Vote Me For Surfside Commission

Categories: Politicks
gusgarciarobertsandmurray.jpg
Garcia-Roberts, with his nomination for Surfside's new town attorney.
An observation: the police officers in Surfside -- the little town south of Sunny Isles where I've lived for over three years -- might be the biggest horndogs in the state.

They hide in the bushes of a parking lot on Harding Avenue, trapping drivers doing 37 MPH, and lay their pudgy, Oakley-sunglasses-wearing mack game down on any passing female pedestrians, including my girlfriend. Confront them about it, and they become steely Robocops.

Well, coppers, I hope you like escorting me to Town Hall every day. And I may call your cell phones at 3 a.m. about my neighbors playing their music too loudly. What's that? It's my own stereo system blasting the soothing sounds of NWA's "Fuck The Police?" Silly me.

Neighbors, vote me for Surfside Commission. I'm going to make this town awesome.

For an outwardly placid beach hamlet with a population around 5,000, Surfside has a healthy amount of chaos. A serial masturbator was jacking it in the beach showers until he was finally, um, busted in 2010. One of those fine officers was caught taking bribes from drunk drivers. The town's getting sued by a local synagogue. Our town attorney Lynn Dannheisser, who makes a whopping $178,000 annually, hired her boyfriend on the taxpayer's dime. A secretive clutch of anti-regime bloggers regularly churn out press releases about the "cancer of corruption" infecting Surfside.

And in a display of apathy unprecedented in Florida, the March 20 commission election only had three candidates for four seats.

This is my kind of town. A special election will be held for that last spot May 1. Call me Luther Campbell, except I actually have a chance to win this one. If elected, I promise to put "No Masturbating" signs on the beach, turn cops I don't like into my butlers, tell Dannheisser it's time to update her Monster.com profile, give my girlfriend a no-show lifeguard's job at $9.50 an hour, pet my lap dog Murray menacingly during commission meetings, and -- while we're at it -- do my best to legalize marijuana.

I thought I would win the special election without an opponent. But at a recent town hall meeting, I silently stewed as a earnest, polite lady named Michelle vowed to run.

Michelle, prepare to get Swiftboated.

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Xalf18
Xalf18

One of the people who testified at Tuesday's sham Planning and Zone Board meeting was the one who has a car parked on Byron Avenue, near cnr of 95th St., right under the "1 hour parking" sign. Pars there 24/7.  On her side of the street, she has another car parked 24/7.    Who is calling the kettle black?  I have a proposal.  Since Bay Harbor Islands gekts all the money from their bridge tolls and Surfside and Bal Harbor get all the trafffic, I suggest that on Kane Concourse and Carlyle or Abbott, we establish a toll booth, charging 50 cents (not $1) to all non-Surfside/Bal Harbour residents.  Surfside and Bal Harbour residents would have decals exempting them from the tolls.  Also noticed:  more cars are parked on the wrong side of the street and no ticket issued.  Surfside is beginning to look like a gypsy enclave.

The three stooges (our current commissioners) + our skateboarding mayor have the resolve of a scared rabbit.  The town manage and his crony--the town attorney are running this town with the commission rubber-stamping them.  The guy who did not run for re-election didn't have to.  He was a mole for the Temple.  His replacement is another mole.  JOE GRAUBART PLEASE, PLEASE COME BACK.  YOUR WERE THE ONLY COMMISSIONER WHO HAD INGEGRITY AND KEPT YOUR PROMISE WHEN YOU RAN FOR THE COMMISSION.  WE NEED YOU TO BE THE CONSCIENCE OF SURFSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   We need to form a Surfside underground akin to the underground units who operated in Nazi-occupied countries during WWII.  I do not propose violence but we need such an organization similar to the "Save Surfside" group, who at least are raising the consciousness of the residents of Surfside, too many of whom are passive and will accept any crap shoved down their throats as long as they are not directly affected.  

For example, many of the residents who live well west and well south of the new Temple are not directly affected by the traffic, congestion, noise and other events that will take place once it opens.  So, they could care less about what happens to their neighbors to the east and north.  Remember Martin Nighmoeller's comments when the Nazis took away elements of the population until they took him away.

clyde barker
clyde barker

I don't know Gus or if he is serious about running but we need a commissioner who can think independently and ask a few questions rather than follow the dictum set by the Mayor, Manager and Attorney.  Graubart took nothing but SHIT for 2 years by showing he had the BALLS to worry about the residents and not buy into this TRANSFORM SURFSIDE INTO SOMETHING IT'S NOT CRAP!     The police department budget alone approaches $5 million, the people at 95th and Abbott are getting an oversised SHUL and 4 story parking garage rammed down their throat, the manager offends everyone he comes in contact with, the "full time attorney" works 3 days a week and the Parks & Rec guy gets a take home car!   GO GUS!!!  It's a great little town and all this nonsense can be reversed but   we need someone to knock some sense into the three YES YES YES commissioners who currently take their orders from the administration.

Xalf18
Xalf18

They are trying to turn Surfside into another Coral Gables with all of the underside of the Gables.  There is a car parked on Byron Avenue off 95th St. (NorthWest side) parking 24/7 right under a sign that reads "1 Hour Parking".  If that isn't irony I don't know what is.  Whatever that parking guy is getting paid is 100% too much.  He is receiving welfare from Surfside.

alejandro35
alejandro35

People masturbating in Surfside? DUDE I live here and seriously, I mean seriously the guys at the beaches here probably can't wait to go get their colonoscopies. It's just a bunch of old guys. And cops giving tickets to people driving 37 mph? I live right on collins and 92 and every time I come back from a run I almost get killed by someone speeding up to 50 mph... NEVER see people getting ticketed for speed... and I run EVERY DAY... sometimes twice a day, plus I drive in and out... If you're gonna bash a town, I think we need something more logical. Sorry but I read this on the printed version and just couldn't help to comment on it because I've lived here longer than you and man has it turned UNSEXY in the past five years...

http://cashhuge.com
http://cashhuge.com

my best friend's step-sister got paid $13504 past m0nth. she has been w0rking on the internet and g0t a $387700 h0me. All she did was get f0rtunate and make use 0f the instructi0ns written 0n that link t0p 0f this c0mment

Woodysghost
Woodysghost

Speaking of the police AND our expert legal department, why is it taking Surfside so long and spending so much money ($500,000?) to settle the lawsuit against the town by former police officer John Davis for wrongful discharge from the police department? The lead in to this saga was reported in 2007 by the New Times:

http://www.miaminewtimes.com/2...

michael wind
michael wind

best wishes gus,and i promise to help you to stop the town corruption,to bring code compliance department up to date,to tax all businesses and make them pay the town what is due to the town and check out why a town of 5000 needs so many banks,and all the po boxes in post office do not belong like the famous michael shafranski and his ponzi friends and the police to learn how to protect and serve,and town manager how to behave and respect everyone.......

http://cashhuge.com
http://cashhuge.com

my best friend's step-sister got paid $13504 past month. she has been working on the internet and got a $387700 home. All she did was get fortunate and make use of the instructions written on that link top of this comment

Chakkakahn
Chakkakahn

Totally unfair of you to criticise the attorney for hiring her boyfriend.   He is obviously the ONLY qualified attorney in the state of Florida, the US or the world for that matter.  But did we "win" the case?  Oh no, we gave them everything they wanted!   And does that salary include perks?   No, thats another forty or fifty grand!   And what does her staff cost the town?  Oh, thats another $150,0000.   And does she do all the work in house?  Oh no, tens of thousands are spent on outside attorneys.  

Sebastian DM
Sebastian DM

Looking for dirt on you is as easy as finding masturbators in Surfside. talk about killing two birds with one stone. not sure that makes sense. 

Sebastian DM
Sebastian DM

I suddenly feel like moving to Surfside. Gus, do you need a campaign manager? I'm available. and are you done with Candyfreak yet?

GusGarciaRoberts
GusGarciaRoberts

Yes, did you loan me that book? I will get it back to you as soon as possible. Stop trying to dig up dirt from my past.

Xalf18
Xalf18

Joe Graubart come back----Surfside needs you desperately.

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