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Miami Heat Withstand Thunder Rally, Tie Series 1-1

Categories: Sports
James Game 2.jpg
Holy assballs it almost happened again.

After the Miami Heat held the lead from the opening tip, just like in Game 1, and held a double-digit lead, just like in Game 1, the Oklahoma City Thunder almost rallied back to steal Game 2, just like Game 1.

But thanks to LeBron James hitting a slap-yo-momma-and-pay-the-rent-bankshot and two free throws at the end, Miami was able to hang on for the 100-96 win, tying up the NBA Finals 1-1, and avoiding the unbridled chaos and awfulness that would have buried us all today had they blown this fucking game.

EVERYONE AWAKE???

The Rundown:

- Jesus Shit Mouse I wish I didn't love this team. I wish I could just be all, "Sports? Pffft." And then go to Tootsies on a Thursday night.

- LeBron James brought the Cobradick for the second-straight game in these Finals, dropping 32 points (the highest scoring total he's put together in a Finals), grabbing 8 rebounds and going 12-for-12 from the free throw line. With a dong harder than volcanic rock and a willingness to attack the rim with a series of vicious dick slaps, LeBron scored the majority of his points in the paint. And his aggressiveness earned him twelve trips to the charity stripe, which -- as shitty as he can be from that place -- always bodes well for Miami.

- OH HAI DWYANE WADE. We all gave him shit for his asstacular Game 1 showing, and deservingly so. But D-Wade reached into his bag of awesome and came through with a game that can only be matched by the bulge in my pants watching him work. Throughout these playoffs, Wade has been leaving his fucks as tips for the chambermaid at the team hotel, because he's been awful. But last night, he came out swinging, and was the hardcore crotch-kicking machine we all know and love. Wade was efficient, aggressive and smart. Instead of heaving the basketball up toward the rim like it was dipped in AIDS, Wade attacked the basket, took and hit smart shots, kept his head in the game, and kicked us doubters so hard in the face our brains exploded out the backs of our heads.

- Of course we also had that fucking turnover by Wade at the end that led to the Kevin Durant three that cut the lead to two almost ruined an otherwise amazeballs game and would've meant cockmeat sandwiches for us all. Thank Christ it didn't come down to that.

- We called for Chris Bosh to start in our previous recap and HOLY SHITSOCKS ERIK SPOELSTRA READS THESE RECAPS. Because Bosh started and grabbed an assload of rebounds (According to Elias, 15 rebounds = an assload). Aside from his monster three-pointers against Boston in Game 7, this was the best we've seen from Bosh in these playoffs. He was a banger down low, grabbing rebounds, playing tough D, attacking the rim with the ferocity of a man who is half-man-half-velociraptor. His 16 points aren't too shabby either. And if Miami can get this kind of FUCK YEA! performance from Chris Bosh the rest of the way, you've got to like our chances.



- SHANE BATTIER CAME TO FORNICATE! Battier was absolutely the main reason Miami was able to pull this shit out. Just as he did in Game 1, The Professor dropped three pointers from the rafters, and caved in the faces of the Thunder with his tenacious defense and ability to solve Pierre De Fermat's Last Theorem during 20-second timeouts. Battier was a one-man wrecking ball with an IQ of 315, going 6-for-8 from the floor, including a clever little runner at crunch time that had the OKC defense scrambling and the Thunder fans exclaiming, "Er mer gerr!!"

Battier is clearly playing the best basketball of his Heat career, and it's a good thing too because at this point, Mike Miller is a sack of meat and bones that occasionally lunges himself at Thunder players. Battier's 17 points saved our asses, because amid all the hoopla and good times, our bench is still a giant pot of re-fried ass.



- Mario Chalmers scored 3 points last night. This is why you should never feel any remorse or pity when LeBron and D-Wade yell at him.

- All the talk after Game 1 was how Kevin Durant is the greatest human person alive and how LeBron James is a piece of shit. The media had a hard-on the size of the Washington Monument with the clutch-gene narrative and the Haterz polishing off the tried and true "LeBron cain't chainge yer dollaer cuz he ain't gots four quarterz LOLOLOL" joke that is never not the funniest thing ever uttered from a person's face hole ever.

But the COBRADICK and his 36 points and perfection at the free throw line punted all the narratives and clutch gene talk into the stratosphere. And then wrote his name on the ashes with his piss after it crashed in a flaming ball in a New Mexico desert.

- All the talk today is going to be the "non-foul" that LeBron supposedly committed against Durant with the game on the line. But, as usual, everyone will ignore the fact that Durant shouldn't have been in the game at that point to begin with, after the refs ignored an obvious charge he committed against Shane Battier earlier that would've had Durant fouled out of the game. Not to mention the ticky-tack nature of the play, which could've gone either way. Even Durant himself chalked the play up to him missing the shot and nothing more. But the Haterz are fucking relentless dickweeds and will look to take credit away from the Heat any way they can.

- The Haterz can blow it out their shithole.

- Russell Westbrook looks like a pig's ass when he's angry.

Conclusion

- The Heat blew a 13 point lead in Game 1, and almost fucked a 17 point lead right in the ear cavity in Game 2. The reason for this is simple: In Game 1, the Heat refused to attack the basket like a bunch of assholes. In Game 2, all they did was attack. Except for Shane Battier, who hit a bunch of three-pointers and then tried to start a discourse on the differences between the eternal and immutable features of spacetime with the Thunder mascot during a TV timeout.

The other reason is the Heat went back to doing what they do -- namely, grabbing defensive rebounds and then turning on the afterburners and riding into the danger zone with their skull-smashing transition ass-wrecking offense. The Heat wins when they play defense and then turn their opponent's missed shots into fast break points. In the second half of Game 2, they stopped doing that, and that's what allowed OKC to chop away at the lead.

Games 3, 4, and 5 are in Miami. The Heat now have homecourt advantage. Time to bring the crazy to the Triple-A, Heat fans. None of this sitting with our text machines in one hand, and our thumbs in our assholes with out other hand bullshit.

MAKE.

FUCKING.

NOISE.

And don't stop.

Game 3 is on Sunday at the American Airlines Arena. Tipoff is at 8 pm.

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7 comments
LOL
LOL

The Heat sucks, they will choke.

Davidjreyes15
Davidjreyes15

This was probably the GREATEST MOTHERFUCKING ARTICLE MY BALLS HAVE EVER TICKLED!!! AIDS is great but better when you don't catch it, Thundersluts can go wipe a pony's shithole with pikachu's tail for all I care, BAWLS!! And go heat!!!

Pastor Edward Pincushion
Pastor Edward Pincushion

I am enjoying the Finals between the Sioux City Witch Doctors and the Poughkeepsie Lactose Intolerants.

Gigi Nazari
Gigi Nazari

LMAO @ Battier fornicating & Bosh wanting a frosty!!!  Cobradick is on for Sun. nite!!!  :)

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