Dolphins Lose to Jets 23-20 After Missed Field Goals, Reggie Bush Injury

Categories: Sports
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There was a time when kicker Dan Carpenter was responsible for the majority of the points the Dolphins scores, and could be relied upon to line up and bang out a field goal -- from seemingly any distance -- with a twirl of his flowing locks. That time is gone now.

The Miami Dolphins lost to the New York Jets yesterday (ahem, the dirty, stinkin' fuckin' Jets) 23-20, causing you to contemplate ways in which you can somehow distract every annoying New York transplant you know living in South Florida just long enough so you can pour Visine into their morning coffee.

It's one thing to lose to the Texans, because who gives a shit, everyone knows our team sucks; but when Tony Sparano (in his first return as Jets offensive coordinator/field goal setup extraordinaire) is fistpumping the ever-living shit out of your team in your stadium, that  gets a bit personal. It took me some time to find a video to encapsulate that unique postgame feeling, but I think I may have found the perfect clip to explain to my children just why and how I became a Dolphins fan:



The Dolphins lost because they have little-to-no talent at wide receiver, little-to-no talent at defensive back, unimaginative (and unintelligent) coaching and play-calling and a rookie Quarterback the coaches have apparently too much or too little faith in (and often having too much when they should have less and vice versa). The Dolphins know they can run the ball, yes, but they have no idea what their identity is in crunch time, and if you don't know what that is, you are completely hosed in the NFL.

Come walk with me as we shit on some turtles:

The Talent
Davone Bess (5 catches for 86 yards) was the only highlight in the passing game -- and this was even after Pro Bowl cornerback Darrelle Revis left the game with an injury. Outside of Bess' day and Hartline's lone 41-yard catch to set up the tying field goal, the Dolphins receivers might as well have been prepping for the Emmy's with a trip to Publix. Jeff Ireland and crew failed to address this in the draft, so here we are: dropped passes and sad little Dolfan children crying themselves to sleep at night.

The Defensive Backs? HYENA FARTS. Santonio Holmes shreeeeddded our DBs all day long with his Lexington Steele-sized member, crushing us with 8 catches for 147 yards. Mark Sanchez played like Mark Sanchez, but not more horribly than the collective improv comedy troupe efforts of Richard Marshall (burned toast with roughly 77 penalties called on him to boot), Sean "Thank God These Guys Suck More Than I Do Or I Would Have Been Destroyed Several Times Today" Smith and Nolan Carroll, AKA Penalty Jones. That second-round pick Ireland is holding in his back pocket for next season must feel really special to the guys on the defensive line!

Ryan Tannehill had a pretty dreadful day himself, going 16-for-36 with 196 yards, no TDs and one pick-6 where that abhorrent 'roid-case/celebrator of Reggie Bush's injury LaRon Landry (I remember what you looked like when you came out of college, asshole) cut in front of Fasano to intercept RT17's pass and waltz into the end zone. The rest of Tannehill's afternoon was pretty crappy as well, considering he has about two guys to throw to and one of them was sitting in the locker room. The interception, of course, was followed by a fumble from Daniel Thomas (a man who reportedly has duck vaginas for feet) that hopefully caused the eyes every last Dolphins zombie that STILL BELIEVES IN JEFF IRELAND, BRO, JUST WAIT to melt into a seething, organic sludge.


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32 comments
Carlos2
Carlos2

As a member of the South Florida Improv Comedy community, I find your comparison of the Dolphins "D" to our honed & proud craft to be of great insult.  Good DAY to you sir!  I SAID GOOD DAY! :D-Carlos R., @justthefunny

evilmiamimonkey
evilmiamimonkey

@byChrisJoseph @datrorokid Lexington Steele reference was classic. I laughed my ass off & at the office & them couldn't explain why :)

DatRoroKid
DatRoroKid

@byChrisJoseph CRUSHED IT BROOOOO

DatRoroKid
DatRoroKid

@byChrisJoseph - awwww. Thanks, brother.

Eric Garcia
Eric Garcia

whatever... now they lost revis for the year.... i bask in the fact that the jets are going nowhere

Lex Dillinger
Lex Dillinger

hahahaha. yeah. i'd just rather watch it on my projector at home than drop loot on the dolphins. i didnt expect much and you're right ... it was an entertaining game... but CMON MAAAAAN

Eric Garcia
Eric Garcia

don't be a candy-ass lex... what did you expect? it was a crazy, entertaining game that we shoulda won and they know it...it's not like were going to the superbowl,,,and neither are the jets..that's for sure

Lex Dillinger
Lex Dillinger

that will be the last dolphins game i go to this year. one and done

Eric Garcia
Eric Garcia

the jets seriously have nothing to be proud of on this one

FCruz5
FCruz5

@MiamiNewTimes I know what you're doing, and I hate you for it.

G_Nazari
G_Nazari

@MiamiNewTimes Excellent piece about the shittiness that was the Jets-Dolphins game.

Lex Dillinger
Lex Dillinger

who the fuck is Number 63... and why did they have to announce he was eligible before every play of the game?

Lex Dillinger
Lex Dillinger

i was at this game. it was single handedly the most embarrassing Dolphins loss ever. The Stadium went banana-ape-shit when we blocked that field goal... just to hear... "The Miami Dolphins have called a Time out" WHAT THE FUCK! i took off my jersey and dragged it home. i wanted to burn it... but its a Zach Thomas jersey and that guy doesnt deserve to have his jersey burned. That being said... we should organize a jersey burning party. Enough is Enough. Fuck you Jeff Ireland, you soul-less limp dick ginger headed fuck.

Lexicon9
Lexicon9

i was at this game. it was single handedly the most embarrassing Dolphins loss ever. The Stadium went banana-ape-shit when we blocked that field goal... just to hear... "The Miami Dolphins have called a Time out"     WHAT THE FUCK! i took off my jersey and dragged it home. i wanted to burn it... but its a Zach Thomas jersey and that guy doesnt deserve to have his jersey burned. 

 

That being said... we should organize a jersey burning party. Enough is Enough. Fuck you Jeff Ireland, you soul-less limp dick ginger headed fuck. 

BullJet
BullJet

@HOGBOSS0197 What a shame eh! #Jets

DatRoroKid
DatRoroKid

@evilmiamimonkey @bychrisjoseph hahaha...thanks man. There are just some things you can't unsee

byChrisJoseph
byChrisJoseph

@DatRoroKid Like fuckin annihilated that shit, brooo

byChrisJoseph
byChrisJoseph

@DatRoroKid Like fuckin annihilated it, brooo

DatRoroKid
DatRoroKid

@ipeneIope @bychrisjoseph - you can tell how late in the day it is by our loopiness

ipeneIope
ipeneIope

@DatRoroKid @byChrisJoseph comierderia

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