How Do You Know If You're a Real Miamian?

Categories: Listicles
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Ever notice how New Yorkers have such strong opinions about what makes a person a "real" New Yorker? (The answer: You have strong opinions about what makes one a real New Yorker.) The phrase "Real New Yorker" has 802,000 Google results. The phrase "Real Miamian" nets only 347 results.

We're a transient, melting pot of a city, sure, and it's difficult to define our people, but we thought we'd try to establish some basic requirements for 305 realness. Take our test to find out if you're a "real Miamian." Don't take it too seriously, though. No real Miamian would.

It's pretty simple. For each bullet point that applies to you, give yourself a point.

  • Hearing the words palmetto and dolphin in the same sentence does not conjure images of a tranquil paradise, but rather ones of traffic horror.
  • "Lights! Food! Rides! And so much more!" makes you think of the holidays more than "Jingle Bells."
  • Not only are you aware that places such as Naranja, the Redland, Ojus, and Country Walk exist, but you can also give general directions to get to those places.
  • You use your horn more than your turn signal.
  • Whether you started out as a Spanish speaker or an English speaker, you're now proficient in Spanglish.
  • You either were or remember seeing someone visibly upset the day Celia Cruz died.
  • You have a Dan Marino jersey you still rock, of course, but somewhere deep in the back of your closet resides either a Fielder, Harrington, Culpepper, Rosenfels, Frerotte, Green, Beck, Pennington, or Henne jersey.
  • You own more flip-flops -- excuse us -- chancletas, than coats.
  • You've owned either vinyl, cassette, CD, or digital copies of Nice & Wild's "Diamond Girl," Debbie Deb's "Lookout Weekend," and Stevie B's "Spring Love."
  • Starting times are just suggestions, and you never get to an event or party within an hour of the actual kickoff.
  • You've bought seafood or meat out of a car trunk.
  • You're asked, "Where are you from?" within a minute of meeting someone, or you're doing the asking. "Here" is never a valid answer.
  • Seven dollars for a well drink seems pretty damn cheap.
  • You have no idea what a yellow light means.
  • There are people living on your street or in your complex that you've never meet, yet you know all their favorite salsa tunes because they blast the stereo.
  • You've voted for someone who is now behind bars, was removed from office, or resigned in disgrace -- multiple times.
  • There was a time in your life when leaving clubs, bars, or parties after 3 a.m. on a weekday and still showing up at work the next day was a regular occurrence.
  • Sitting at a red light means ignoring someone trying to either ask you for money or sell you something.
  • You've recognized a random person out in public who's acted for one of our many fine Internet porn companies.
  • When a hurricane comes, preparing for a party and preparing for an actual disaster go hand-in-hand.
  • You use the terms bro and guy all the time, but never, ever dude.
  • You visit New York City and are the only tourist who thinks the locals are polite.
  • Watching football is a good way to find out what some of your former classmates are up to.
  • You get offended when people call Miami sports fans bandwagoners. Sure, you've gone to like only three games in the past decade, if any at all, but you watch the Heat, Dolphins, Marlins, and Hurricanes on TV all the time.
  • You consider a 5'10" man tall.
  • You've passed by the taping of a reality TV show or telenovela.
  • You have strong opinions about the art of Romero Britto.
  • Going out on South Beach is a last resort. "Really, you're sure there's nothing going on closer to home? How about downtown? Nobody is having a house party? Jeez, OK, I guess we'll go out to South Beach if we have to."
  • Broward County legitimately feels like a foreign country. It might as well be in Canada.
  • Viewing art is not considered a sober activity.
  • You've freaked out enough out-of-towners by trying to show them your favorite places around town that now you know you're just better dropping them off at Bayside and directing them to Chili's.
  • If you wind up drunk at a tattoo shop, there's a good chance you'll walk out with a "305" tattoo, assuming you don't already have one.
  • You wouldn't even notice if all the Starbucks shut down. They don't have cafecito anyway.
  • You're familiar with the beggars in the neighborhoods you frequent.
  • You can't remember the last time you voluntarily went anywhere on Ocean Drive.
  • You've used the bathrooms at Churchill's Pub multiple times and lived to tell about it.
  • When a new restaurant or club opens, you often say, "Oh, yeah, that used to be called... and before that it was..."
  • Out-of-towners just assume you know where to buy coke.
  • Any old man with a beard and a tracksuit instantly reminds you of Fidel Castro.
  • You still judge people based on which local high school they attended.

How'd You Score?

0 points - You live in Boston. Why did you read this?

1 to 4 points - Did you just move here for a job and are trying to impress your bosses by working 80 hours weeks? Get out and absorb the local culture a bit.

5 to 9 points - Congratulations on purchasing one of our many foreclosed condos as a vacation home, but you're not quite a Miamian.

10 to 15 points - You've reached the bare minimum of "Miamian" status. You can now tell people from outside Miami that you're a Miamian.

16 to 20 points - Some born-and-raised types might still scoff, but go ahead and wear that Miamian status with pride. Someone has to.

21 to 30 points - If you weren't actually born here, you've definitely been reborn here in one way or another.

31 to 40 points - Watch out, Pitbull -- there's a new Mr. or Ms. 305.

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62 comments
dre
dre

They forgot to mention the following: If you know who pitbull is and know he is not Mr. 305 as everyone else outside of Miami says he is...And really feel indifferent about his music talents because you remember his original "Crap"

Very
Very

I grew up in kendall and along with most of my friends left miami by the mid 90s. White flight is a real thing. As spanish culture moved in, whites left in droves. I am sorry but the culture that replaced what was there sucks. Corruption, rudeness crime, why did we ever let these people in. My friends and I constantly discuss what a tragedy it is to see what miami has become, its such a beautiful city.

aderly15
aderly15

@Very so sad that you run away from the "non-whites" soon there will be NOWHERE to hide! PS: nobody cares about white flight...we welcome it! LATINOS!

Jabari Jones
Jabari Jones

ok none this is a bout me and its a lot mes in miami hummmm ???  

Puga725
Puga725

I scored a 35, watch out Pitt Bull.

Bchartnett
Bchartnett

You should add that you have a relative or elementary school teacher that called it: "Miama"

Ari Rem Morel-Peralta
Ari Rem Morel-Peralta

hahaha..."You're asked, "Where are you from?" within a minute of meeting someone, or you're doing the asking. "Here" is never a valid answer."

So very true.

Christina Morejon
Christina Morejon

LOL. Awesome!   I was born & raised on Flagler & 12th, so I scored a perfect 40!

Lisa B
Lisa B

35 born and raised there!

ex305
ex305

Just eating shit. You know. 

Milusha
Milusha

WOW I am from Miami, don't want to go any place else.  I say hello to people I meet walking about, they are from someplace else and they don't respond. Must be the heats has got them! I think if you don't like it Miami, it is best that you move away, there will be more room for those who stay!!! Funny article.

SOLO PARA ESTUDIAR
SOLO PARA ESTUDIAR

When my sister married over in Virginia had a strong cultural shock, the coffee there IS water.  And now that am here in Virginia do miss my cafecito.

Brooklyn26039
Brooklyn26039

0 points. I'm from ny. Lmfao!!!! But the Latin culture here is beautiful. For I am Latino too !!!!

Fresco01
Fresco01

22 Points, wouldn't change Miami for any other city in the U.S. And Broward does feel like another country.

Carlos Urrely
Carlos Urrely

I'm assuming this was supposed to be satirical...? Seriously, I was BORN and RAISED here and didn't even score a 4. What an appalling list of examples of what "real Miamians" are! Truly, how very obvious and poorly thought out! Anyone who identifies with more than four of these examples should probably go out and take in a little more than what they consider "local culture".

Chokoloskeeee
Chokoloskeeee

 Are you a 57 year old white lady from Pinecrest?

unk
unk

How old are you?

TONIE
TONIE

WOW    I'M AM A CHICAGOAN   BORN AND BRED    BEEN HERE IN MIAMI 5 YEARS,   347 PPL,  DIDN'T SURPRISE ME ONE BIT.  THIS IS THE MOST RACIST, SEPERATED, CITY I'VE EVER LIVED IN.  TALK ABOUT REGRESSION.  PEOPLE HERE THAT ARE FRIENDLY, SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO, ALMOST ALWAYS AREN'T FROM MIAMI.   SO SAD    I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT TO BE IDENTIFIED AS A MIAMIAN AND RIGHTFULLY SO.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

☻ⓃⒾⓀⓀⒾ☻
☻ⓃⒾⓀⓀⒾ☻

jesus..i lived in chi town for 4 years (born raised miami)...CHIACOG IS SO FUCKING SEGREGATED. and JUST as gentrified as miami.

Fresco01
Fresco01

Racist? you must be on drugs my man. Go back to Chicago y no jodas mas!

seep
seep

who is Fielder?

guest
guest

How do you tell if your a real Miamian? You don't live there anymore.

Luis
Luis

The churchills bathroom statement is the best

anonymous hater
anonymous hater

Wow I thought it would be difficult to make a list of why this place is a P.O.S. but you guys seemed to have done just fine. 

Jay Alvarez
Jay Alvarez

LMAO at "You visit New York City and are the only tourist who actually thinks the locals are polite." I moved to NY a year ago and from day one said these are some of the nicest people I've ever seen.

henrychinea
henrychinea

My campaign can hopefully get the assholes down here to be nice like the people in NY.

Butthurthater
Butthurthater

Minding you own business isn't "being an asshole".

Emotionally butt-hurt social parasites best stick to NYC & LA 

jarez_305
jarez_305

@Butthurthater Awww. did you get butt-hurt about that?

Lola
Lola

love it! 26 points and feeling proud!

henrychinea
henrychinea

Miami New Times, I'm a proofreader and copywriter. You guys are clearly in need of my proofreading services. If you're interested in working with me, send me an e-mail at henry.chinea@gmail.com. 

strangelove262
strangelove262

'Where are you from?''Miami.'*Born, raised, and still lives in Hialeah*

Flavia
Flavia

"Turn single."

"You're bought seafood..."

Jesus. 

You forgot....you make a game of finding as many grammatical/spelling errors in the Herald.....then give up because half your day is gone.

J.J. Colagrande
J.J. Colagrande

Granted. Type-Os suck...

... But fuck the grammar police.

Especially if you knew how little bloggers are paid..

☻ⓃⒾⓀⓀⒾ☻
☻ⓃⒾⓀⓀⒾ☻

I think type-os are pretty miami..kinda go hand in hand wit spanglish.. DALE!

Jahz
Jahz

You misspelled signal. You wrote "single"

Juan R. Pollo
Juan R. Pollo

That's a little biased towards the stereotypical Miamian, which thank God doesn't exist. I consider myself the ultimate Miamian, and I think I'm a nice guy. What the haters don't realize is that you get what you put out. Society is like a mirror. Be a jerk and people will be a jerk right back. Be nice and people will respond accordingly. Really.

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