Heat Get Nothing From Bench, Lose to Bulls in OT

Categories: Sports
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Holy shit bananas, that was rough.

The Miami Heat dropped a gut-wrenching loss to the Chicago Bulls 96-86 in overtime last night.

And while the game is meaningless in terms of overall playoff importance, it still feels like Heat fans got their collective cocks slammed in a Metrobus door.

WILL SOMEONE START THE DAMN PLAYOFFS ALREADY?

Erik Spoelstra went with a different lineup to start the game, putting Chris Bosh at center and Udonis Haslem at the forward spot. Things started off well, until Haslem had to take a shit that apparently never ended, which is both a shame and the perfect allegory for this Heat team.

On a night where Derrick Rose went 1-for-13 and scored only two points, the Heat couldn't take advantage. Luol Deng scored 16, Carlos Boozer (CARLOS FUCKING BOOZER!!) scored 19 and grabbed 11 rebounds. Taj Gibson contributed 11 points off the bench, and made that douche face that he always makes after every single made shot. Yea, that one.

And it was Chicago's backup point guard Sexual Chocolate CJ Watson who tore Miami's defense to shreds, scoring 16 points, including the improbable three at the buzzer to force overtime. The Heat were then outscored 12-2 in OT.

With 49 seconds remaining in regulation, LeBron hit a three pointer, giving Miami an 83-81 lead. Then, with eleven seconds left, the Bulls were forced to foul James. He missed one of two, and left the door open for the Bulls to tie the game and force OT, which they did after a miscue by Shane Battier on defense and the Heat electing not to foul anyone, which led to Watson heaving the ball towards the basket as if it were dipped in AIDS, which led to the tie, and now everyone is losing their shit and calling LeBron a choker because, hey why look at the entire game when the easy, lazy-ass "choker" narrative will do?

LeBron dropped 30 points on the night, and hit the go-ahead three. He led all players on both teams with 47 minutes played and went 11-for-24. He played both sides of the ball better than anyone. And, as has been the case pretty much the entire second half of the season, when James was off the floor, the Heat were just a bunch of dudes shitting into ziplock bags and then tossing them at the basket.

No Heat player not named James, Wade, or Bosh scored after the third quarter. Mike Miller is just a torso with one working limb at this point. And Mario Chalmers continues to be an atrocity in a basketball uniform. Shane Battier logged in 31 minutes and managed to score a whopping 2 points. Ronny Turiaf played for 30 minutes and scored zero points. You've got to work pretty fucking hard to manage to come away with two combined points on 61 combined minutes. BUT LET'S EVERYBODY POINT AT LEBRON AND CALL HIM A CHOKER!



As for the other two in the Big Three, Dwyane Wade single-handedly kept the Heat in the game down the stretch, hitting insanely impossible shots and scoring 10 straight at the end. But Wade was mostly ineffective throughout most of the game, forcing up bad shots (until they started to fall at the end), missing layups and getting stifled by Chicago's D.

Bosh started off strong at center, and managed to score 20 points. But as soon as Spoelstra gave LeBron and Wade a breather, the Heat imploded with Bosh as The Guy on the floor. And, outside of the rebound he grabbed and kicked out for LeBron's three pointer at the end, he was completely invisible. Again. To make matters worse, two nights after being manhandled by Kevin Garnett, he was emasculated by Taj Gibson.

The tendency now seems to be that unless Bosh plays huge, the Heat will be getting nowhere fast in the playoffs, which is kinda fucked up. But there you go. Chris Bosh remains the key to the Miami Heat's title hopes.

DEEP THOUGHTS BY CHRIS BOSH, RAPTOR:

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While LeBron is putting up the single greatest season by any NBA player ever, his teammates -- including the other two superstars -- are serving up shit sandwiches on rye.

The Heat host the Charlotte Bobcats tonight. It would be wise of Spo to just to rest his Big Three and get ready for the real games in a couple of weeks. Or, he can play LeBron for 55 minutes until he implodes into a ball of atom particles and dust from extreme exhaustion. Tipoff is at 7:30.

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3 comments
Drake Mallard
Drake Mallard

A bone? That's like giving a basketball to a black guy.

And today in sports, a black man somewhere ran with a ball and jumped with a ball and threw a ball and people got really excited as if they hadn't seen it a million times before... ...Next, we'll pretend like we can predict the weather...

Bill
Bill

We still hate ya' here in Cleveland Lebron. Thanks Bulls !

Dukeloui
Dukeloui

And you're still a piece of shit who lives in Cleveland, so nothing's changed! Go Heat!

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