An Open Letter to South Beach Residents Who Say We Never Want to Hang Out on SoBe

Categories: Flotsam
North to South view.JPG
Dear South Beach Residents Who Say We Never Visit Them Anymore Since They Moved to the Beach:

So, um, we read this over at Huffington Post Miami's blog about how you never want to leave the Beach.

You're right.

We've noticed you never want to part ways with your precious little 33139. That's fine. You're still good people. We still wanna be friends, but if you refuse to leave the Beach, this will never be anything but a passing acquaintanceship because, dear Lord, we the non-Beach heathens of the rest of Miami-Dade, are not gonna cart our asses across the bay every time you feel like letting us bask in your rarified presence.

While we appreciate your invitations, the following will not inspire us to take our talents to South Beach:

  • A "happy hour" that involves a thimble-and-a-half of house gin being poured into a tall, thin glass filled to the top with crushed ice for $8.
  • Shopping: Any stores you have that we don't already have on the mainland we probably don't want to shop at anyway (or, OK, can't afford).
  • Eating at any restaurant that pesters you with flyers when you walk by.
  • Any event with a high Eurotrash factor.
  • A job where paying for parking for the day costs more than 15 minutes of an hourly wage.
  • Because you're bored on a weekend night and have nothing to do, but, whoops, you're out of parking passes. No, the $15 garage fee is not worth it.
  • Any event "hosted by" any washed up celebrity who was paid to be there.
  • Going to any art event on the Beach that doesn't happen during Art Basel. Have fun at the Britto showplace.
  • Partying at a club that will surely shut down in six months.
  • Anything involving bottle service.
  • A house party at your shared studio apartment.
  • Going to any sports bar to catch a game. We'd rather not be surrounded by non-Miami fans.
  • To see a DJ or musician who is charging twice as much for admission as when we saw him last year at a mainland club.

To drive a car over the causeway instead of, uh, well, driving it around our beloved city, it needs to be worth it. The following invitations might -- might -- get us onto the Beach.

  • You're absolutely certain you've gotten us on the list for an event we'd actually want to stay more than an hour at.
  • A day at the beach. Let's be honest, we're not going to Key Biscayne. But you provide the alcohol and promise to stay for more than two hours. That's great you can walk to it anytime you want, but we're getting our tanning lotion's worth.
  • Dinner at Pubbelly or Yardbird, but please be advised that the next dinner is at Michael's Genuine or Michy's.
  • A really hot party during Basel or WMC, but we mean like the kind we'd kick ourselves for not attending. Not something like a Sylvester Stallone-hosted thing DJed by Pauly D.
  • Those three times a year when the Fillmore books a band we actually want to see.

Under no circumstances will we visit you during, say, New Year's Eve, the Boat Show, or Memorial Day weekend.

Really, though, you're always invited to visit us on the mainland. We won't gouge you on parking -- well, often. That cutie you're eyeing on the other side of the bar isn't flying back to Dubai or NYC the next morning. Our neck of the woods is forever changing and evolving. Yours is still trying to recapture the glory it had in the '80s and '90s but with twice the bottle service and attitude and half the fun. We love you. We're glad you're happy living there. That's great. We're just not visiting you that often.

Love,
Your 33137 Friend.

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27 comments
writerguyfl
writerguyfl

Perhaps some of you didn't understand that this was satirical.  It's a response to a blog post on Huffington about how South Beach residents a superior to everyone else.  (That article is linked to at the start of this one.)

Wheels 2 Go Miami
Wheels 2 Go Miami

Long Live SoBe! And with an electric bike from Wheels 2 Go Miami, you can get around and see it all from 79th on down to South Point with no effort at all.

Mirador South Beach Condo (Mirador 1200)
Mirador South Beach Condo (Mirador 1200)

Kyle if you are coming to SoBe only during Memorial Day etc, - yes things will be challenging. It would be the same if SoBe residents complain about Miami during Ultra Music Fest or Design District during Art Basel. Visit SoBe some other time, walk around, everything is 10 min away, even the Beach ;) Or I guess you are not used to walking living in Miami. There you need car for everything... Good luck, believe us (Mirador SoBe residents) WE DON'T ENVY YOU!

SoBe305
SoBe305

33137 friend are  you jealous?

Quetzalcoatl
Quetzalcoatl

 Kyle Munzenrieder, are you ok?  Did someone hurt you?  Do you want to talk about it?  

Suzie
Suzie

Why the animosity?  I prefer living on a barrier island.  You dont need to be a dick about it.  

Tian Mao
Tian Mao

For the EAST COAST, MIAMI BEACH IS THE PLACE. NYC has CORNY ISLAND AND JONES AND BONES BEACH,,, Polluted and who gives a *&%$, I am from NYC, been here 8 yrs LOVE IT! Beach, Sun, Travelers, hot chicks,,, I mean its fun.. When I need to bounce out, I hit europe or Asia.. SOBE is my HUB city as I bounce globally. Tans are easy, sun is consistent, workouts a must, fun on tap.

Fuck33137
Fuck33137

33137 is so nice a night time (kidding), plus I love shopping at target. Who doesnt like driving through the areas to see in person what they saw on the "The first 48?" i would rather get a tan by the train tracks than the ocean any day. 33137 didn't get people to come down to this area, 33139 does and always will.

Doc Poz
Doc Poz

if you live off of the beach, ultimately friends like Popper cease to be friends. They miss weddings and childbirths and you forget who they are...

Asia Taylor
Asia Taylor

Elisa Reyes, I think it might... I saw nothing wrong with anything on that list!

Alex Muriel
Alex Muriel

2 min bike ride to whole foods, 5 min bike ride to lincoln, 5 min bike ride to the standard, 5 min bike ride to beach. and tons of restaurants open 24 hours. I just wish we had a damn good Colombian bakery lol.

Elisa Reyes-Lao
Elisa Reyes-Lao

Sandra Grace Asia Taylor Thought of you guys when I read this;) it won't kill ya to cross the bridge! Lol

Yvonne Rodriguez
Yvonne Rodriguez

I love Jazid, I love Nikki Beach, I love Lincoln Road and then list goes on and on. I'm on Team Popper! ;)

Brad Beaty
Brad Beaty

Free beer and Bourbon is making me leave west Kendall for sobe tonight!!!

Najsoj Osnola
Najsoj Osnola

the beach sucks and is way over rated...ive seen much more beautiful beaches in other parts of the world.

Najsoj Osnola
Najsoj Osnola

the beach sucks and is way over rated...ive seen much more beautiful beaches in other parts of the world.

oscar
oscar

I would only visit SoBe during the daytime, hit the sands and see all the women laying out topless, saves me money on strip clubs!

Alex Muriel
Alex Muriel

I love the beach. Best part of Miami.

Alex Muriel
Alex Muriel

I love the beach. Best part of Miami.

ezradv
ezradv

Sylvester Stallone-hosted thing DJed by Pauly D. - Dooood that party was the BOMB!

jjcolagrande
jjcolagrande topcommenter

The following invitation "should" entice Popper off the beach:

 

1. A writing workshop.

Portugalman8
Portugalman8

 @Suzie Suzie you are such a slut, from your no panties at the explosion in the sky concert to your south beach cosmopolitan smoothie drinking and bike riding. All you do is go to the back room in purdy, dance your drunk white ass off, and have unprotected Jewish sex. I hate to admit it, but I love you, and you are the best. South beach is so much better than the mainland. I only go to the mainland to make it rain, or go to the airport

Fuck33137
Fuck33137

Plus both Chefs u mention just opened up spots in 33139. Write about something relevant for fuck sake!

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