Construction on the Marlins' Horrifying Home Run Sculpture is Almost Finished

Categories: Sports
marlins200.jpg
via Sun-Sentinel
Forget the new logo, uniforms, coach, roster or shady funding for the new stadium -- by fair the most despair-inducing feature of the Miami Marlin's recent makeover is what we originally termed the "insanely ugly animatronic home-run sculpture." The thing looks like a Mardi Gras float impregnated a Guy Harvey shirt during a bad acid trip at the Magic Kingdom.

Until recently it only existed as a terrifying GIF, but it's now near completion. We must accept that it is an actual reality.

Here it is in its near-complete glory.

marlinstatu.jpg
via Vice
There it sits proudly like a giant middle-finger to good taste. A chode-y phallic symbol infected with Flamingo-shaped herpes sores. An enormous butt plug covered in the worst type of stereotypical "Florida" imagery designed to be roughly shoved up the ass of anyone who dares to claim that there is anything actually resembling culture or aesthetic decency in South Florida.

It's so much worse than we could have imagined, and we haven't even seen it in action yet.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

Advertisement

My Voice Nation Help
37 comments
DD
DD

this has santeria written all over it 

Me
Me

Stop being such haters.

Noneflippee
Noneflippee

Omg whoever approved this needs their eyes checked! What a mistake!!! And a waste of money

Wsh U Were Here
Wsh U Were Here

Frankly, it is probably the only reason this taxpayer will ever go to loria stadium. In the grand scheme of things this was probably the best money spent as the residents could ship it off Christies and get more than we paid.

Wsh U Were Here
Wsh U Were Here

Kyle, art critic you ain't. It is a red grooms piece. Google the artist. This is his style and it is meant to be everything you say it is.

michael wind
michael wind

this is american temple in honor of the man playing with balls...

$3 Bil stolen
$3 Bil stolen

The Marlins Canadian owner Loria must be laughing at the idiots in Miami who stupidly voted to give him a brand new $3 Bil stadium allowing him to keep 100% of all revenues.

(Yes, you must add debt service/interest costs to the cost).

It's Miami, Bitches!

Indictments needed
Indictments needed

That sculpture is there because the Marlins Canadian owner, Jeff Loria, got the disgraced and recalled ex-Mayor Carlos Alvarez and the disgraced and termed out ex-Mayor Manny Diaz to take over $7 mil from the taxpayers and give it to Jeff Loria so he could make extra money for himself while screwing the taxpayers.

Indictments please.

Phews
Phews

"by far the most despair-inducing feature" not "by fair the most despair-inducing feature"

Pfft

Criss P TheEngineer
Criss P TheEngineer

I heard that New Times actually wanted to be apart of the structure but was turned down...Anytime NewTimes gets turned down they write crap about companies or people. New Times ain't sh**.

Frank
Frank

Does anyone know what this "animatronic feature" does?  Does it have jumping dolphins: voodoo lights: play Jimmy Buffet music?  Probably too soon to know.  If the Marlins had a sense of humor, they would have put a statue of Norman Braman out there.  

Ljrequejo
Ljrequejo

Written like a true douchebag. Your comments ooze pretentiousness and reek of pseudo-intellect. Here's an idea. Go take a tour of the stadium. Then jump off the retractable roof ass-first onto your phallic subject matter. That should change your tone.

seep
seep

What dose chode-y mean?

f b
f b

why is this state so tacky?  Tropicana Field (eventhough is a dome) is tacky, but man this takes the cake....the guava cake.

anon1
anon1

Look on the bright side. When the stadium collapses, that thing will be destroyed too.

local fan
local fan

eek! I love that Marlins, but I think this is the ultimate evidence that the Marlins hate us!

Geo
Geo

I will celebrate the day a wrecking ball goes to town on this thing. This is what they destroyed the Orange Bowl for. Never forget that.

Senator Biff
Senator Biff

So very sad...so very sad indeed. Welcome to "Paradise Adios!"

Shapingwater
Shapingwater

Are we playing baseball or is the stadium owners already preparing the Stadium for a conversion to PUT PUT GOLF.

Drake Mallard
Drake Mallard

 Every year, millions of taxpayer dollars are poured into stadiums, 
hockey rinks, baseball parks, and other arenas in order to attract and retain 
professional sports teams in big cities.  Often the money is spent by 
the cities after a team "threatens" to leave the city.When that happens, of course, the local news media act as the willing 
accomplices of the billionaires who own the teams.When city and state governments build facilities for sports organizations which are owned by billionaires, and raise taxes as a result, it is clearly an abuse of power.


it time for more recalls /jail time

Slantedfraction
Slantedfraction

Wow this writer has some view huh, your just so dam sassy bro! you sound like palahniuk guy, it aint that bad.

Dude
Dude

dude... YOU are the chode-y phallic symbol infected with Flamingo-shaped herpes sores.YOU have an enormous butt plug covered in the worst type of stereotypical "Florida" imagery shoved up your ass.YOU are so much worse than any other "journalist" working for the New Times, and we have seen enough of your action already.enough is enough!

Curt656
Curt656

BWAAHHHHHHAAAHHHAAAHHHAAAAHHHHAAAA!!!!

What a monstrosity!! Whoever designed that thing should be taken out behind the shed and shot!

Seriously, I hope nobody paid for that.

Roro Kewule
Roro Kewule

It could have been worse, like a britto sculpture

geogut9669
geogut9669

Looks gay...just like their uniforms!

Serge Cruz Jr
Serge Cruz Jr

"The thing looks like a Mardi Gras float impregnated a Guy Harvey shirt during a bad acid trip at the Magic Kingdom." Brilliant haha

Timelfrink
Timelfrink

First of all, when you tell your friends what you paid for your house do you include the debt service and interest?  Look at the last 20 stadiums built and let me know if they are any different than this one.  In many cases cities created new taxes to pay for their stadiums, we used existing bed taxes so the tax payer is not impacted.

Pumpsiegreen
Pumpsiegreen

loria is not canadian, he's from New Jork, along with his gerbil stepson Samson.

Timelfrink
Timelfrink

What an idiot.  The art was approved by a board made up of members appointed by the board of county commissioners.  Not loria or alvarez.

Bebep
Bebep

YOU probably designed this retarded monstrosity.

Zip Per
Zip Per

Dude , We paid for that ... Remember ????

Dude
Dude

yeah it could also be at sunlife stadium

Bebep
Bebep

HAH! Oh wait... sadface :'(

Now Trending

Miami Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...