Miami Heat Let First-Half Lead Slip Away, Lose Game 1

Categories: Sports
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Game 1 of the 2012 NBA Finals was a tale of two halves.

The Miami Heat shot out of the gate strong, hitting shots, making threes and getting a huge game from *record scratch* Shane Battier!

But the second half was a whole other bag of salted cock n' balls as Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook did to the Heat what the Heat had been doing to other teams, namely beating the shit out of Miami's defense with a pillow case filled with bars of soap as the Thunder took Game 1 of the NBA Finals 105-94.

The Rundown

- Kevin Durant scored 17 of his 36 points in the fourth quarter. And regardless of the fact that LeBron James had his highest scoring NBA Finals ever with 30 points, the critics and Haterz will be out in full force like a pestilence of dicks today to point out that he only scored 7 points in the fourth.

- Dwayne Wade's bed-shitting has officially gone plaid. Wade was an extra-large bag of assholes last night, going 7-for-19 and finishing with 19 points. He took a dickload of jumpers and fadeaways that fell short, refused to attack the basket, and continued to look like a dry handjob rather than a monster fuck like we've all grown accustomed to seeing from him over the years. Someone needs to tell him that Kevin Garnett is not around anymore and that's it's cool to attack the rim. Even cooler to score more than 20 points. The Thunder is a team that loves to run transition offense (much like your Miami Heat). So for the Thunder, Wade's jump shots and ridiculously ill advised three-point attempts were like mountains of gold coins for Scrooge McDuck. All they had to do was dive in and feast. Wade hasn't looked like Wade since the Indiana Pacers series. And while we all believe in him, it's time for him to start wrecking ass like we know he can. LeBron can go for 60 every night, but if D-Wade keeps this up, we're pretty much fucked.

- Russell Westbrook finished with a very un-Westbrook-like 27 points, 11 assists and 8 rebounds. He's usually a turnover machine, but was explosive last night and could prove to be the biggest problem for Miami's defense for the remainder of this series. Cockballsandmonkeyshit.

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- Russell Westbrook has the Most Punchable Face in the NBA. Just look at his fucking face. You need your whole body to hate him. How did Shane Battier keep from shoving a knee into his crotch? I hope Russell Westbrook runs into a Herpes tree.

- Speaking of Shane Battier. HOLY FORCES OF ACCELERATION AND INFORMATION ENTROPY Battier brought the shit last night! Shane scored 17 points, going 6-for-9 and hitting his first four shots while explaining the palpable infinitesimal volume and infinite mass of quarks and subquarks to the Thunder defense. Too bad such a monster game was completely fucking wasted.

- Chris Bosh needs to start. Coming off the bench against the Celtics worked because he had to be eased into the action like an old lady taking a bath, and it worked because the Celtics are a billion years old, and because the Celtics are a shitty shooting team. BUT, FUCK THAT SHIT. The Thunder are insanely young, insanely filled with the same kinetic energy as the little kid in the playground who has to wear a helmet, and can shoot lights out at any given moment. Bosh's offense is key, especially with Wade playing like a bucket of shit. Bosh didn't have a great night last night (4-for-11, 10 points), but getting him back into the starting lineup can help him get his rhythm back. LeBron needs help out there.

-No reason LeBron shouldn't be guarding Durant all of the time. Durant rocked the Heat's faces off whenever LeBron wasn't his primary defender. When LeBron was on him, he looked like the piss boy more than the league scoring champ.

- Mike Miller is an old man's ball sack.

- The Heat need to knock the shit off with all the damn jump shots already. They shoot like someone sprayed cat piss in their eyes, YET THEY INSIST ON TAKING THE GODDAMN JUMP SHOTS. Jump shots = points for the Thunder. It's really that simple.

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- Yes it's very much like pulling the pin on a defective grenade. It can blow off your hand before you throw it. It can just sit there and do nothing. It can spew sparks before making a fart sound and then dying. Or it can blow up the enemy. But Erik Spolestra needs to dip into his bench and have more than a 6-man rotation against this Thunder team.

Conclusion

Yes this game was a bummer. A fucking bummer. It was especially frustrating because the Heat controlled things and had the lead for most of the game. Then the second half came and the Thunder were relentless while the Heat did that annoying thing where they play isolation offense, stop attacking the rim and fall in love with their shitty jump shots. Now all you want to do is plug in the waffle maker and slam your dick in it. But there will be no waffledicks served this morning! As much as it sucks to drop a game like this, and the anger and anguish and frustration and lack of sleep and the ceaseless chirping from the Haterz has you in an endless angst-ridden spiral that begins with you trying to ease the pain by throwing endless amounts of unhealthy food into your face hole and ends with the cops finding a dead hooker in the trunk of your car, just take it easy. It's one game. The problems are fixable, and the Heat have been at their best when down.

The Heat defense is better than this, and you can be sure it will be on lockdown mode from here on out. They might not stop Durant, but they can limit him when the D is running on all cylinders. The Heat offense will continue to run through LeBron, and he is still playing out of his mind right now. If the Heat can avoid the trap of iso offense and stop settling for jumpers, then things will even out. It's going to be a long series, but if Miami can bounce back in Game 2 and steal one on the road, they then head back home for three games and a chance to take control of the series.

Or else, waffledicks.

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Game 2 is on Thursday at Oklahoma City. Tipoff is at 9. HOORAY INSOMNIA!!

Want to win tickets to Game 3 via Crossfade and DJ Irie? Check out our story on the contest over at Crossfade for details.

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2 comments
Gigi Nazari
Gigi Nazari

Excellent and honest -- DWade better get his shit together by tomorrow night!  Also, can we get someone from the bench to go in and be a goon and knock Westbrook out?!  He is clearly the most obnoxious guy on that team (Perkins is a close 2nd).

Slappy
Slappy

Cockballsandmonkeyshit. Love it...

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