Linsanity Comes to Miami: Six Rules For Heat Fans to Avoid Being Horribly Racist

Categories: Sports
jeremylin.jpg

​Tomorrow night, the New York Knicks-- led by Asian American Harvard Grad™ Jeremy Lin-- come to Miami to take on the Heat. Lin's quick rise to prominence hasn't exactly brought out the best in America. Fox's Jason Whitlock made that penis size joke. ESPN had the "Chink in the Armor" headline. Then there have been the racist signs at games, and of course, the newspaper puns.

When this carnival of our own ignorance comes to Miami, we get a little worried. Anybody who's ever been in the bleachers at a Marlins game when the opposing team fields a Japanese pitcher knows that we can be some openly racist freaks when we wanna.

That's why, for this game only, we're endorsing adding these simple provisions to the "Terms and Conditions" of tickets to Thursday night's game. We don't want to end up on Sportscenter for all the wrong reasons.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS (Cont.)

Bodily Gestures. Please keep your hands by your side until you have fully decided which gesture you're going to make-- let's not have any impulse gestures here. Middle fingers are completely acceptable. Please keep your fingers away from your eye regions. If dust gets caught in the corners of both eyes, please go to the lavatory to pick it out. (Which is not to say that the lavatory should become some hotbed of eye-stretching.) No bowing.

Signage. No fortune cookies. Stay away from the word "yellow", even when replacing the word "black" in popular references.

Cheering. Heckling is strongly encouraged. Did you know that Harvard's law school is widely regarded as inferior to Yale's? Ooh, that's gold. We don't see any reason why you can't posit that Lin's mother, Shirley, blows goats. (If there's anything we've learned from attending sporting events, it's that a surprisingly high percentage of pro athletes come from goat-blowing households.) Just don't fucking yell it -- or whisper it, or say anything -- in a "Engrish" accent.

Beverages. If you turn into Michael Richards, maybe limit it to two beers tonight. Or watch from home? ESPN cameras don't usually raid living rooms in Kendall.

The Dick Clause. Don't be one.

Special note for media covering the event. Watch this Saturday Night Live sketch, with your brain.

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16 comments
Nelson_Blood
Nelson_Blood

Miami bring on the hate. Lin's a Knick first. 

Greg
Greg

oh hispanics are usually just merely  fearfully condescending as is the author of this article...

Greg
Greg

go ahead and give it your best shot...we Asians are not thin skinned at all...funny but in my experience its the black population that exhibits most of the racist behavior when they should actually be sympathetic...dont worry we as Asians just look the other way and realize that ignorance is a part of the human experience and these poor ignorant folk are just that:  ignorant and poorly educated.

MIami84848
MIami84848

This is about the dumbest article I think I have ever written, and the fact that you've addressed such stupid racist trailer park antics is appalling. 

RealTruth305
RealTruth305

As one of only about 9 or 10 Asian guys that actually lives here in Miami (and was born in Miami), I gotta say, I've witnessed, and been the subject of, every single thing pointed out.  Miami likes to tout itself as an open, international city.  That is FALSE.  It is one of the most insular, ignorant and baselessly arrogant cities on earth.

I'm going to be in the lower level tomorrow night with clients.  GUARANTEE:  I'm going to hear at least three to four racially charged taunts.  When I call them out, they are going to be like, "BRO!  I was joke-king, bro!  Lighten up!  It's not even racist, bro.  He's Japanese, bro, it's different, bro.  Bro, who cares, he's not even really American, bro, supposably!"

Jim Camp
Jim Camp

Knicks don't have enough fire power to keep up with the Heat.

FortLauderdale76
FortLauderdale76

Miami and South Florida are very accepting of all cultures and races.  It's an international city!  Let's show some class SoFL :)  Lin is a great athlete and it will be great to see him play the Heat!

Show some class
Show some class

Lin is a college graduate who spent several years in the NBA warming a bench.

Give him a break. Let's see what he can do.

Chris Ferguson
Chris Ferguson

It is interesting that you would use a racist comment, "its the black population that exhibits most of the racist behavior", to speak against racism. Try looking in the mirror before criticizing other people. 

MIami84848
MIami84848

I'm trying to say they shouldn't be pointed out, but to put them into a light-hearted instructional article is not the way to over come racism. 

Joe...
Joe...

So just to be clear you think the solution to racist antics is to not point them out or discuss them...history is on your side, change is always made by pretending there is no problem and never discussing or addressing.

GusGarciaRoberts
GusGarciaRoberts

Want to be our correspondent on the inside? It'd be nice to hear what horrible things were said. And unfortunately, we haven't gotten Heat credentials in a decade. 

RealTruth305
RealTruth305

Good point -- One other thing we should thank Lin for is he's making the Knicks-HEAT rivalry directly relevant again after years of imblance. . .it takes even more focus away from the fact that the DOLPHINS suck so hard.

RealTruth305
RealTruth305

Haha, hey there Gus.  I'll be glad to give you a straight up from the "inside."  Hopefully it will be a bland experience. . . besides Knicks fans being Knicks fans, and the Heat "fans" asking who all of the players on the Heat are since they don't actually follow basketball, only the big events.  But judging from how many of my Miami friends insisted that the punny use of "Chink in the Armor" was not racially connected, I think I should have some good ones for you.

When I was a kid in elementary school, other kids used to pull their eyes back and go, "Ching Chong!"  I would go home crying.  My mom, who's not even Chinese, but rather Filipino (all same thing, right?) told me, hey, when they do that, you pull your eyes wider (vertically) and say, "McDonalds, fatty, McDonalds."  I did that and it confused everyone.  I actually had to do that at a Marlins game 30 years later once, no lie.

GusGarciaRoberts
GusGarciaRoberts

That's a pretty great comeback. My fiance is Chinese-American and living in Miami for her is kind of like running a gauntlet of abuse and dumb comments. She's probably gotten "konichiwa" a hundred times from guys trying to pick her up. My email address is gus.garcia-roberts@miaminewtimes.com.

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