Jeremy Lin Needs to Beware Coochie Power

Categories: Luke's Gospel
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Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke counsels New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin.

The New York Knicks and Jeremy Lin are coming to town this Thursday, February 23, to take on the Miami Heat. My advice to Knicks head coach Mike D'Antoni: Lock the Asian-American sensation in his hotel room until tip-off. Now that Lin is an overnight superstar, every female groupie from South Beach to Fort Lauderdale will want to get him in bed. That's one of the benefits of being an NBA baller.

Lin isn't ready for the power of the coochie. He's no Tim Tebow. Why do I say that? First of all, Lin has a Harvard degree and Tebow got his college education at the University of Florida. That's like comparing a rocket scientist to a Honda mechanic. Also, Tebow has won a collegiate national title and the Heisman trophy, so he's used to girls testing his decision to stay a virgin until marriage.

But Lin was just another unknown D-leaguer before breaking out this season. He's not used to the headlines and babes fawning all over him. Until recently, he was sleeping on his brother's couch and couldn't have gotten laid in Rio de Janeiro during Carnaval. Last week., I'm sure he had every fine model who strutted the catwalk during New York Fashion Week waiting for him outside Madison Square Garden.

Next thing you know, Lin will be walking through Central Park holding hands with a tall, beautiful girl who looks like Tom Brady's wife, Gisele Bundchen.

I wouldn't be surprised to see Kim Kardashian sitting courtside this Thursday night at the American Airlines Arena. She and every come-up reality show star will be the first ones to try to snag Lin. Paris Hilton is gonna run up to him at LIV and say, "Oh, Jeremy, what's up, big boy?" Or something like that ...

Then two years down the road, Gisele's clone will divorce Jeremy because he has turned into a sex maniac like Tiger Woods. Lin will be on the cover of the National Enquirer, naked, at some wild orgy featuring foreign NBA players like Tony Parker and Dirk Nowitzki. And his pretty model wife will walk away with half his fortune and endorsement deals.

When it goes after celebrity male athletes, the va-jay-jay is undefeated; it's never lost. My advice to Lin: Beware the power of the coochie.

Follow Luke on Twitter at @unclelukereal1.

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8 comments
Christian Church Pastor
Christian Church Pastor

Tim and Li are good athletes who happen to be Christian.  Hopefully they show the virtues of Christian life such as fairness, kindness and joy.  Even if they don't win their respective title games, they are successful if they can be a great person as well as a great athlete.

Crappy public schools
Crappy public schools

Who writes Luke's columns? I have to assume from their stupidity that Luke and/or the actual writer are products of the miserable Florida public school system.

PeteRockingham
PeteRockingham

Kim Hodashian has already to chase down Tebow and he smartly turned her down. Best play he's made all season. She denied trying to set herself up with Lin. I don't think Lin seems like the kind of guy that likes skanks anyway.

PeteRockingham
PeteRockingham

Giselle Bunchen looks like Barbra Steisand even after Giselle's nose job and boob job. Throw supermodel in front of anything's name and it'll get hype. Lin is a Christian and smarter guy than Tebow. Plus, he can actually play on the pro level. He'll be fine.

Drake Mallard
Drake Mallard

 Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way we're totally cool with that. To each his own.

DasNotRacist
DasNotRacist

He went to Harvard, I'm guessing he's a little more in control of himself than most of the other animals in the NBA.

Kim96
Kim96

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ScharlesAm
ScharlesAm

There are a lot of dogs and lowlifes that went to Harvard. There are good men that didn't go to an Ivy League school. A lot of good guys in sports that are good husbands and fathers. You sound like an idiot that went to neither.

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