Five RNC Contingency Plans If Tropical Storm Isaac Ruins The GOP Party

Umm, is that a hurricane guys?

Is tropical storm Isaac God's way of smiting Tod Akin for saying stupid sh*t? Is it a coincidence that the squall is set to touch down at the very moment that Rick Scott takes to the podium in Tampa? Does Jesus just hate the GOP?

Get a hold of yourself, man! Rule No. 1 in an emergency like this: don't panic, start planning. The reality is that Isaac could easily tumble Tampa to the ground like a modern-day Sodom. Democratic mayor Bob Buckhorn says he could evacuate the city, but Republicans insist they have alternate ideas in place.

So like true non-partisan patriots, we are volunteering these five contingency plans in case the convention center is underwater on Monday.
5. Norman Braman's Yacht
As storm surges turn the Tampa Bay Times into a giant bathtub, hundreds of survivors will cling to Chris Christie like an inflatable raft. But the New Jersey governor won't be able to resist blaming the catastrophe on local teacher unions. When he opens his mouth to berate the educators, the GOP dingy will spring a fatal leak.

Yet, as delegates drop one by one into the ocean's murky maw, a savior will appear on the horizon: Kisses, Miami automobile mogul Norman Braman's 175-foot yacht. As Braman's crew of spritely seamen snag the flailing Christian fundamentalists, the 80-year-old billionaire will sit in an eagle's nest perch atop the mast, surveying his swift takeover of the Republican party.

Illustration by Rick Sealock

4. Bay of Elephants
Under George W. Bush, conservatives never wasted a crisis. Remember how September 11 somehow became a pretext for overthrowing Saddam Hussein and wiretapping all of our phones?

Now that the GOP has roughly 35,000 of its fiercest foot-soldiers here in Florida, why not use the excuse of avoiding Isaac to invade our other longtime foe Cuba? After defeating Fidel Castro in a 17-hour boring speech duel to the death, Mitt Romney could finally get his chance to be president. The GOP could fly it's flag over the island without having to worry about compromise. And the crazy quotient back here in the U.S. would drop by about 90 percent.