Is Anyone in Miami Aware the Florida Panthers Don't Suck This Year?

Categories: Sports
By now most Miamians are vaguely aware that there's a professional sporting concern up in Sunrise that participates in some sort of Canadian folk sport nonsense known as "hockey." But were you aware that this team, which purports to call itself the "Florida Panthers," does not absolutely suck this year? Were you even aware that for the past dozen or so years these Panthers have sucked pretty hard? It's possible that the Panthers could have won the last five Stanley Cups, and Miamians still wouldn't even know what a Stanley Cup is.

Well, it's true that they have sucked for a long time, but they're leading their division now and pulled off a historic victory last night.

You see, last night the Panthers put on these weird shoes with knives strapped to their soles and managed to stick around some puck until it went into a net more than their opponent, the Vancouver Canucks. 

This is apparently important as the Panthers have not beaten the Canucks in any of their meetings since 1999. That was also the last season that the Panthers managed to make it to the playoffs. In fact, the Panthers have the longest active playoff drought in the NHL. They've only ever made it into the playoffs in three of their 16 seasons.

Things are finally looking up the Panthers, however! They're leading their division at roughly the halfway through their season. Unlike real American sports, the NHL decides its standings in part by goals scored, and the Panthers have managed to put the puck into the net 50 times this season -- five more goals than any other teams in their division.

If things keep up the Panthers might certainly make it to the playoffs for the first time in twelve years. But, we here are Riptide would like to know one important things: Does anyone in Miami care?

After the Panthers moved from downtown Miami up to Sawgrass Mills land did we all just decide, "You know what Broward, you can have this team all to your own! You have your own professional sports team! You guys go ahead and figure out this weird ice sport?"

So, please, to figure out whether or not Riptide should continue to occasionally cover these non-sucky Florida Panthers we would like you to answer the following questions. Feel free to leave your answers in the comment section:

1. The current leading scorer for the Panthers is named:
a) Johnny Weir
b) Probably some guy from Canada, maybe named Sven or Jean-Christophe or something?
c) Kris Versteeg
d) LeBron James

2. Ice is a crucial part of an NHL game for the current reason:
a) It keeps the crowd's cocktails cold.
b) It is the surface on which a game is played.
c) Vanilla Ice is now the league's commissioner.
d) The winner of the game is awarded diamond jewelry.

3. The following is the name of a team the Panthers have defeated this season:
a) The Winnipeg Jets
b) The Manitoba Mounties
c) The Saskatoon Saskatoonians
d) The Alberta Aboots
e) The Degrassi Street Drakes

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I think Riptide should cover hockey provided that someone who knows the first f*cking thing about hockey does the writing. That someone is NOT you, Kyle. What do you think that "GF" column in the standings is for Kyle, "girlfriends"?

Fat Hand
Fat Hand

Seriously Kyle? You think the 50 points the Panthers have in the standings means 50 goals scored? I guess you ain't shittin' that people in South Florida don't know anything about hockey.

Patrick K
Patrick K


not sure if more people will read here about hockey, but at least this article was kinda funny. 


yea people care, we don't need your snot nosed articles either.

Callista Mousouleas
Callista Mousouleas

Keep covering the Florida Panthers!!!!!

1. C. Kris Versteeg2. B. It is the surface the game is played on3. A. The Winnipeg Jets


Versteeg brings that championship experience  (won the cup with the 'Hawks).  YES! Please more hockey coverage. I enjoy the New Times and am a huge hockey fan.  I love the two together.

Franklin Hayes
Franklin Hayes


People will start to care during the last two months of the season once its very apparent they will be in the playoffs.  then the playoff games will be sold out and everyone will have Panther flags on their car's like they did in '96.


Who ever wrote this is an idiot. The NHL does not decide its standings by goals scored.


Go Panthers! Miamians love to jump on winning ban wagons. Keep reporting the wins and they will get on board!


Wayne Huizenga REALLY hates Miami and generally anything south of the Broward County line. How else do you explain moving a professional sports franchise from the City of Miami to the edge of the Everglades and Alligator Alley?

Oh, and the answers.1) C2) B3)_A


What is this "hockey" nonsense?

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