Marlins Firesale: Four More Creative Ways For Jeffrey Loria To Cash Out On The Team

Categories: Sports
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By the time you read this, your favorite Miami Marlin has probably been sent packing.

For the third time in franchise history, a fire sale is raging. The face of the franchise, Hanley Ramirez, is now a Dodger; the last Marlin to throw a no-no, Anibal Sanchez, and the best infielder, Omar Infante, are gone. The team is dreadful, and the club is projected to set the record for lowest attendance at a new ballpark, according to Forbes.

If the Marlins are going to gut their team, why not go full bore and get rid of everything they can? Hey, Jeffrey Loria, consider these blockbusters.

Sell the fish in the home-plate aquarium to South Beach sushi restaurants.
A recent study by conservation group Oceana shows a big portion of sushi for sale in South Florida is mislabeled, with fish like escolar subbing in for whitefin tuna. But the Marlins have fish to spare, and given that the aquarium behind home plate hasn't been shattered by an errant ball yet, they're not providing much in the way of entertainment. Why not let some sushi joints offer truly exotic plates? For a bit extra, the team could throw in Billy the Marlin and let people eat sushi off of him. Erotic!

Offload the home-run sculpture to Disney.
The Marlins' much-mocked home-run mountain -- which looks like a pachinko machine designed by Lisa Frank -- has provided plenty of laughs, but it's not of much use to a team with little power. The solution: Give it to Disney, which could house it in the Shiny Globe of Misfit Toys that is Epcot. The team could double up on savings by plastering a pastel M on a bunch of Mickey Mouse ear hats to use as batting helmets.

Send Ozzie Guillen to Cuba in exchange for a dissident to be named later.
Fidel Castro, in turn, could appoint Ozzie as his envoy to the United Nations. Think of Ozzie raining expletives on the UN Security Council and trying to bench Russia for a lack of hustle."Fok you, Putin!"

Trade $360 million in taxpayer money for an unnecessary stadium for a last-place team.
Oh, wait, Loria and Samson already did that.

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9 comments
drakemallard
drakemallard topcommenter

joint ventures, the taxpayers always get F in the as. the miami heat, miami marlins, jungle island,new Miami Art Museum,the tunnel to nowhere the Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts and so on

miamitrev2
miamitrev2 topcommenter

$360 Million?   That's funny!  The figure will be at least 1.36 Billion when all is said and done

James G. Camp
James G. Camp

All the Marlins had to do was land Pujols and win 60% of their games. A new stadium, new faces, rebrand of the team. I miss the Mermaids and Manatees, baseball outdoors, even if it was hotter than a firecracker in July.

Jose Acevedo
Jose Acevedo

Norman Braman was saying it all along. It was a poorly thought plan with no real research done, and to think we are now stuck with the "Tremenda Mierda Fountain"!!!

Jimbo99
Jimbo99

Honestly though, the Marlins tried to rebrand this team. The were serious about Pujols and went after him to be used as leverage. They got Reyes, good glove, not much power for a SS, but they got one of the better SS in MLB. They did try to bolster a pitching staff too. Now they'r estuck with Beuhrle whining about having to live in Broward county becasue of a pit bull ban in Miami-Dade. The Marlins new stadium has a tragedy associated, the heart attack & car that struck the family from GA killing 3 ? All in all, they should've stayed in Sun Life, where Manatees & Mermaids would still entertain the crowds. As I understand it Josh Johnson is also a commodity for trade.

Chauncey Copeland
Chauncey Copeland

Yes, please sell that sculpture--then sell the team to a real baseball person.

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