An Interview With the Leopard Print Briefs That Caused a Mistrial in a Miami-Dade Murder Case
Riptide has reached out to the silent victim in the ordeal: the pair of leopard print briefs, who asked that we used the nickname "LPB" to protect their identity.
Riptide: This must be a trying and embarrassing time for you.
LPB: You know, as a pair of tiny leopard print men's underwear you take a lot of abuse. People always says "Oh, why aren't you at a Wilton Manors strip club or on an over-tanned, 70-year-old, Viagra-addled Italian man?" You get used to it, but it never stops stinging. It's so small minded for people to judge you based on the pattern of your fibers, you know?
So, obviously you feel you are proper courtroom attire?
I actually come from a family with a long courtroom history. We're legal briefs, if you will. We've all attended law school at Knickers U. I'm not going to name names, but my great grandfather spent an awful lot of time underneath the robes of a certain supreme court justice. Sometimes there wasn't much separating him from those robes, if you know what I'm saying. I got a cousin, named Gary. Nice guy. Zebra stripped thong. May or may not have been there during Bill Clinton's grand jury testimony. My sister works up in Tallahassee for Pam Bondi.
We're working behind the scenes, you know. The jury never sees us. As long as we're doing our job, it shouldn't matter what we look like.
And what exactly is that job?
Support, basically. You wanna make sure everything is in place. Sometimes people sweat in those court rooms. We gotta make sure nothing is sticking together down there. It doesn't look good when the jury sees the defendant constantly readjusting his crotch.
Do you feel that the public defender, Anya Cintron Stern, was doing her job?
When you're working on the defense side, you can't judge your client. You think I like snuggling the schlong of a guy who's accused of murdering his girlfriend? Not really, but you gotta be professional about the matter. I didn't post on my Twitter "I can't believe I'm working for a guy who can't afford a real defense attorney," now did I? We're all on the same side here, and her conduct was just grossly unprofessional.
So, what's next for you?
Well, I'm hoping to do some pro boner work. Ha, nah, just kidding you. Just some old underwear legal humor. You know, I'm just going to ride this case out with my defendant, and then maybe go on tour with LMFAO.
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