is a Flip-Flopping Racist Cyborg (And 14 Other Reasons Florida Must Destroy Him)
Rick Perry has dropped out of the race and returned to Racial Slur Hideaway, Herman Cain is now making unwanted advances on his housecats, Rick Santorum's last name is a synonym for booty juice, and Newt Gingrich is an angry, sexed-up troll with facial hemorrhoids.
Even with Newt's victory in South Carolina, the smart money is on Mitt Romney to win Florida's GOP primary, and the Republican nod. Which might be the worst result of all. Because careful analysis reveals Romney is the Mormon cyborg replication of George W. Bush. And say what you want about Barack Obama's lily liver -- even Karl Rove doesn't want to return to an America of WMD hysteria and half-digested pretzels. Here, then, are our carefully chosen reasons why Mitt Romney should not be allowed near the White House even on a group tour.
1. He's a sneaky little tax cretin. Romney has fought releasing his tax records, and has admitted to paying a 15 percent rate -- less than your average middle-class cubicle dweller. He hides his wealth offshore. He said his earnings from speakers' fees are "not very much," but it turns out he made $375,000 babbling last year.
2. He Mao'd the 2002 Olympics. Romney won't shut up about how he saved the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics from the grips of harrowing Juarez-esque corruption and mismanagement. But does anybody remember how creepy he was during those games? He put his despotic likeness on official pins, for Christ's sake.
3. His face is generic. It's the Chrysler Sebring rental car of faces. If we were him, we'd start a boxing career pronto just to give it some freakin' character. Also, his stupid white sideburns are clearly deliberate and make us retch.
4. His holy prophet was a rock-seeking schizophrenic con man. Mormonism's OG, Joseph Smith, was a self-proclaimed magician who charged three bucks to find minerals in people's back yards. Sounds a lot like Romney's oil-drilling plan.
5. He flip-flops on abortion.
He experienced a "conversion" on the issue of abortion as he prepared to run for president and has pissed off both pro-life and pro-choice camps with his policies and statements. Do you love fetuses or not, Mittens?