Mitt Romney Is a Flip-Flopping Racist Cyborg (And 14 Other Reasons Florida Must Destroy Him)

Categories: Politicks

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Rick Perry has dropped out of the race and returned to Racial Slur Hideaway, Herman Cain is now making unwanted advances on his housecats, Rick Santorum's last name is a synonym for booty juice, and Newt Gingrich is an angry, sexed-up troll with facial hemorrhoids.

Even with Newt's victory in South Carolina, the smart money is on Mitt Romney to win Florida's GOP primary, and the Republican nod. Which might be the worst result of all. Because careful analysis reveals Romney is the Mormon cyborg replication of George W. Bush. And say what you want about Barack Obama's lily liver -- even Karl Rove doesn't want to return to an America of WMD hysteria and half-digested pretzels. Here, then, are our carefully chosen reasons why Mitt Romney should not be allowed near the White House even on a group tour.

1. He's a sneaky little tax cretin. Romney has fought releasing his tax records, and has admitted to paying a 15 percent rate -- less than your average middle-class cubicle dweller. He hides his wealth offshore. He said his earnings from speakers' fees are "not very much," but it turns out he made $375,000 babbling last year.

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2. He Mao'd the 2002 Olympics. Romney won't shut up about how he saved the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics from the grips of harrowing Juarez-esque corruption and mismanagement. But does anybody remember how creepy he was during those games? He put his despotic likeness on official pins, for Christ's sake.

3. His face is generic. It's the Chrysler Sebring rental car of faces. If we were him, we'd start a boxing career pronto just to give it some freakin' character. Also, his stupid white sideburns are clearly deliberate and make us retch.

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4. His holy prophet was a rock-seeking schizophrenic con man. Mormonism's OG, Joseph Smith, was a self-proclaimed magician who charged three bucks to find minerals in people's back yards. Sounds a lot like Romney's oil-drilling plan.

5. He flip-flops on abortion.
He experienced a "conversion" on the issue of abortion as he prepared to run for president and has pissed off both pro-life and pro-choice camps with his policies and statements. Do you love fetuses or not, Mittens?



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20 comments
LastDollarForLotto
LastDollarForLotto

This article is just and exercise in word processing antics.  There is no real information here but what isn't here is what most of us need to know:  Who is he why should I vote for him?  All he does him self is basterdise his opposition whether it's Obama or Newt.  What ever he has to offer is still not clear except for same old appeal to the lowest denominators and dumbest uninformed thrusting for governement to save them .. same old same old.

Markvoorhies
Markvoorhies

Did Garcia-Roberts ever write anything that any one cared about or read?  The poorest written article I have ever read, good news the Onion ocasionally needs people to cover for their reporters when they are on vacation.  I guess there is hope after she is unemployed.  Or is that her cyborg is unemployed? No reason newspapers are going under...

robert O
robert O

Proving once again, just because someone can write doesn't mean they should be published.  Gus go back to your fag happy ni$$er lovin' news office and burn another issue. 

Tyler Smith
Tyler Smith

Those are the top 14 reasons? Wow, I think you've sealed my vote if that's the worst of him. He doesn't drink or smoke, his picture was on a pin, he's white (all presidents have been white, even Obama is half white), his dad named him Willard, pep-club, France. Really?? Looks pretty good to me. At least he didn't cheat on a 1st wife with cancer and a 2nd wife with MS. (Gingrich)At least he has proved he's successful with money, rather than spending trillions. (Obama)

Belladhanna
Belladhanna

I'm actually cryin tears of laughter. I'm taking this as a laugh piece written around a few facts.

I thought #6 was Hilarious!

novenator
novenator

Wow, the headline and subheader is full of epic win.

RP2012
RP2012

Honestly, as much as I dislike him and Gingrich, this article was a spit at journalism; all i got from this is the following, "Don't vote Romney because he's a big fat stupid poop face."

Ron Paul 2012

Madge
Madge

LOL Oh please, the commenters here have no sense of humor! Mr. Garcia-Roberts you are my new hero. I haven't laughed so hard on a Monday morning. This is going to everyone I know, like 5 people!

Ilyolivera
Ilyolivera

This is absolutely the dumbest and most childish article I have ever read. I can't believe New Times would actually print this?!

Infidel
Infidel

Nice hack job.  Totally stereotypical and juvenile, yet not even mildly amusing.  Stick to local politics where your one-sided views at least have a chance to resonate with someone.

Maria
Maria

Wow, this was the best you could come up with?  I think most of the Republican candidates are awful, but Romney's "stupid face" is far less objectionable than Gingrich's "family values." 

Fernando Buch
Fernando Buch

im not so sure he will win florida, now the nomination? well that is locked-up. He just needs to stay quiet and give the people that stupid-@ss grin. if he does that, he might survive and win the nod

Phil Hazlitt
Phil Hazlitt

I'm the furthest thing from a Mitt Romney supporter, but... how about real reasons he's not good?  Aside from the tax evasion issue, this is a novelty article.

Obamasuckseggs
Obamasuckseggs

And Obama doesn't play the blame game? After four years at some time something has to be your fault. It's funny how all the bad things are Bushs fault, but he'll take credit for killing Bin Laden. Wait... That's was Bush's fault also. Democrats are only good for growing government dependency.

Bebep
Bebep

And you prove that just because someone has the internet, doesn't mean they should publish their opinions.

Way to end it being a bigot! Congrats on your miserable life!

GusGarciaRoberts
GusGarciaRoberts

A Ron Paul supporter lacking a sense of humor? I'm shocked.

Tyler Smith
Tyler Smith

Ha ha ha! So funny! It might be even funnier than a fart joke. Racist, Bigoted, inaccurate, thoughtless. Yes, it is funnier than a fart joke! Ha ha ha. 

Tyler Smith
Tyler Smith

Actually, Romney didn't evade taxes, he invested wisely according to the laws/rules given him.  Would you pay more in taxes than the law required? Of course not, unless you're an idiot or you think the government can spend your money better than you. In which case, pay more, but why drag someone down who's been successful, just because you're not?  

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