Three Reasons the Miami Heat Will Knock Out the Knicks Tonight

In Game Four between the Heat and the Knicks, LeBron and D-Wade seemed to decide their buddy 'Melo needed at least one win to save face in New York, so they downed some Quaaludes and let the Knicks have their way with them. How else to explain Wade missing seven of 11 free-throws? They are free, Dwyane.

With the loss, Heat haters around the country pitched a tent in their critical pants. And Knicks fans celebrated their first post-season win since Dutch settlers defeated Algonquian tribesmen for the inaugural title (trophy = Manhattan). But there is simply no chance that the Knicks are going to win the series. Why? It goes way beyond basketball, starting with Mike Woodson's facial hair.

Coaching Consistency
You could argue that the Knicks' (much needed) midseason coaching change also ensured the team wouldn't get very far in the playoffs. But we're talking about a much more important kind of coaching consistency: facial hair.

Erik Spoelstra may look like a teenager, but that's the point. He couldn't grow a beard if LeBron pasted it onto his chin. This is the type of constancy that ballers are looking for: the same face in the huddle, night in and night out.

Would you let this man anywhere near your NBA superstars?

Knicks coach Mike Woodson, however, has the most terrifying facial hair in the league. This year, it morphed from a carefully kept circle beard -- also known as a door knocker -- into a veritable black hole of impenetrable bristle. His lips now appear to float in space. His facial hair is so intense it's practically an alternate identity, with multiple Facebook pages and a twitter account of its own. This can't be good for coaching. Who should the Knicks listen to: Woodson or his goatee?

And that's not even going into the whole mystery of his disappearing eyebrows.