LeBron Goes Off, Heat Win, All is Well

Categories: Sports
Mike Miller Spurs.jpg
It took three games and a half of shitty basketball, but the Miami Heat finally got their mojo working in the second half of last night's game, and eventually blew away the visiting San Antonio Spurs 120-98.

With a hobbled Dwyane Wade unable to play on his birthday, it was up to LeBron James and Chris Bosh to come through and end a three-game skid that had everyone shouting loudly, demanding everyone get fired, and throwing pickle jars filled with piss into strangers faces for no reason. But thanks to LBJ's 33 points, Bosh's 30 and the return of The Living Mike Miller, all is right in the basketball universe again. For now.

Prior to the game, it was announced that James would have to play with flu-like symptoms, something that didn't bode well for the Heat or for germaphobes everywhere. And, after a sluggish first half that saw Miami down by 17, it was pretty apparent that the Heat was going to suffer their fourth consecutive loss, making us all completely fucking miserable.

But then LeBron came out for the second half and did that thing where he pounds people's dicks into the dirt, leading the Heat to one of their biggest comebacks ever, outscoring the Spurs 39-12 in the third quarter (James outscored San Antonio 17-10 all by himself). Fueled by mama's chicken soup, or gamma rays injected into his biceps during halftime, James attacked the basket with ferocity, found teammates who buried open Js, hit consecutive three-pointers, and closed out the comeback with a pretty dish to Joel Anthony under the basket, who dunked the basketball like it was covered in flu.

The story of the night, however, was the glorious return of Mike Miller, who came storming back like the Jason Voorhees of basketball that he is, burying three pointers with ease and stabbing the Spurs in the face with a machete. Wanting to show everyone that he finally has working opposable thumbs, Miller went 6-for-6 on 3-pointers, finishing with 18 points and bringing much needed energy to a once-lethargic team. 

Of course, because he's Mike Miller, he also had to play like a crazy person, and launched his body at loose balls, and generally ran around like a chicken on acid, which eventually got him hurt. At one point, Miller jammed his foot on an opponent, and another time he jammed his balls on another. But, thankfully, Miller would be all right, and head coach Erik Spoelstra sat him down before he could do any more damage to himself.

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Oh, and Chris Bosh did this:


BoshBalls.

Miami's big 17-point comeback matched the NBA's fifth-largest of the season so far, and are now 4-0 without Dwyane Wade, which of course will start people talking about how they're a better team without him. Those people need to be kicked by a horse.

As for James, he started out playing like a shitpile, missing layups and being wild with his passes. But in the third, he went 7-for-9, including the two three-pointers that rallied the blowout.

"There's not much you can do," Spurs point guard Tony Parker told the media afterward. "LeBron was on fire in the third quarter. He's coming in fast breaks and he's shooting threes. There is no defense against that."

He then probably added, "Sacrebleu!" before adjusting his beret and storming off on his bicycle.

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The Heat host Kobe and the L.A. Lakers tomorrow night. Tipoff is at 8 p.m.

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