Florida's Eight Weirdest Bills: Pecan Crime, Lifeguard Beatdowns and Trees Painted Purple

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THIS SPECIES PROTECTED UNDER SENATE BILL 0184
Every year, Florida lawmakers propose more than a thousand bills. Some of them are admirable and important changes designed to make our streets safer, our schools better, and our citizenry healthier. Then there are the other 92 percent. Here are the eight most awesomely befuddling and obscure bills from this session we could find by poring through the state database. Take it away, psychedelic senators!

1. "Trespassing," from Jacksonville Sen. John Thrasher
The gist: Make purple paint on trees the statewide sign for "no trespassing."
Our thoughts: The purple-paint lobby is ruthless. If you don't cater to them, you'll find your household pets looking like Barney.

2. "Personal Trainers," from Delray Beach Sen. Maria Sachs
Gist: License personal trainers, which seems reasonable. But strangely, the law's language is dominated by rules barring trainers from having sexual relations with their clients outside the gym.
Thoughts: Is there any doubt that Sachs was wooed by a bad-news Lothario of the spandex set?

3. "Merry Christmas/Official Greeting for December 25," from Orlando Sen. Gary Siplin
Gist: Make "Merry Christmas" the official greeting for December 25.
Thoughts: Because if you use any other greeting that day -- such as "happy Kwanzaa" or "howdy" -- Angry Jesus will break Blitzen's antler off in your ass.

4. "State Symbols/Barking Tree Frog," from Miami Sen. Larcenia Bullard
Gist: Make the barking tree frog the official state amphibian.
Thoughts: Is it any surprise that Bullard has also proposed a bill legalizing medical marijuana?

5. "Pecans," from Tallahassee Sen. Bill Montford
Gist: Make it a crime to pick pecans off the ground under privately owned trees.
Thoughts: In a related bill, Florida's new state slogan would be, "Hands off our nuts."

6. "Low-Speed Vehicles," from Umatilla Sen. Alan Hays
Gist: Authorize people to turn "low-speed vehicles" into golf carts.
Thoughts: We've read this bill about 12 times, and all we can say is expect to see some Oldsmobile Cutlasses hurtling along the green next year.

7. "Landscape Architecture Month," from Baker Sen. Greg Evers
Gist: Make March Landscape Architecture Month.
Thoughts: Ooh, this is fun. Can we play? Let's make July Jell-O Mold Month! And April could just be called "Lamp"!

8. "Ocean Lifeguards," from Miami Sen. Gwen Margolis
Gist: Increase penalties for assault and battery on ocean lifeguards.
Thoughts: How could Margolis miss the opportunity to name this bill "Don't Hassle the Hoff"?

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4 comments
Jean L. DeMar
Jean L. DeMar

Here I am trying to find a way to get a bill heard on a mandatory biological parental notification for minors with life threatening illness (like my sons brain cancer) when the legal caregiver, guardian, or legal father has ignored the visitation order for the biological parents (me and my husband) and cannot be found.  Having a paper that says we have visitation doesn't mean we get it unless we can afford an attorney and a PI to find him to serve him!  I just loved finding out from an online social site he had brain cancer from someone other than my ex.  Here are some rediculous purposals when there are far more pressing issues that should be of consideration.  "Payton's Law"  should be up on the agenda with "Les" Leslie Banker facing some serious contempt of court charges at the very least and tortous interference!Jean DeMar727-848-0375P.S. He ignored the court ordered mediation which would have led to our biological son being in our custody after 6 months!  Go figure this is the sixth judicial circuit for ya.

RIAT251
RIAT251

The only thing that supprises me about these rediculous bills is that the bright minds that thought of them did not try to submit them as ammendments to the state constiution. If they had the same bright minds that elected Rick Scott would have voted for them.

Jim Camp
Jim Camp

RE item #2, maybe her husband was getting happy ending workouts from a personal trainer ? #8 is the best/funniest of these.

Joseph Edward Bodden
Joseph Edward Bodden

pecans are property and also an income item for many landowners in Florida. there is nothing weird about this other than normal theft of property laws should apply already.lifeguards do not need to be involved in fisticuffs while someone is drowning. penalties should be severe and if not sever enough, increased. Not weird.the others are pretty stupid and about the kind of things you would expect from career politicians trying to keep their names on new laws so they can be used for re election. when all the good laws are taken, these six are what you get pretty much...

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