Hard Knocks, Episode Four: The Dolphins' Personality Problem
A funny thing is happening with this year's installment of Hard Knocks. Previous seasons focused on obvious, larger-than-life coaching personalities in Rex Ryan, Herm Edwards and Brian Billick, but the idea behind this year's inside look at the Dolphins was to cut out all that cute shit and pull back the curtain on a team that usually erects a Berlin Wall between the media, the public and the secretive and surely fascinating things going on behind closed doors in a losing franchise.
However, with the Dolphins increased emphasis on transparency in an effort to improve public perception and, ultimately, ticket sales (as opposed to, you know, putting a fucking winning product on the actual fucking field), the HBO cameras are capturing more than the Dolphins bargained for.
Namely, the show shines a spotlight on the rampant ineptitude within the front office, an obvious lack of vision pertaining to players (particularly high draft picks) and an overall feeling of 'holy-shit-these-guys-are-just-kinda-winging-it-aren't-they?' that is baffling to behold.
For all the posturing by guys like Joe Philbin and Jeff Ireland -- men who preach indifference to celebrity -- what is striking is that their personalities are really the most compelling action within this year's Hard Knocks.
The means by which they passive-aggressively (and often times straight-up fucking diss) their employees lends credence to the rumors that the coaches (specifically, Philbin) are already losing the locker room. Granted, this is preseason/training camp but there is something inherently not right about the relationships between the front office, the coaches and the players. Watching the show you get the sense that the Dolphins -- despite a considerable overhaul in the offseason -- are more dysfunctional than ever.
On to the show highlights:
- First, the most important thing: With the inevitable cutting of human turnstile Les Brown, we have to say R.I.P. to Les Brown's girlfriend:
What a gloriously hot little minx. Also, Les Brown is a major crybaby. Dude, you got cut because you couldn't block a litter of puppies. PULL IT TOGETHER, BUDDY! I don't feel sorry for him. He has a hot girlfriend that looks at him like a horny teenage cheerleader and constantly wants to hit it. I don't feel sorry for Les Brown at all, and his tears only infuriate me.
- Free agent guard, 10-year vet and likely full-season PUP member, Erich Steinbach decides to retire. This is sad because he seemed like a kinda no-bullshit likeable dude, but this is also sad because we have to see the most homoerotic exchange of love jones between Steinbach and Jeff Ireland. Ireland's level of ass-kissing (somewhere between licking to the center of a Tootsie Roll and full on feedbagging his rectum) was retch-worthy. This was likely because Ireland has a tremendous amount of respect for Steinbach, but no I'm just kidding, it's because Steinbach is white and his mother is not a crack-puffing whore.