Mitt Romney's Victorious Hair Helmet and Five Other Things We'll Miss About the GOP Primary

Categories: Politicks
God bless his hair.
Mitt Romney won yesterday's Florida GOP primary, but we all know who the real victor was. Not Obama. And certainly not the country. No, el gran ganador was Willard's perfectly sculpted mop of Mittitude: his hair.

Here are five other things we'll miss now that the political spotlight has shifted away from our surprisingly Mormon-friendly state.

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5. Compliments from Newt Gingrich
Who is this delightful little troll? And who do we thank for thawing him from his 14-year slumber? After being kind of an a-hole in South Carolina, Newt Gingrich was unexpectedly peachy in the Sunshine State. He reigned in the snark during the two Florida debates -- to his detriment, it seems. And during his "concession" speech last night (he didn't actually concede, let alone congratulate Mittens), he even thanked the "elite media" a couple of times. Not even our vodka-swilling editor calls us elite. Thanks, Newt! Somebody get this guy a fourth wife.

4. Bad Spanish
Hole-la. Mah yamo Mitt Romney y yo kee-air-ho ser tu presidunto. Call it schadenfreude, but as Anglos who try so hard to pass for Cuban that we piss pure cortadito, it's kind of nice to hear those seeking the highest office in the land stumble over a few basic phrases in the language we'll all be speaking by 2050.

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