Heat Beat Knicks and Jeremy Lin, Render Linsanity Utterly Linpotent

Categories: Sports
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For the past month or so, we've all had Jeremy Lin spewed on our faces, whether we wanted it or not. Turn on your TV: LIN! Tune into your favorite radio station: LIN! Log on to twitter: LIN! The Republican debates: LIN! Jump in the shower: LIN! Your morning cereal toy prize: LIN!

And then Lin and the New York Knicks came to the Triple A for a visit to face LeBron, D-Wade, Bosh and the rest of the righteous ass-smashing badasses known as the Miami Heat and were pounded 102-88 in the most ridiculously over-hyped regular season basketball game in the history of everything. And that was pretty much the end of the good times for everyone caught up in the Linsanity.

LINTASTIC!

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The Big Three were exceptional all around. And not just in a they-put-the-basketball into the hoop a lot of times exceptional -- but like, "Holy cockmugs, my face just melted off from all the awesome" exceptional. James, Wade, and Bosh combined for 67 points, while their defense simply demolished some serious Knicks ass, holding down their high-powered offense, and ripping the still-beating hearts out of Knicks fans' chest cavities like that dude in that Indiana Jones movie.

Meanwhile Mario Chalmers and Norris Cole brought their ballstastic games to unprecedented heights, shutting Lin down and accounting for 18-combined points on the night.

Entering the game, Lin had averaged 23.9 points and 9.2 assists per game. He also averaged having his name mentioned on ESPN roughly 100,000,000,000 times per minute, minus segments where Herm Edwards screamed at you for no apparent reason. But against the cockpunching dynamic duo of Chalmers and Cole, Lin finished the night 1-for-11 shooting, scoring just eight points. He also had just three assists and turned the ball over eight times.

LINPOTENT!

The American Airlines Arena was a madhouse. Floyd Mayweather, Chad Ocho Cinco, Logan Morrison, and Mike Stanton were all in attendance. As was Spike Lee. Even President Obama wanted to attend the game.

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LeBron James scored 20 points on the night, while playing with the defensive intensity of a honey badger who just got his rabbit sandwich stolen from him. Whether he was attacking the basket like a freight train or hitting 12-footers from the perimeter, LBJ was simply unstoppable.

And whenever Lin made a mistake, James was there to take advantage and kung-fu scissor kick the shit out of the Knicks defense's ass with monster throw downs like this one:



Tyson Chandler ain't want no trouble, boss. *moves aside*

Even Cole got into the steal the ball from Lin and flush it down fun. Although not as gracefully. Still, his AWWWW YEA, IMMA DUNK THIS SHIT .... WOAAAAAAHHHH!!!! thing was probably the best thing from last night:



Sure it's always amazeballs to watch dudes hurtling through the stratosphere like a jet fighter and taking it to the basket with authority while taking it right into to the danger zone. But let's not overlook the silky smooth stylings of Chris Bosh and his cool-ass J.

It's always easy to pile on Bosh when he has a shitty game. And sure he may not have the athletic dexterity of the other two guys, what with them being half-men-half-leopards and him being half-man-half-raptor. But Bosh was pretty fucking badass last night, going 11-for-17 and scoring a game-high 25 points. He made defensive stalwart Tyson Chandler into his own personal hand puppet, attacking the rim with devil-may-care and hitting his shots with pin point accuracy. *RAPTOR SHRIEK*

With everyone waiting for Lin to bring down the big bad Heat and then float away on a magical unicorn based on a handful of games in a 162-game season, LeBron's stat line ended this way: 20 points, 9 rebounds, 8 assists, 5 steals, and 2 blocks. The last player with that stat line? LeBron James from February 5, 2008.

LeBron James' dick > Jeremy Lin



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The NBA All-Star break is this weekend. The Heat will visit the Portland Trailblazers on March 1.

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5 comments
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M Palusevic
M Palusevic

So, Chris Joseph.. Did you write this during the loading screens of World of Warcraft or what, dude?  I see you were going for funny, or as Bebep says, "Hirarious", but this was more like an 8th grader writing a guide to living in your parent's basement.. Miami New Times must be really, really new..

Norsham Stenberg Blasko
Norsham Stenberg Blasko

As An Asian descendant,  I'm Proud of My Asian Boy! But My Loyalty always With HEAT.  Love the Article!! 

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